c 


/^/^  //^ 


XcdyJit^^ 


t^z^  Ifrrk  yi  f 


SPARKS  of  LAUGHTER 


Suggestions  to  Toastmasters 
How  to  Tell  a  Funny  Story 


Second 
Edition 


STEWART  ANDERSON,  Inc. 

74   CORTLANDT   STREET 

NEW  YORK  CITY 


Copyrighted  1921 
By  Stenvart  Anderson,  Inc. 


v.:  •:  >  :^ » 

Ywi. 
Foreword 


To  give  the  pleasure  of  laughter  and  to  teach  how  to  create 
laughter  is  the  dual  object  of  this  small  volume. 

For  those  who  ask  of  it  only  that  it  amuse  them,  it  offers 
the  fine  siftings  of  thousands  of  quips,  jests,  and  brief  anecdotes 
that  have  appeared  in  the  American  humoristic  press,  and  in  some 
foreign  publications,  during  the  last  twelve  months,  together  with 
smile-provokers  that  have  been  sent  to  the  compiler  or  that  he  has 
heard  vis-a-vis  or  in  the  small  circle  or  in  the  public  audience. 
This  collection  accurately  mirrors  American  contemporaneous 
taste  in  humor. 

For  those  whose  desire  is  instruction,  the  two  chapters,  "Sugges- 
tions to  Toastmasters"  and  "How  to  Tell  a  Funny  Story,"  will 
supply  it  in  practical  form.  The  aspirant  for  the  honors  of  a 
Toastmaster  is  given  a  plan  which  will  carry  him  safely  from  novi- 
tiate to  mastership ;  and  when  that  time  has  come,  and  he  has  gained 
the  self-reliance  which  experience  gives,  he  will  be  able  to  formu- 
late his  own  programs  and  magnetize  them  with  his  own  per- 
sonality. "How  to  Tell  a  Funny  Story"  lays  the  course  for  him 
who  would  become  adept  in  the  jester's  profitable  art.  And  both 
to  him  who  would  be  a  super-excellent  Toastmaster  and  to  him  who 
would  be  a  king  of  jesters  an  abundance  of  material  is  supplied, 
in  the  compilation  which  precedes  the  two  lessons.  Indeed,  it 
would  be  difficult  to  find  any  other  publication  which  supplies  both 
a  rich  fund  of  humor  material  and  instruction  in  its  use. 

And  may  I  add  that  while  a  nation's  jests  feed  its  laughter,  they 
also,  in  their  varied  aggregate,  reflect  its  life.  Look  beneath  the 
surface  jests  and  you  shall  find  the  thoughts,  the  ideals,  the  foibles, 
the  fads,  the  virtues,  the  vices,  the  pains,  the  pleasures,  the  loves, 
the  hates  of  the  representative  multitude.  And  thus  the  flippant  or 
joyous  or  satiric  words  that  are  touched  with  laughter  are  also  "an 
abstract  and  brief  chronicle  of  the  times." 

Stewart  Anderson. 

A'en)  York,  November,  1921. 


sparks  of  Laughter 


Kept  Just  Irritating  Him 

Magistrate  (severely) — Horse-whipping  is  the  only  suitable 
punishment  for  you  and  your  kind.  The  idea  of  a  man  of  your 
size  beating  a  poor,  weak  woman  like  that! 

Prisoner — But,  your  Honor,  she  keeps  irritating  and  irritating 
me  all  the  time. 

Magistrate — How  does  she  irritate  you  ? 

Prisoner — Why,  she  keeps  saying,  "Hit  me!  Beat  me!  Just 
hit  me  once  and  I'll  have  you  hauled  up  before  that  bald-headed 
old  reprobate  of  a  magistrate  and  see  what  he'll  do  with  you." 

Magistrate  (choking) — Discharged. 

— Boslon  Post. 


George  Was  Cross  at  George's  Cross 

'Twas  in  Glasgow  that  a  woman  was  traveling  in  a  tramcar 
with  a  baby  who  would  persist  in  crying  as  though  his  little  heart 
would  break. 

"Hush,  laddie!"  the  mother  would  keep  murmuring  gently,  only 
with  difficulty  restraining  her  irritation  at  the  audible  and  unflat- 
tering comments  of  the  other  passengers  anent  her  offspring. 

Soon  the  car  reached  George's  Cross  and  the  conductor  called 
out  loudly  the  name  of  the  place:  "George's  Cross!  George's 
Cross!" 

Then  the  mother's  anger  bubbled  over  and  she  sprang  up 
excitedly. 

"Of  course  George  is  cross!"  she  cried,  with  flashing  eyes.  "And 
so  would  you  be  if  you  were  cutting  your  back  teeth!" 

— London  Tit-Bits. 


You  Bet  He  Has! 

"If  you  will  make  the  boy  wear  his  hair  long,  I  at  least  insist 
on  getting  him  boxing  lessons." 
"Why  so?" 
"A  kid  with  long  hair  has  got  to  know  how  to  fight." 

— Louisville  Courier- Journal. 
5 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


Can  See  All  the  Way  Down 

A  nervous  woman  went  to  have  her  throat  examined  by  a  spe- 
cialist, who,  while  adjusting  the  laryngoscope,  remarked:  "You'd 
be  surprised  to  know  how  far  down  we  can  see  with  this  instru- 
ment." 

"Is  that  so,  doctor?"  faltered  the  patient.  Then  after  a  pause, 
she  said,  "Before  you  begin,  doctor,  I  ought  to  tell  j^ou  that  I  really 
hadn't  time  to  mend  that  hole  in  my  stocking  before  I  came  here." 

— Houston  Post. 

A  Lesson  in  Meatology 

She  was  a  sweet  young  bride,  who  had  already  found  that  what 
looks  like  a  nice  piece  of  meat  in  the  shop  often  seems  to  have  gone 
through  a  private  transformation  scene  when  it  arrives  home. 

"How  is  it?"  she  inquired  eagerly,  when  an  old  married  friend 
called  upon  her,  "that  j^ou  always  manage  to  have  such  delicious 
beef?" 

"It's  very  simple,"  replied  the  older  woman.  "I  first  select  a 
good  honest  butcher  and  then  I  stand  by  him." 

"Oh,  I  see,  you  give  him  all  j^our  trade,  you  mean?"  said  the 
innocent  young  bride. 

"No!"  answered  her  companion,  grimly,  "I  stand  by  him  while 
he  is  cutting  the  meat!" 

— Washington  Post. 

Pull  the  Trap  and  Dump  Him 

A  Scotchman  who  was  notorious  as  a  skeptic  had  erected  a  mas- 
sive mausoleum  for  his  final  rest,  and  one  day  he  observed  an  elder 
of  the  kirk  gazing  at  it. 

"Strong  place  that,  hey  David?"  he  said.  "It'll  tak  a  mon  some 
time  tae  raise  up  oot  o'  that  at  the  Day  o'  Judgment." 

"Hoot,  mon,"  said  David,  "ye  can  gie  yersel  little  fash  aboot 
raisin'  when  that  day  comes.  They'll  tak  the  bottom  oot  o'  it  and 
let  you  fa'  doon." 

— London   Telegraph. 

A  Sanctified  Pup 

"Your  Honor,"  said  the  proseaiting  attorney,  "your  bull  pup 
has  went  and  chawed  up  the  court  Bible." 

"Well,"  grumbled  the  Court,  "make  the  witness  kiss  the  pup; 
we  can't  adjourn  court  to  get  a  new  Bible." 

— The  Labor  Clarion  {London). 
6 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


"You  Savvy  God?" 

There  was  a  prominent  lawyer  in  San  Francisco  who  prided 
himself  on  his  astuteness  in  questioning  Chinese  witnesses.  He 
was  very  near-sighted,  however,  and  on  one  occasion  got  into  diffi- 
culty through  failing  to  notice  that  the  dress  of  a  certain  Chinese 
witness  was  of  finer  texture  than  that  worn  by  the  ordinary  coolie. 
The  following  dialogue  ensued. 

"What  is  your  name?" 

"Sell  Lung." 

"Do  you  live  in  San  Francisco?" 

"Yes." 

"Do  you  savvy  God?" 

"Mr.  Attorney,  if  you  mean  to  ask  whether  I  comprehend  the 
entity  of  our  Creator,  I  will  merely  reply  that  on  next  Thursday 
evening  I  shall  address  the  State  Ministerial  Association  upon  the 
subject  of  'The  Divinity  of  Christ,'  and  I  shall  be  pleased  if  you 
will  attend."  To  the  day  of  his  death  the  celebrated  lawyer  will 
never  escape  the  question,  "You  savvy  God  ?" 

— Case  and  Comment. 

Dunce ! 

A  negro  lad  had  been  brought  into  a  Virginia  police  court  for 
the  fifth  time  charged  with  stealing  chickens.  The  magistrate 
determined  to  appeal  to  the  boy's  father. 

"See  here,"  said  his  honor,  "this  boy  of  yours  has  been  in  this 
court  so  many  times  charged  with  chicken-stealing  that  I'm  quite 
tired  of  seeing  him  here." 

"I  don't  blame  you,  jedge,"  said  the  parent,  "an'  I's  tired  of 
seein'  him  here  as  you  is." 

"Then,  why  don't  you  teach  him  how  to  act?  Show  him  the 
right  way  and  he  won't  be  coming  here." 

"I  has  showed  him  de  right  way,"  said  the  father,  "but  he  jest 
don't  seem  to  have  no  talent  for  learning  how,  jedge;  he  always 
gets  caught." 

— Lan»per  and  Banlier. 

Do  You  Blame  Him? 

Mr.  McNab  (after  having  his  lease  read  over  to  him) — "I  will 
not  sign  that:  I  havena'  been  able  tae  keep  Ten  Commandments 
for  a  mansion  in  Heaven,  an'  I'm  no'  gaun  tae  tackle  aboot  a 
hundred  for  twa  rooms  in  the  High  Street!" 

— London  Opinion. 
7 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


Chinchilla  Worship 

Wife — "Did  you  notice  the  chinchilla  coat  on  the  woman 
sitting  in  front  of  us  this  morning?" 

Husband — "Er — no.    Afraid  I  was  dozing  most  of  the  time." 
Wife — "Um.    A  lot  of  good  the  service  did  you." 

— Chicago   Tribune. 

Terrible ! 

History  Professor — "How  was  Alexander  I  of  Russia 
killed?" 

Student  (vaguely) — "By  a  bomb." 
Professor — "Be  a  little  more  explicit,  please." 
Student  (in  desperation) — "Well,  you  see — er — it  exploded." 

— American  Legion  PFee^/y. 

The  Blubbering  Whale 

A  captain  of  an  Atlantic  liner  was  bothered  by  a  woman 
passenger  who  was  always  inquiring  about  the  possibility  of  seeing 
a  whale.  A  dozen  times  a  day  she  besought  him  to  have  her  called 
if  one  hove  in  sight. 

"But,  madam,"  the  captain  asked  her  rather  impatiently,  after 
long  suffering  in  silence,  "why  are  you  so  eager  to  see  a  whale?" 

"Captain,"  she  answered,  "my  desire  in  life  is  to  see  a  whale 
blubber.  It  must  be  very  impressive  to  watch  such  an  enormous 
creature  cry." 

— Harper's  Magazine. 

Killing  the  Infant 

Little  Tommie  Brown  was  always  interested  in  his  new  baby 
sister.  One  day  he  stood  peering  down  upon  it  while  nurse  was 
singing  it  to  sleep. 

"Nurse,"  he  whispered  at  last,  "she's  nearly  unconscious,  isn't 
she?" 

"Yes,"  nodded  the  nurse,  and  continued  singing  the  lullaby. 

Tommie  whispered  in  alarm:  "Then  don't  sing  any  more  or 
you'll  kill  her." 

— Evening  NeJes  {London). 

Drop  Those  Skirts ! 

Policeman — "Lost  yer  mammy,  'ave  j^er?  Why  didn't  yer 
keep  hold  of  her  skirt?" 

Little  Alfred — "I  cou-cou-couldn't  reach  it." 

— London  Opinion. 
8 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


We  Pander  to  Our  Punsters 

Two  Tommies  turned  punsters  went  into  a  restaurant  over  on 
the  eastern  front  and  said  to  the  waiter,  "We  want  Turkey  with 
Greece." 

The  waiter  replied,  "Sorry,  sirs,  but  we  can't  Servia." 

"Well,  then,  get  the  Bosphorus." 

The  boss  came  in  and  heard  their  order  and  then  said,  "I  don't 
want  to  Russia,  but  you  can't  Rumania."  So  the  two  Tommies 
went  away  Hungary. 

— Commerce  and  Finance. 

We  Freely  Assent 

In  a  large  park  in  one  of  the  Eastern  cities  there  are  seats  about 
the  bandstand  with  this  notice  posted  on  them: 

"The  seats  in  the  vicinity  of  the  bandstand  are  for  the  use  of 
ladies.  Gentlemen  should  make  use  of  them  only  after  the  former 
are  seated." 

— The  American  Legion   JVeelily. 

Doc's  Own  Yob 

Axel,  a  Swede  in  an  outfit  at  Fort  Jay,  woke  up  one  morning 
with  a  desire  to  loaf.  He  got  put  on  sick-call,  thinking  it  was 
worth  trying,  anyway.  At  the  dispensary  the  doc  looked  him  over, 
felt  his  pulse,  and  took  his  temperature.    Then  he  said : 

"I  can't  find  anything  wrong  with  you." 

No  answer. 

"See  here,  what's  wrong  with  you  anyway?" 

"Doc,"  replied  Axel.    "That  bane  your  j^ob." 

— The  American  Legion   Wee^l}). 

Father  Teaches  Jimmy 

"Where's  Jimmy?"  asked  the  head  of  the  house,  coming  home 
from  work. 

"He  was  very  naughty,"  replied  his  wife.  "I  sent  him  to  bed  for 
swearing." 

"Swearing?"  roared  the  indignant  father.  "I'll  teach  him  to 
swear!"  and  he  rushed  up-stairs.  For  some  minutes  the  indignant 
parental  voice  resounded  through  the  house,  and  then  Jimmy's 
mother  called: 

"John,  dear.     I'm  sure  Jimmy  has  heard  enough  for  the  first 

lesson.'' 

— The  American  Legion   IVeel^ly. 
9 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


They  Do 

Two  men,  strangers  to  each  other,  sat  side  by  side  in  a 
suburban  train.  Finally,  one  turned  to  the  other  and  became 
confidential. 

"I,"  he  said  impressively,  "am  a  starter  of  elevators  in  a  city 
sky-scraper.  When  I  signal  them  to  go  up,  they  go  up.  And  your 
line  is ?" 

"I,"  said  the  other,  "am  an  undertaker.  When  I  signal  them 
to  go  down,  they  go  down." 

— The  American  Legion   Weekly. 

Bantams 

"Aw,"  said  Willie,  "5^ou're  afraid  to  fight;  that's  all  it  is." 
"No,  I'm  not,"  protested  Jack,  "but  if  I  fight  my  ma'll  find 
it  out  and  lick  me." 

"How'll  she  find  it  out?" 

"She'll  see  the  doctor  goin'  to  j^our  house." 

— O.  £.  R.  Bulletin. 

Dangerous  Occupation 

"Is  your  husband  a  good  provider,  Dinah?" 
"Yessum,  he's  a  good  providah  all  right,  but  I'se  alius  skeered 
dat  niggah's  gwine  er  git  caught  at  it." 

— O.  E.  R.  Bulletin. 

And  So  She'd  Oughter 

"There  seemed  to  be  trouble  in  your  house  this  morning." 
"Yep.     Ma  got  after  Pa." 
"What  for?" 

"Oh,  he  forgot  and  wiped  his  razor  on  one  of  the  guest  towels." 

— Detroit  Free  Press. 

He  Couldn't  Shoot  Sausages ! 

The  sportsman  strode  into  a  poulterer's  shop,  and  with  the  air 
of  a  man  who  meant  business,  said : 

"Can  you  sell  me  a  nice,  plump  pheasant?" 

"I'm  sorry,  I  have  not  a  pheasant  left,  sir,"  replied  the  shopman, 
"but  here  are  some  fine  sausages  that  I  can  highly  recommend. 
I'm  sure  your  wife  will  be  delighted  with  them." 

"Sausages  be  blowed!"  j'elled  the  sportsman.  "How  can  I  tell 
my  wife  I  shot  sausages?" 

— Los  Angeles  Times. 
10 


sparks  of  Laughter 


Yes — Very ! 

An  agitated  woman  burst  into  a  police  station  in  Chicago  not 
long  ago  with  this  announcement: 

"My  husband  has  been  threatening  to  drown  himself  for  some 
time,  and  he's  been  missing  now  for  two  days.  I  want  you  to  have 
the  river  dragged." 

"Is  there  anything  peculiar  about  him  by  which  he  could  be 
recognized  if  we  should  find  a  body?"  asked  the  inspector. 

For  a  moment  the  woman  hesitated  and  seemed  at  a  loss.  Then 
a  look  of  relief  came  to  her  face  and  she  replied : 

"Why,  yes!    He's  deaf." 

— Harper's  Magazine. 

Eve  Indicates  the  Apple 

A  girl  was  walking  along  a  road,  and  a  young  man  along 
another.  The  roads  finally  united.  The  man  w^as  carrying  a  large 
iron  kettle  on  his  back.  In  one  hand  he  held,  by  the  legs,  a  live 
chicken,  in  the  other  a  cane,  and  he  was  leading  a  goat.  Just  as 
they  were  coming  to  a  deep  ravine  the  girl  said  to  the  young  man : 

"I'm  afraid  to  go  through  that  ravine  with  you,  it  is  a  lonely 
place  and  you  might  overpower  me  and  kiss  me  by  force — !" 

"How  can  I  possibly  kiss  you  by  force,"  he  asked,  "when  I  have 
this  iron  kettle  on  my  back  and  a  cane  in  one  hand  and  a  live 
chicken  in  the  other,  and  am  leading  this  goat?  I  might  as  well 
be  tied  hand  and  foot!" 

"True,"  replied  the  girl,  "but  if  you  should  stick  your  cane  into 
the  ground  and  tie  the  goat  to  it,  and  turn  the  kettle  upside  down 
and  put  the  chicken  under  it,  then  you  might  wickedly  kiss  me  in 
spite  of  my  resistance !" 

"I  should  never  have  thought  of  that,"  he  said. 

And  when  he  came  to  the  ravine,  he  stuck  his  cane  into  the 
ground  and  tied  the  goat  to  it  and,  lowering  the  kettle  from  his 
shoulders,  imprisoned  the  fowl  under  it,  and  kissed  the  girl! 

— Carolina  Tar  Bab}). 

Told  a  Million  Times 

DoRTS — I  thought  you  were  going  to  kiss  me  when  j^ou  puckered 
up  your  lips  just  now. 

Jack — No — er — it  was  only  a  piece  of  grit  in  my  mouth. 
Doris — Then,  for  goodness  sake,  swallow  it — you  need  some! 

— Edinburgh  Scotsman. 
II 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


And  Youse  Can  Try  It ! 

"There  isn't  much  I  don't  know  about  the  English  language," 
boasted  the  long-haired  man  in  the  club. 

"I'll  test  you,"  a  friend  picked  him  up  quickly.  "I'll  dictate  a 
paragraph  to  you." 

With  an  assured  air  the  boaster  seized  his  pencil,  but  his  jaw 
dropped  as  he  heard : 

"As  Hugh  Hughes  was  hewing  a  yule  log  from  a  yew  tree  a 
man  dressed  in  clothes  of  a  dark  hue  came  up  to  Hugh  and  said: 
'Have  you  seen  my  ewes?*  " 

"If  you  will  wait  until  I  hew  this  yew  tree  I  will  go  with  you 
an3'where  in  Europe  to  look  for  your  ewes,"  said  Hugh. 

— NeTD  Orleans  T'tmei-P'tca^une. 


Worse  Than  That  Comes  Later 

Sunday  school  had  just  begun  when  the  teacher  turned  to  nine- 
year-old  Edward  and  asked  him  why  he  had  been  absent  from 
Sunday  school  last  Sunday.  His  answer  came  promptly  and 
clearly:    "Pop  and  me  went  blackberrying  last  Sunday." 

Teacher  was  nonplused.  "Why,  Edward,"  she  exclaimed. 
"Don't  you  have  any  idea  what  will  happen  to  little  boys  who  pick 
blackberries  on  Sundays?" 

"Yes,  ma'am,"  his  answer  was  again  prompt.  "They'll  get 
chiggers  on  them." 

— Indianapolii  Neros. 


?      ?      ? 

"A  flirt,  am  I?"  exclaimed  Mary  Ann,  under  notice  to  go. 
"Well,  I  know  them  as  flirts  more  than  I  do,  and  with  less  hex- 
cuse."  She  shot  a  spiteful  look  at  her  mistress  and  added:  "I'm 
better  looking  than  you.  More  'andsome.  'Ow  do  I  know? 
Your  husband  told  me  so." 

"That  will  do,"  said  her  mistress,  frigidly. 

"But  I  ain't  finished  yet!"  retorted  Mary  Ann.  "I  can  give  a 
better  kiss  than  you!    Want  to  know  'oo  told  me  that,  mum?" 

"If  you  mean  to  suggest  that  my  husband " 

"No,  it  wasn't  your  'usband  this  time,"  said  Mary  Ann.  "It 
was  your  chauffeur." 

— Til- Bits   (LonJon). 
12 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


"Wise  in  Their  Generation" 

The  principal  of  a  certain  school  for  girls  had  occasion  to  speak 
sharply  to  one  of  the  pupils. 

"Alarion,"  he  said  sharply,  "you've  neglected  your  work  shame- 
fully, and  you  must  remain  with  me  an  hour  after  school." 

Marion  shrugged  her  thin  little  shoulders.  "Well,"  she  said, 
"if  your  wife  doesn't  mind  it,  I'm  sure  I  don't." 

— Denver  Times. 

Quit  Working  So  Hardl 

Those  who  are  feeling  deprest  at  the  labor  troubles  through 
which  we  are  passing  would  receive  a  good  tonic  if  they  took  a 
walk  through  Whitechapel,  for  on  the  notice-board  of  a  certain 
church  there  the  following  piece  of  anatomical  pleasantry  has  been 
painted : 

It  is  easier  to  smile  than  to  frown ! 

To  frown  you  use  64  muscles,  but  only  13  to  smile! 

— London  Morning  Pat, 

From  a  Funny  Column — But  It  Isn't  a  Joke 

Tiiere  is  an  English  church  where  a  box  hangs  in  the  porch.  It 
is  used  for  communications  for  the  pastor.  Cranks  put  their  notes 
in  it,  but  occasionally  it  does  fulfil  its  purpose.  Recently  the  min- 
ister preached,  by  request,  a  sermon  on  "Recognition  of  Friends  in 
Heaven,"  and  during  the  week  the  following  note  was  found  in 
the  box:  "Dear  Sir — I  should  be  much  obliged  if  you  could  make 
it  convenient  to  preach  to  your  congregation  on  'The  Recognition 
of  Friends  on  Earth,'  as  I  have  been  coming  to  your  church  for 
nearly  six  months,  and  nobody  has  taken  any  notice  of  me  yet." 

— Christian  Register. 

Had  to  Swear  an  Oathful 

Speaking  of  moving-picture  actors,  a  good  story  is  told  of  one 
who  was  suing  a  company  for  breach  of  contract.  When  asked  by 
the  court  why  he  claimed  so  large  a  sum  he  replied,  "It  is  because 
I  am  the  greatest  actor  in  the  world." 

A  few  days  later  some  of  his  friends  badgered  him  about  the 
mighty  high  opinion  of  himself  expressed. in  the  statement.  "I 
know  it  must  have  sounded  somewhat  conceited,"  he  explained, 
"but  I  was  under  oath,  so  what  could  I  do  ?" 

— Boston  Transcript. 

13 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


A  Resourceful  Judge 

A  judge  had  declared  that  he  would  stop  the  carrying  of  fire- 
arms in  the  streets  of  a  Western  town.  Before  him  appeared  a 
tough  youth  charged  with  getting  drunk  and  firing  his  revolver 
in  the  crowded  streets. 

"Ten  dollars  and  costs,"  said  the  judge. 

"But,  your  honor,"  interposed  the  counsel  for  the  defense,  "my 
client  didn't  hit  anybody." 

"But  he  admits  he  fired  the  gun." 

"Yes,  but  he  fired  into  the  air,"  explained  the  lawj^er. 

"Ten  dollars  and  costs,"  repeated  the  judge.  "He  might  have 
hit  an  angel." 

— Pittsburgh   Timei-Cazette. 

Just  Sojourning — Ever  Done  It? 

She  had  the  habit  of  being  late  in  keeping  appointments.  Well, 
that's  nothing;  so  have  other  women.  This  particular  day  the 
appointment  was  with  her  husband.  At  last  she  did  put  in  an 
appearance. 

"Oh,  are  you  waiting  for  me,  dear?" 

"Waiting?     No;  sojourning!" 

— Von^era  Statesman. 

Mother  Lands  a  Wallop 

Mr.  De  Seines  (on  being  introduced  to  adored  one's  mother)  — 
Pardon  me,  madam,  but  have  we  not  met  before?  Your  face 
seems  strangely  familiar. 

Adored  One's  Mother — ^Yes,  I  am  the  woman  who  stood  up 
before  you  for  two  whole  miles  in  a  street  car  the  other  day  while 
you  sat  reading  a  paper. 

— Toronto  Telegram, 

And  the  Para  Golosh 

Willie — Paw,  can  j^ou  name  six  noted  legislative  bodies? 

Paw — "Well,  there's  the  American  Congress,  and  the  British 
Parliament,  and  the  French  Chamber  of  Deputies  and  the  German 
Reichstag,  and  the  Japanese  Diet,  my  son. 

Willie — But  that's  only  five,  and  the  teacher  wants  us  to 
name  six. 

Paw — Well,  there's  the — er — er — the  Hungarian  Goulash. 
Now,  don't  bother  me.     Can't  you  see  I'm  reading? 

— Broolilifn  Eagle. 
14 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


Justifiable  Homicide 

"Certainly,  I  killed  my  husband !"  calmly  said  the  fair  prison- 
eress  at  the  bar.  "Why  shouldn't  I  ?  I  came  home  and  found  the 
wretch  sleeping  with  his  head  on  my  handsome  sofa  pillow " 

"Not  guilty,"  cried  the  twelve  juroresses  in  one  voice. 

— Kansas  City  Star. 

No,  Nor  Has  Anybody  Else ! 

The  origin  of  the  bagpipe  was  being  discussed,  the  representa- 
tives of  different  nations  eagerly  disclaiming  responsibility  for  the 
atrocity.  Finally  an  Irishman  said:  "Well,  I'll  tell  you  the  truth 
about  it.  The  Irish  invented  it  and  sold  it  to  the  Scotch  as  a 
joke;  and  the  Scotch  ain't  seen  the  joke  yet!" 

— JVaichtnan-Examiner. 

Why  Quibble?— Smoke  f 

Wife — Have  you  ever  thought  how  many  hats  you  could  buy  in 
a  year  if  you  saved  the  money  you  squander  in  smoking  ? 

Hub — Often.  I  estimate  that  I  could  buy  about  twenty  for 
myself,  but  only  two  for  you. 

— Boston  Transcript. 

Yes,  They'll  Get  You  Sure ! 

The  Motorist — Say,  friend,  my  engine's  stalled.  Think  you 
can  help  me  find  out  what's  the  matter  with  it  ? 

Constable  Talltimber — I  can,  but  I  won't  just  now.  I 
can't  pinch  you  for  speedin',  but  in  ten  minutes  I'll  fix  up  your 
engine,  an'  then  pinch  you  for  parkin'  here  too  long. 

— Boston    Clobe. 

Crazy  Over  Him 
A  man  managed  to  get  into  conversation  with  a  pretty  girl  dur- 
ing a  railway  journey.     He  v/as  very  pleased  with  himself  and 
when  the  train  arrived  at  his  destination  he  said  to  the  girl : 

"I  have  to  thank  you  for  making  this  otherwise  dull  journey  a 
very  pleasant  one.  I'm  afraid  you  wouldn't,  perhaps,  have  been 
so  nice  if  you'd  known  I  was  a  married  man." 

"Oh,  as  to  that,"  said  the  girl,  "you  have  no  advantage  over  me. 
I'm  an  escaped  lunatic." 

— Houston  Post, 
15 


sparks  of  Laughter 


Regular  Cataract  of  Lodore 

A  sufferer  who  lives  close  to  a  railroad  yard  in  the  suburbs 
wrote  the  following  to  the  railroad  company  complaining  about 
the  racket  made  by  a  switch  engine: 

"Gentlemen:  Why  is  it  that  your  switch  engine  has  to  ding 
and  dong  and  fizz  and  spit  and  bang  and  hiss  and  pant  and  grate 
and  grind  and  puff  and  bump  and  chug  and  hoot  and  toot  and 
whistle  and  wheeze  and  jar  and  jerk  and  howl  and  snarl  and  puff 
and  growl  and  thump  and  boom  and  clash  and  jolt  and  screech 
and  snort  and  snarl  and  slam  and  throb  and  roar  and  rattle  and 
yell  and  smoke  and  smell  and  shriek  like  hell  all  night  long?" 

— Boston  Globe. 

Yes,  Why? 

"You  writing  your  sermon,  pop?"  the  small  son  of  a  minister 
asked  interestedly. 

"Yes,  my  boy,"  was  the  reply  of  the  divine  as  he  looked  up  from 
his  manuscript. 

"How  do  you  know  what  to  write,  pop?"  was  the  next  ques- 
tion. 

"God  tells  me  what  to  write,  my  son,"  the  minister  replied 
impressively. 

The  little  fellow  looked  doubtful. 

"If  He  tells  you  what  to  write,"  he  demanded,  "why  do  you 
go  back  and  scratch  out  a  lot  of  it?" 

—Judge. 

Civic  Patriotism 

"It  was  a  very  shrewd  and  diplomatic  culprit,"  says  a  Denver 
law3'er,  "who  was  brought  before  a  judge  in  our  town  not  so  long 
ago.    The  judge  fixed  him  with  a  stern  eye  and  said : 
"  'You  are  charged  with  having  registered  illegally.' 
"  ^our  Honor,'  said  the  man,  'maybe  I  did,  but  they  were  try- 
ing so  hard  to  beat  Your  Honor  that  I  became  desperate.*  " 

— Harper*  Magazine. 

Ought  to  Have  Been 

High  School  Teacher — Who  can  tell  me  something  about 
Nero? 

Bright  Pupil — Is  he  the  one  mentioned  in  "Nero,  my  God,  to 

thee?" 

—Judge. 

16 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


A  Modem  Convenience 

"The  wide-awake  student,"  observes  a  university  man,  "occa- 
sionally puts  a  question  which  the  next  minute  he  will  regret.  In 
this  relation  one  recalls  a  story  told  by  a  Yale  instructor  who  was 
lecturing  on  oxygen. 

"  'Oxygen,'  said  he,  'is  essential  to  all  animal  existence.  There 
could  be  no  life  without  it.  Yet,  strange  to  say,  it  was  discov- 
ered only  a  century  ago.' 

"  'What  did  they  do,  then,  sir,'  a  student  asked,  'before  it  was 
discovered  ?'  " 

— Harper  i  Magazine. 

"Custard  Pie  Drammers" 

"What's  Charmian  yipping  about  now?"  asked  Heloise,  of  the 
rapid  fire  restaurant. 

"Aw,  she's  on  the  subject  of  the  movies  again,"  replied  Claudine, 
of  the  same  establishment.  "Her  notion  is  that  them  custard  pie 
drammers  ain't  true  to  life;  she  says  she  never  flung  a  pie  in  a 
gen'leman's  face  or  rubbed  it  in  his  hair — that  is,  of  course,  unless 
he  got  too  fresh,  or  something." 

— Success. 

A  Quick  Trip 

Peter  Horback  claims  that  the  oldest  joke  is  the  one  about  the 
Irishman  who  was  handling  dynamite  in  a  quarrj'.  He  let  a  stick 
drop,  and  the  whole  box  went  up,  taking  Mike  with  it.  The 
quarry  boss  came  around  later  and  said  to  another  Irishman: 
"Where's  Mike?" 

"He's  gone,"  replied  Pat. 

"When  will  he  be  back?"  asked  the  boss. 

"Well,"  replied  Pat,  "if  he  comes  back  as  fast  as  he  went,  he'll 
be  back  yesterday." 

— Cincinnati  Enquirer. 

Yes,  in  the  "Dim  Religious  Light" 

"Daughter,  I  hope  you  will  go  to  church  this  evening.  The 
pastor's  subject,  'An  Hour  with  Favorite  Hymns,'  should  be  very 
interesting." 

"I  should  like  very  much  to  go,  father,  but  I  have  an  engage- 
ment with  my  own  favorite  him  to-night." 

— Boston  Transcript. 
17 


sparks  of  Laughter 


Well— Did  He? 

The  teacher  of  "conversational  French"  in  a  certain  Eastern 
college  was  a  lively  mademoiselle  "just  over." 

One  bright  afternoon  she  stopped  two  girls  very  excitedly.  She 
wanted  to  buy  an  "eponge  pour  la  bain,"  but  did  not  know  what 
to  ask  for. 

"Bath  sponge.  Tell  the  salesman  you  want  a  big  bath  sponge  to 
take  home  with  you,"  said  the  girls  in  chorus,  and  they  accom- 
panied her  to  the  village  drug  store. 

A  young  clerk  stepped  forward.  Mademoiselle  advanced 
bravely. 

"Please,"  she  said,  smilingly,  "will  you  kindly  take  me  home  and 
give  me  a  big  sponge  bath?" 

— Succesi, 

Vice-President  Marshall's  Humor 

When  Vice-President  Marshall  was  a  struggling  lav^^er  in 
Indiana,  a  book  agent  entered  his  office  one  morning  and  under- 
took to  sell  him  a  nev/  edition  of  the  Bible.  Marshall  interrupted 
to  ask  who  the  author  was. 

"W-h-y,  this  is  the  Bible,"  explained  the  agent. 

"I  am  fully  aware  of  that,"  answered  Marshall.  "But  I  ask 
you  who  is  the  author?" 

The  agent  again  explained  he  was  offering  the  Bible. 

"I  know,"  said  Marshall,  "but  who's  the  author?" 

Gathering  up  his  samples,  the  book  agent  retreated  to  the  door, 
then  with  one  hand  on  the  knob,  turned  around  and  shouted,  "You 
pinheaded  fool  and  blithering  idiot,  it's  the  Bible!" 

— Cappers  IVeel^l^. 

A  Clumsy  Novice 

"My  boy,"  said  the  elderly  physician,  "I'm  afraid  you  will  never 
get  rich  in  the  profession." 

"Why  not?"  asked  the  young  doctor. 

"You  told  one  of  the  richest  women  in  town  her  complaints 
were  imaginary." 

"And  so  they  are." 

"To  be  sure,  but  you  should  have  told  her  so  in  medical  terms 
she  couldn't  understand  and  put  her  down  for  at  least  two  visits 
a  week." 

— Birmingham  Age-Herald, 
18 


sparks  of  Laughter 


Shall  V/e  "Shoot?" 

A  Pittsburgh  lawyer  was  conducting  a  case  in  court  not  long  ago 
and  one  of  the  witnesses,  a  burly  negro,  confessed  that  at  the  time 
of  his  arrest  he  was  engaged  in  a  crap  game.  Immediately  tlie 
lawyer  said,  "Now,  sir,  I  want  you  to  tell  the  jury  just  how  you 
deal  craps." 

"Wass  dat?"  asked  the  witness,  rolling  his  eyes. 

"Address  the  jury,  sir,"  thundered  the  lawyer,  "and  tell  them 
just  how  3'ou  deal  craps." 

"Lenime  outen  heah!"  cried  the  witness  uneasily.  "Fust  thing  I 
know  this  gem-man  gwine  to  ask  me  how  to  drink  a  sandwich." 

— Boston   Transcript. 

"Dear  Teacher's"  One  Meteor 

The  teacher  was  anxious  to  make  a  good  showing  before  the 
county  superintendent,  so  when  he  asked  the  boy  at  the  head  of  the 
class  a  question  her  heart  was  light.  "Who  was  the  mother  of  the 
great  Scottish  hero,  Robert  Bruce?"  was  the  query.  There  was 
no  answer,  so  he  went  the  rounds  of  the  other  pupils. 

At  last  the  teacher  grew  radiant  with  joy,  for  the  boy  who  was 
standing  at  the  foot  held  up  his  hand. 

"Well,  my  boy,"  said  the  superintendent,  encouragingly,  "who 
was  she?" 

"Please,  sir,  Mrs.  Bruce." 

— Columbus  Dispatch, 

The  "Beeg  Steef"  Waited 

In  one  of  the  sm.aller  cities  in  central  France  used  by  a  division 
headquarters  during  the  winter  of  1918-1919,  Alphonse,  the 
barber,  endeavored  to  learn  to  speak  English.  To  this  end  he  was 
diligently  coached  by  numerous  Yank  dispatch-bearers,  sergeant- 
majors,  and  clerical  workers,  and  Alphonse  learned  fast. 

No  less  a  personage  than  the  commanding  general  of  the  division 
strode  into  the  barber  shop  one  day  and  demanded  a  shave  in  a 
hurry.  Alphonse  knew  rank  when  he  saw  it  and  rose  to  the 
occasion. 

"Sairtainlee,  mon  general,"  he  replied,  bowing  with  the  French 
politeness.  "Seet  down,  mon  general,  an'  you  be  nex',  you  beeg 
steef." 

The  general  waited. 

— American  Legion   W^ee^/y. 

19 


sparks  of  Laughter 


Joke's  on  the  Joker — Queer  Name  for  Englishman — 

Spell  It! 

Elizabeth  N.  Barr,  an  editorial  writer  with  the  Reclassification- 
ist,  tells  a  story  of  an  Englisha^an  who  telephoned  to  say  he  had 
not  received  his  paper.  Having  difficulty  in  understanding  the 
name,  the  editor  asked  that  he  spell  it. 

"  'Ow  do  you  spell  it?"  the  Englishman  said.  "Spell  it  with  a 
hoe  and  a  hen  and  a  he  and  a  hi  and  two  hells." 

— Washington   Times. 

"Father's  Perfume" 

"Pussyfoot"  Johnson,  whose  effort  to  prohibitionize  Scotland 
failed  recentl),  was  discussing  his  failure  with  a  New  York  editor. 

"Yes,  I  failed,"  he  ended,  "and  I'm  very  sorry.  Conditions  in 
Scotland  are  very  bad. 

"Did  you  ever  hear  the  story  of  the  deacon's  daughter?  This 
story  illustrates  Scottish  conditions  very  well. 

"The  wife  of  a  Peebles  deacon  took  a  bath  one  evening,  and  as 
it  was  rainy,  chill  November  weather,  she  swallowed  a  teaspoonful 
or  two  of  whisky  after  her  bath  to  keep  herself  from  catching  cold. 

"Then  in  her  dressing-gown  she  went  to  bid  her  little  daughter 
good-night.  She  stooped  over  the  child's  cot  and  a  kiss  was 
exchanged.  After  the  kiss  the  little  girl  drew  back  sharply,  sniffed 
and  said: 

"  'Why,  mamma,  you've  been  using  father's  perfume,  haven't 
you.'  " 

— Detroit  Free  Press. 

Keeping  the  Sabbath  Holey 

"Chick"  Evans,  the  brilliant  golfer,  was  talking  at  a  recent  club 
dinner  in  Chicago  about  Sunday  golf. 

"The  prejudice  against  playing  golf  on  Sunday,"  said  Mr. 
Evans,  "has  practically  disappeared,  but  in  New  England  there  are 
still  clubs  where  the  game  is  not  permitted  on  Sunday. 

"To  deprive  the  modern  player,"  continued  Mr.  Evans,  "of  his 
Sunday  golf — the  only  day  in  the  week  that  some  men  can  play — is 
a  great  hardship." 

Smiling,  the  great  golfer  added  whimsically: 

"And,  as  a  matter  of  fact,  doesn't  the  golfer  remember  the 
Sabbath  day  and  keep  it  'holey'?" 

— Los  Angeles   Times. 
20 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


A  Libel 

She  was  j'oung ;  she  was  pretty.  She  wore  the  traditional  tor- 
toisesliell  can^pus  windshields.  And  she  had  the  American  co-ed's 
blithesome  assurance  as  she  stepped  up  to  the  library  window. 

"Oh,  look!"  she  said.  "I've  got  to  read  some  books.  It's  for 
my  English  VI  semi-Hnals.  Look,  have  you  got  'The  Four  Horse- 
men with  the  Erysipelas,'  by  that  Spanish  Caveman?  And  I  want 
a  book  of  poetry,  too.     Something  kind  of  jazzy.     See?" 

— New   Yorl(  Tribune. 

Getting  a  Collection 

The  young  housewife,  looking  very  pretty  and  workmanlike  in 
a  big  green  overall,  Avas  cleaning  out  the  pantry  cupboard. 

"Dickie,"  she  called  to  her  young  husband,  who  was  smoking  in 
the  spick-and-span  little  drawing-room,  "I  want  you  to  bring  me  a 
mouse-trap  home  to-morrow." 

"But,  angel,"  cried  the  young  man.  "I  brought  you  one  home 
only  yesterday." 

"I  know,  pet,"  called  back  the  young  bride,  "but  that  one  has  a 
mouse  in  it." 

— Spanish  River  News. 

Yea,  Verily! 

O  Woman,  in  our  easeful  hours 
Light  as  the  breeze  that  woos  the  flowers, 
When  feminism  distorts  the  brow 
A  devastating  tempest  thou! 

— Judge 

An  Accurate  Diagnostician  - 

Father  was  giving  the  fair  young  daughter  a  lecture  about  her 
beau.  He  exclaimed,  "Does  he  know  who  pays  the  light  bills? 
Doesn't  he  know  enough  to  go  home  at  the  right  time?" 

The  daughter  replied,  "Yes,  he  knows  enough  to  go,  but  he  was 
sick  last  night." 

With  that  father  started  in  again.  "Don't  tell  me  that  a  big 
husky  fellow  like  him  was  sick.  What  on  earth  was  the  matter 
wnth  him?" 

As  the  fair  young  daughter  started  for  the  door,  she  sang  back, 
"He  has  heart  trouble." 

— Indianapolis  Ner»s. 

21 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


No  Drouth  There 

In  the  showing  of  a  pictorial  news  weekly  in  a  movie  house  in 
San  Diego,  Calif.,  the  operator  flashed  on  the  screen  a  picture  of 
two  distinguished  French  generals  riding  in  an  automobile.  Crowds 
lined  the  pavements,  their  umbrellas  up  and  water  dripping  from 
their  hats.     Suddenly  from  the  audience  came  the  awed  cry: 

"My  Gawd,  it's  still  rainin'  over  there!" 

— American  Legion  Weekly. 

What  Are  His  Specifications? 

"Here's  an  advertisement  for  a  wife." 

"She  must  be  young,  rich,  and  beautiful,  I  suppose?" 

"No,  but  the  requirements  are  almost  as  hard  to  meet.     The 

advertiser  specifies  that  she  must  be  'under  40,  immune  from  the 

movies,  and  house-broken.'  " 

— Birmingham  Age-Herald. 

Casey  Gets  His  Pass 

An  Irishman  came  into  the  office  of  the  president  of  the  Illinois 
Central  Railroad  and  said: 

"Me  name's  Casey.  Oi  worrik  out  in  the  yar-rds.  Oi'd  like  a 
pass  to  St.  Louis." 

"That  is  no  way  to  ask  for  a  pass,"  said  the  president.  "You 
should  introduce  yourself  politely.  Come  back  in  an  hour  and  try 
it  again." 

At  the  end  of  the  day  back  came  the  Irishman.  Doffing  his  hat, 
he  inquired,  "Are  yez  the  man  I  saw  before?" 

"lam." 

"Me  name  is  Patrick  Casey.  Oi've  been  workin'  out  in  the 
yar'rds." 

"Glad  to  know  you,  Mr,  Casey.    What  can  I  do  for  you?" 

"Oi've  got  a  job  an'  a  pass  to  St.  Louis  on  th'  Wabash.  Yez 
can  go  to  hell." 

— Case  Eagle. 

The  Shocker  Shocked 

The  Man  in  the  Athletic  Shirt — Say!  Where's  the 
towel  ? 

His  Wife  in  an  Evening  Gown — Aren't  5^ou  ready  yet? 
And  for  heaven's  sake,  pull  down  the  window  shade !  Do  you  want 
the  neighbors  to  see  you  exposed  like  that? 

—Judge. 
22 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


God  Bless  Her! 

Kittj'-,  aged  four,  had  been  naughty  and  her  father  had  had  to 
administer  vigorous  correction  before  going  to  business. 

That  an  impression  had  been  made  was  apparent  when,  on  his 
return  from  business  in  the  evening,  Kitty  called  upstairs  with 
frigid  politeness: 

"Mother,  your  husband's  home." 

— Boston  Globe. 

Happy  Mr.  Shepherd! 

Mrs.  Botts,  a  Mobile  darky,  was  calling  upon  a  neighbor,  Mrs. 
Shepherd. 

"Ah  notices  yo'  is  housecleanin',''  observed  Mrs.  Botts. 

"Yes,  Ah  is,"  replied  Mrs.  Shepherd.  "Dey  ain't  nothin'  like 
movin'  things  'round  once  in  a  while.  Why,  Mrs.  Botts,  Ah  jes' 
come  across  a  pair  of  slippers  under  de  baid  dat  Ah  'ain't  seen  fo' 
a  couple  of  j^eahs." 

— Harper's  Magazine, 

A  "New  Beginning" 

In  Minnesota  last  year  a  little  Swede  presented  himself  to  a 
certain  schoolma'am  for  instruction. 
.  "What  is  your  name?"  the  teacher  asked. 
"Yonny  Olsen,"  he  said. 
"How  old  are  you?" 
"Ay  not  known  how  old  Ay  bane." 
"Well,  when  were  you  born?"  continued  the  teacher. 
"Ay  bane  not  born  at  all;  Ay  got  stepmutter." 

— Everybody's. 

The  Chicken  Halted 

Hiking  through  the  small  French  town,  an  ignorant  chicken, 
unversed  in  the  appetites  of  American  darkies,  crossed  the  road  in 
front  of  a  colored  detachment.  With  much  zeal  a  soldier  broke 
forth  from  the  ranks  and  set  out  in  pursuit. 

"Halt!"  bellowed  the  officer  in  charge.  Both  fowl  and  negro 
only  accelerated  their  paces. 

"Halt!  Halt!"  repeated  the  officer.  The  dusky  doughboy  made 
one  plunge,  grasped  the  chicken  by  the  neck,  and  stuffed  it,  still 
struggling,  inside  his  shirt. 

"Dere!"  he  panted.     "Ah'll  learn  you  to  halt  when  de  captain 

says  halt." 

— Journal  of  the  American  Medical  Association. 

23 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


"Smyytthhe" 

When  Alice  Smith  had  attained  the  age  of  sixteen  she  under- 
took to  alter  the  orthography  of  her  given  name  to  what,  it  seemed 
to  her,  was  a  more  poetic  form.  Accordingly,  she  began  to  sign 
herself  Alyce.  Thus  designated  she  entered  a  new  school  and,  of 
course,  the  first  question  put  to  her  was  with  reference  to  her  name. 

"Alyce  Smith,"  she  said.    "A-1-y-c-c." 

"Thanks,"  said  the  teacher.  "And  how  are  you  spelling  Smith 
now.*^ 

— Philadelphia   Ledger. 

Cheap  At  Any  Price 

A  man  took  his  wife  to  the  doctor.  He  was  a  simple  fellow, 
and  had  lived  in  the  country  all  his  life.  The  doctor  placed  a 
thermometer  in  the  wife's  mouth.  Just  before  he  removed  it  the 
man,  who  had  w^atched  spellbound,  being  unused  to  such  silence 
on  the  part  of  his  better  half,  blurted  out:  "Doctor,  what  will  you 
take  for  that  thing  you  put  in  her  mouth  ?" 

— Boston  Poit. 

When  a  Jubilee's  a  Jubilee 

"Some  years  ag^o,"  says  an  American  who  used  to  live  in  Lon- 
don, "before  Queen  Victoria's  death  and  about  the  time  the 
Queen's  jubilee  was  to  be  celebrated,  there  was  overheard  this 
conversation  between  two  old  Scotchwomen  on  a  street  corner: 
"  'Can  ye  tell  me,  wumman,  what  is  it  they  call  a  jubilee?' 
"  'Weel,  it's  this,'  said  the  other.  'When  folk  has  been  married 
twenty-five  years,  that's  a  silver  wuddin';  and  when  they  have 
been  married  fifty  years,  that's  a  golden  v\aiddin'.  But  if  the 
mon's  dead  then  it's  a  jubilee.'  " 

— Philadelphia  Public  Ledger. 

And  She  Got  By  With  It 

When  a  lady  who  was  "burning  up  the  road"  on  the  boulevard 
was  overtaken  by  a  traffic  officer  and  motioned  to  stop,  she 
indignantly  asked : 

"What  do  you  want  with  me?" 

"You  were  running  forty  miles  an  hour,"  answered  the  officer. 

"Forty  miles  an  hour?  Why,  officer,  I  haven't  been  out  an 
hour,"  said  the  lady. 

"Go  ahead,"  said  the  officer.    "That  is  a  new  one  on  me." 

— Pittsburgh  Dispatch. 
24 


sparks  of  Laughter 


Trying  Him  on  the  Dog 

The  scene  was  an  old  country  farm-yard,  and  the  fanner's  wife 
stood  at  the  door.  Down  tlie  pretty  country  lane  a  tramp, 
bedraggled  and  dirty,  made  his  v>'ay. 

At  the  farm-yard  gate  he  stopped  and  besought  tlie  farmer's 
wife  to  give  him  something  to  eat  to  appease  his  hunger. 

"Come  right  into  the  yard,"  said  she,  cordially. 

The  tramp  eyed  the  bulldog  that  was  roving  round  the  yard. 
The  bulldog  eyed  him. 

"Come  right  in,"  repeated  the  farmer's  wife. 

"I  dunno  about  that,"  answered  the  tramp.  "How  'bout  the 
dog?    Will  he  bite?" 

"I  don't  know,"  said  the  farmer's  wife.  "I  only  got  him 
to-day,  and  that's  what  I  want  to  find  out." 

— Pittsburgh  Chronicle-  Telegraph. 

The  Canny  Scot 

Had  to  Be  Shown — "Noo,  tell  me,"  said  the  Scotch  customer, 
"is  this  hair  restorer  certain  tae  mak  hair  grow  on  a  bald  heid  ?" 

"Yes,  sir,"  said  the  druggist.  "It  will  accomplish  it  in  twenty- 
four  hours." 

"Weel,"  remarked  the  other,  "that's  nae  lang  tae  wait.  Just 
rub  a  lettle  on  yer  ain  bald  place  and  I'll  come  in  in  the  morning 
an'  see  if  yer  spekin'  the  truth." 

— Pittsburgh  Chronicle-  Tcleg,raph. 

Absent-Minded  Professor  Again 

Professor  X,  a  very  absent-mmded  man,  was  being  sliaved  by 
the  barber.  After  the  operation  he  continued  to  occupy  the  chair, 
and  the  barber,  thinking  he  had  dozed  off,  said,  "Asleep,  sir?" 

The  professor  started.  "Bless  me,  no!"  he  exclaimed.  "I  am 
not  asleep.  The  fact  is  I  am  frightfully  near-sighted.  When  I 
took  my  glasses  off  I  was  no  longer  able  to  see  myself  in  the  mirror 
opposite  and  naturally  I  supposed  I  had  already  gone  home." 

— Boston   Transcript. 

Trouble  With  His  Napkin? 

"I'd  like  to  see  my  wife  go  to  the  polls  to  vote." 
"Are  you  so  much  opposed  to  suffrage?" 

"It  isn't  that,  but  I'd  like  to  enjoy  hearing  her  called  down  good 
and  hard  for  not  knowing  how  to  fold  her  ballot." 

— Baltimore  American. 

25 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


And  Why  Not? 

A  little  bird  sat  on  a  tree, 

And  hopped  from  limb  to  limb, 

And  kept  his  beady  eye  on  me, 

The  while  I  looked  at  him. 

I  stood  and  watched  him  much  amused — 

Until  a  thought  occurred 

That  it  was  very  possible  that  I  amused  the  bird. 

— Carnegie  Tech.  Puppet. 

Amen  and  Amen! 

Courtlandt  Bleecker,  at  a  dinner  in  Bar  Harbor,  deplored  the 
tendency  toward  immodesty  that  still  persists  in  women's  fashions. 

"However,"  he  said,  and  as  he  spoke  he  raised  on  high  his 
sparkling  glass  of  ginger  ale — "however,  we  can  always  hope  for 
the  best,  and  so,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  I  offer  the  toast: 

"Here's  to  the  low  neck  and  the  short  skirts — may  they  never 
meet!" 

— Los  Angeles  Times. 

Gravely  Humorous 

We  understand  that  The  National  Casket  Company,  having 
failed  in  their  attempt  to  purchase  for  their  exclusive  use  the 
slogan,  "HAPPINESS  IN  EVERY  BOX,"  is  now  negotiating 
with  a  prominent  flour  concern  for  all  rights  to  the  phrase: 
"EVENTUALLY— WHY  NOT  NOW?" 

— Advertising  Club  Neius. 

Perhaps  It  Is 

"Ma,  do  cows  and  bees  go  to  heaven?" 
"Mere}'',  child,  what  a  question!    Why?" 

"  'Cause  if  they  don't,  the  milk  and  honey  the  preacher  said  was 
up  there  must  be  canned  stuff." 

—Judge. 

Within  the  Law 

Mr.  GooDSOLE — ^Well,  what  do  you  want? 
Benny  the  Bum — I  wanna  know  kin  I  borry  a  red  lantern 
off'n  you?    I  find  I  gotta  sleep  in  the  street  to-night  an'  I'll  hafta 
warn  the  traffic  to  drive  aroun'  me. 

— Detroit  Free  Press. 
26 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


Skulls  and  Sculls 

A  Pink,  as  the  parlor  Bolsheviks  are  now  called,  got  into  an 
argument  at  a  Philadelphia  smoker  with  Editor  George  H. 
Lorimer.  "We  all  work  pretty  much  alike,"  said  the  Pink.  "In 
other  words,  v/e  all  do  the  best  we  can.  Therefore,  I  claim  that 
we  all  ought  to  be  paid  alike,  and  that  would  abolish  class 
distinction — rich  and  poor." 

"I  don't  agree,"  said  Editor  Lorimer.  "This  equality  idea 
leaves  me  cold." 

"But,"  said  the  Pink,  "don't  we  all,  after  all,  row  in  the  same 
boat?" 

"Yes,"  said  the  editor,  "but  not  with  the  same  skulls." 

— Loi  Angela  Times. 

Yes,  Your  Honor— What? 

Police  Judge  Cohen,  quizzing  John  World,  accused  of  assault 
and  battery,  asked,  "Why  did  you  hit  this  man?" 

"Wha',  judge,"  the  negro  began,  "wha'  would  you  all  do  if  some 
one  called  ya'  a  'kinky  headed  loafer'?" 

"But  I  haven't  got  kinky  hair,"  said  the  judge. 

"Well,"  drawled  World,  "what  would  you  all  done  if  he  called 
ya  da  kind  of  headed  loafer  dat  you  is?" 

— Toledo  Blade. 

And  Ought  to  Have  Been 

Uncle  and  niece  stood  watching  the  young  people  dancing  about 
them. 

"I  bet  you  never  saw  any  dancing  like  this  back  in  the  nineties, 
eh,  Unkie?" 

"Once — but  the  place  was  raided." 

—Judge. 

Excellently  Defined 

"What  does  it  mean  by  'being  candid,'  pa?" 
"Speaking  unto  others  as  vou  would  not  like  them  to  speak  to 
you." 

— Boston   Transcript. 

"Request  Gladly  Complied  With" 

Posted  in  a  women's  college  by  instructress  in  astronomy:  "Any 
one  wishing  to  look  at  Venus,  please  see  me." 

— Boston  Transcript. 
27 


sparks  of  Laughter 


Taking  the  Joy  Out  of  Life 

Sign  seen  on  Cliicago  Boulevard — "Autos  will  slow  down  to  a 
walk." 

Sign  in  London,  Ohio — "Drive  slow  and  see  our  town.  Drive 
fast  and  see  our  jail." 

— Boston   Transcript, 

Probably ! 

"I  got  my  start  in  life  in  a  grocery  at  three  dollars  a  week, 
and  yet  I  managed  to  save,"  announced  the  candidate. 

Whereupon  a  voice  from  the  audience  queried,  "Was  that 
before  the  invention  of  cash  registers?" 

— NeTD  York  Times. 

A  Keen  Interpreter 

"So  she  refused  you?" 

"That's  the  impression  I  received." 

"Didn't  she  actually  say  no?" 

"No,  she  didn't.     All  she  said  was  'Ha-ha-ha!'" 

— San  Francisco   Chronicle. 

He'll  Make  His  Way 

The  scion  of  the  family  had  acted  so  badly  that  punishment  of 
some  sort  was  necessary. 

"Ernest,"  commanded  his  n:other,  "find  a  switch  and  bring  it  to 
me." 

Shortly  afterward  the  bright  young  man  returned. 

"I  couldn't  find  a  switch,  mamma,"  he  reported,  "but  here's  a 
stone  that  you  can  throw  at  me." 

— American  Legion  Weefcly. 

Neighborly  Amenities 

They  were  not  exactly  the  friendliest  of  neighbors,  and  one  day 
the  following  note  came  from  Jones  to  Smith: 

"Mr.  Jones  presents  his  compliments  to  Mr.  Smith  and  asks  will 
he  kindly  shoot  his  dog  as  he  keeps  Mr.  Jones  and  his  family 
awake  ?" 

Whereupon  Smith  returned  the  following  note: 

"Mr.  Smith  presents  his  comipliments  to  Mr.  Jones  and  begs  to 
inform  the  latter  that  he  will  be  very  glad  to  shoot  his  dog  if 
Mr.  Jones  will  poison  his  daughter  and  burn  her  piano." 

—NeJ»  York  World. 
28 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


And  He  Left  Town  by  Airplane 

Descriptive  of  a  fair  young  bride,  the  editor  wrote:  "Her 
daintj'  feet  were  encased  in  shoes  that  might  be  taken  for  fairy 
boots."  It  appeared  in  print,  "Her  dirty  feet  were  encased  in 
shoes  that  might  be  taken  for  ferry  boats." 

— Am.  Insurance  Journal. 

Wave  the  Face,  Save  the  Fan 

Among  the  Japanese  economy  is  held  to  be  a  high  virtue.  Two 
elderly  misers  of  Tokyo  were  one  day  discussing  ways  and  means 
of  saving. 

"I  manage  to  make  a  fan  last  about  twenty  years,"  said  one, 
"and  this  is  my  sj^stcm :  I  don't  wastefully  open  the  whole  fan 
and  wave  it  carelessly.  I  open  only  one  section  at  a  time.  That  is 
good  for  about  one  year.  Then  I  open  the  next,  and  then  the  next, 
and  so  on  until  the  fan  is  eventually  used  up." 

"Twenty  years  for  a  good  fan !"  exclaimed  the  other.  "What 
sinful  extravagance!  In  my  family  we  use  a  fan  for  two  or  three 
generations,  and  this  is  how  we  do  it:  we  open  the  whole  fan,  but 
we  don't  wear  it  out  by  waving  it.  Oh,  no!  We  hold  it  still,  like 
this,  under  our  nose,  and  wave  our  face !" 

— South  African   Times. 

Called  Her  Daughter  "A  Dog" 

Daughter — Shall  I  take  an  umbrella  and  post  this  letter, 
mother? 

Mother — Stay  right  in  the  house.  This  night  is  not  fit  for  a 
dog  to  be  out.    Let  your  father  post  the  letter. 

— Success. 

Neat,  But  Cruel 

Here's  to  the  girls — the  young  ones! 

Not  too  young, 

For  the  good  die  young, 
And  nobody  wants  a  dead  one. 

Here's  to  the  girls — the  old  ones! 

Not  too  old, 

For  the  old  dye,  too — 
And  nobody  wants  a  dyed  one. 


— From  Detroit. 


29 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


The  Editor  Again 

Dan  Holland  loves  his  boj',  and  once  wrote  a  poem  dedicated 
to  his  small  son.     It  began  like  this: 

"My  son,  my  pigmy  counterpart." 

When  it  was  printed  Dan  sure  had  a  kick  coming.  The  printer 
got  all  the  letters  in,  but  it  read : 

"My  son,  my  pig,  my  counterpart." 

—  Vera,  Vera  Auld. 

A  Banker  Spanker 

A  j^oung  lady  whose  last  name  was  Banker, 
Fell  asleep  while  the  ship  was  at  anchor; 
She  awoke  in  dismay  v/hen  she  heard  the  mate  say, 
"Boys,  lift  up  the  top-sheet  and  spanker!" 

— Fly'mg  Aboul. 

The  Waiter's  Troubles 

The  genial  waiter  greeted  the  grouchy  patron  with  the  state- 
ment, "I  have  deviled  kidneys,  calves'  liver,  and  pig's  feet." 

"What  the  deuce  are  your  troubles  to  me?"  said  the  grouch. 
"I  came  here  to  eat." 

— Circulating, 

A  Fair  Settlement 

A  hungn^  traveler  put  his  head  out  of  a  car-window  as  his  train 
pulled  up  at  a  small  station,  and  said  to  a  boy: 

"Here,  bo}^,  take  this  dime  and  get  me  a  sandwich,  will  j^ou? 
And,  by  the  way,  here's  another  dime.  Get  a  sandwich  for  j'our- 
self,  too." 

The  boy  darted  away  and  returned,  munching  a  sandwich,  just 
as  the  train  was  starting  off.  He  ran  to  the  traveler,  handed  him 
a  dime,  and  said: 

"Here's  yer  dime  back,  boss.   They  only  had  one  sandwich  left." 

— Washinglon  Star. 

Who  Would  Be  An  Editor? 

According  to  the  Wichita  Eagle,  an  editor  in  a  near-by  town  has 
moved  his  press  over  against  the  door  and  is  having  his  meals  sent 
in  at  the  window  since  he  let  this  get  by  in  a  society  item:  "Mrs. 
Catt's  popularity  is  evidenced  by  her  mangy  friends  in  this  vicinity." 

— Kansas  Cit^  Star. 
30 


sparks  of  Laughter 


A  Charted  Duel 

Pat  and  Murphy  had  both  fallen  in  love  with  the  same  woman 

a"duel'  °ptr  ^'  ^^"^-^^'^-■^  ^-'^l  appeared  to  be  bTn^ans'of 
a  duel.  Pistols  were  agreed  upon— at  twenty  paces.  Murphv 
bemg  exceedingly  stout,  scented  an  unfair  advantage  in  favor  of 
his  very  lean  nval.     "Bedad,"  he  said,  "I'm  twice  S  big  a  ta  ge 

from  me ''     p"t^''  ''  T'  ^^  ''•'''  '''''  ^^^  '^^  as  he'l 
irom  me        Pats  second  saw  the  pomt  at  once.     "That's  thrue 

awaf'  I'll  T:t'       """^  there's  no  need  for  ye  to  move  furth^ 

hroocke     IT  A        T'^'ltK     ^"^'"S  ^  P^^^^  «^  -halk  from 
ms  pocket,  he  drew  two  chalk  Imes  down  the  stout  man's  coat 
leavmg  a  space  bet^veen  them.     "Now,"  he  said,  turning  to  h^ 
opponent    "fire  away,  ye  spalpeen,  and  remember  that  Ly  hi 
outside  the  chalk  lines  don't  count  as  hits." 

—Traveling  Twenty  Years  at  Least. 

Zigzag  Zigzagged  Zigzag 
T^T^^  police  court  isn't  all  grim  and   sordid,"   remarked    Tud^e 
White  the  other  day.    "Sometimes  something  really  funny  haoDens 

down'm^n.^^"'  ''°  '  ^'^"^^"^  "^^  ^^°" '^^  ^  after  "hirg'^n 

bejrioul^^^  "^"^^  ''''  '-'-''-^  '^  --^^ 

l^'Yes,  sir,"  replied  the  chauffeur. 

;|Then  why  didn't  you  zigzag  jour  car  and  miss  him?" 
He  was  zigzagging  himself  and  outguessed  me,  Your  Honor  " 
was  the  answer.  ' 

— Yon^ers  Statesman. 

Mother  Throws  Mean  Hammer 
Mother  and  father  were  sitting  in  the  resting  room  one  night 
when  little  Willie  suddenly  glanced  up  from  his  school  books.^ 

bay,  mamma,  he  exclaimed,  "the  teacher  was  talking  to  a  class 
about  evolution  or  something  like  that  to-day,  and  I  want  to  ask 
you  a  question.' 

jg  j'^^f '  '^^^'■'"  ^^P^'"^^  mother,  turning  to  the  youngster,  "what 

"I   want   to   know,    mamma,"   said    the   youngster,    "if   I    am 
descended  from  monkeys."  ,      n    x    am 

"I  don't  really  know,  Willie,"  answered  mother,  xvith  a  quiet 
little  smile.       I  never  saw  any  of  your  father's  people." 

— Philadelphia  Telegraph. 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


When  Willie's  Near  His  Creator 

It  was  evening  and  several  callers  were  chatting  in  the  parlor, 
when  a  patter  of  little  feet  was  heard  at  the  head  of  the  stairs. 
Mrs.  K.  raised  her  hand  for  silence.  "Hush,  the  children  are 
going  to  deliver  their  good  night  message,"  she  said  softly.  "It 
always  gives  me  a  feeling  of  reverence  to  hear  them.  They  are  so 
much  nearer  the  Creator  than  we  are,  and  they  speak  the  love  that 
is  in  their  little  hearts  never  so  fully  as  when  the  dark  has  come. 
Listen!"  There  was  a  moment  of  tense  silence.  Then — "Mama," 
came  the  message  in  a  shrill  whisper,  "Willie  found  a  bedbug." 

—Old  But  Good. 

They  Did!  Glory  Be! 

"My  dear,  you  mustn't  let  anybody  read  that  letter  from  cousin 
George  at  the  front.    I'm  surprised  that  he'd  write  such  things." 

"What's  the  matter  with  his  letter?     It's  mighty  interesting." 

"Some  parts  of  it  are,  but  his  confessions  of  his  disgraceful  con- 
duct are  dreadful.  I  wouldn't  for  the  world  have  any  one  know 
of  his  doings." 

"I  don't  get  you  at  all." 

"Didn't  you  read  that  part  of  his  letter  where  he  says  he  was 
out  with  a  British  tank  last  night,  and  they  rolled  all  over  the 
place?" 

— Detroit  Free  Prets. 

Do  You  Compulse  Yours? 

"You  sign  this  deed  of  your  own  free  will,  do  you,  madam?" 
asked  the  lawyer. 

"What  do  you  mean  by  that?"  demanded  the  large,  florid-faced 
woman,  looking  threateningly  upon  the  lawyer. 

"I  mean  there  has  been  no  compulsion  on  the  part  of  your 
husband.     Has  there?" 

"Him?"  she  ejaculated,  turning  to  look  at  the  little,  meek  man 
sitting  behind  her.    "Frederick?   I'd  like  to  see  him  compulse  me." 

— Youth's  Companion. 

Doing  Her  Darndest 

Hattie:     Nubb's  bride  worships  him,  doesn't  she? 

Mattie:     Well,  she  places  burnt  offerings  before  him   three 

times  a  day. 

—Life. 
32 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


In  Your  Ain  Toon,  Noo? 

A  Londoner  in  Scotland  had  need  of  legal  assistance.  He  went 
up  to  a  sensible-looking  man  in  the  street  and  began:  "Pardon  me, 
sir;  but  are  you  a  resident  of  this  town?" 

"Weel,"  was  the  cautious  reply,  "I've  leeved  here  a  matter  o' 
fifty  years." 

"Ah,  then,  perhaps,  you  can  help  me,"  went  on  the  visitor. 
"I'm  looking  for  a  criminal  lawyer.     Have  you  one  in  this  town?" 

The  Scotsman  dropped  his  voice  to  a  confidential  whisper  as  he 
answered : 

"We  has,  but  we  hinna  been  able  to  prove  it  against  him^yet. 
He's  ower  sharp." 

—Til-Biis. 

Ananias  First  Told  This 

A  bricklayer  was  laying  bricks  on  the  third  story  of  an  unfinished 
house,  and  unfortunately  dropped  a  brick  on  the  head  of  a  colored 
man  who  was  mixing  mortar  down  below. 

The  bricklayer,  his  heart  in  his  mouth,  craned  over  the  parapet. 
He  thought  he  had  killed  the  poor  colored  man.  But  the  latter 
looked  up  at  him  with  a  good-natured  and  forgiving  grin. 

"Hey!  what  you  doin',  white  man?"  he  shouted.  "You  made 
me  bite  mah  tongue!" 

— Washington  Star. 

Willing  to  Be  Reasonable 

A  woman  who  was  troubled  with  chronic  nightmare  and  who 
frequently  cried  out  in  her  sleep,  advertised  for  room  and  board 
"with  a  family  who  would  not  object  to  screaming  in  the  night." 
Among  the  answers  she  received  was  one  which  asked,  "How  often 
would  you  require  us  to  scream?" 

— Boston   Transcript. 

He  Couldn't,  Could  He? 

As  Softed  was  walking  down  the  street  one  morning  he  met  an 
Irish  friend  who  told  him  that  he  had  just  received  a  letter  saying 
that  his  sister  had  been  blessed  with  an  addition  to  the  family. 
"Boy  or  girl?"  asked  Softed. 

"That's  just  phwat  is  bothering  me,"  was  the  reply.  "Bedad, 
they  don't  say  in  the  letter,  and  now  I  don't  know  whether  I'm  an 
uncle  or  an  aunt." 

— Chicago  Nevfs. 
33 


sparks  of  Laughter 


Our  George's  Real  Status 

"Who  was  George  Washington,  Nellie?"  asked  the  teacher  of  a 
little  girl  in  the  primary  department. 

"He  was  Mrs.  Washington's  second  husband,"  was  the  unex- 
pected reply. 

— American  Bo}f. 

Her  Retort 

Central,  who  tried  to  get  the  number  for  him,  appeared  to  be 
inexperienced  or  asleep.  Ordinarily  the  most  patient  of  men,  he 
finally  lost  his  patience. 

"Lx>ok  here,"  he  shouted,  "either  get  me  1234  or  give  me  some 
place  where  I  may  at  least  talk  to  my  intellectual  equal." 

Silence  for  a  moment,  and  then  over  the  wire  came  a  loud 
"Hello!"  in  a  man's  voice. 

Mr.  Brownlow  was  much  relieved. 

"What  place  is  that?"  he  asked. 

"The  hospital  for  the  insane,"  came  the  answer. 

— Liverpool  Mercury. 

Anatomy  in  England 

At  a  high  school  examination  in  England  the  following  definition 
was  given  to  anatomy:  Anatomy, is  the  human  body,  which  con- 
sists of  three  parts — the  head,  the  chist  and  the  stummick.  The 
head  contains  the  eyes  and  brains,  if  any;  the  chist  contains  the 
lungs  and  a  piece  of  liver;  the  stummick  is  devoted  to  the  bowels, 
of  which  there  are  five — a,  e,  i,  o,  u,  and  sometimes  w  and  y. 

—Push. 

A  Trifle  Extra,  Pat 

The  photographer's  clerk  was  very  preoccupied  in  showing  some 
samples  of  work  to  prospective  sitters  when  Patrick  Maloney 
stalked  into  the  studio  and  intimated  that  he  would  like  to  know 
what  the  pictures  were  worth. 

"Like  that,  five  shillings  a  dozen,"  said  the  girl,  handing  him 
one. 

Pat  gazed  long  and  earnestly  at  the  photograph  of  a  very  small 
baby  sitting  in  a  wash  basin. 

"Shu re,  now,"  Pat  shyly  asked,  "phwat  would  it  cost  wid  me 

clothes  on?" 

— Clobetrotler. 

34 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


Should  Think  He  Couldn't! 

In  a  crowded  omnibus  a  stout  lady  vainly  endeavored  to  get  her 
fare  out  of  the  pocket  of  her  cloak,  which  was  tightly  buttoned  as  a 
protection  to  pickpockets.  After  she  had  been  trying  without  effect 
for  some  minutes,  a  gentleman  seated  on  her  right  said : 

"Please  allow  me  to  pay  your  fare." 

The  lady  declined  with  some  anger,  and  renewed  her  attacks  on 
the  pocket.    After  some  little  time  the  gentleman  again  said : 

"You  really  must  let  me  pay  your  fare.  You  have  already  unbut- 
toned my  suspenders  three  times  and  I  can't  stand  it  any  longer." 

— Medical  Insurance. 

"A  Little  Lower  Than  the  Angels" 

Private  Smithers,  after  having  been  nursed  back  to  health  in  an 
army  hospital  where  he  had  been  suffering  from  shell  shock, 
expressed  his  gratitude  to  his  nurse  in  this  way: 

"Thank  }'ou  very  much,  ma'am,  for  your  kindness.  I  shan't 
never  forget  it.     If  there  ever  was  a  fallen  angel,  you're  one." 

— The  Home  Sector. 

Preposterous ! 

Bud:  Say,  if  I  invite  a  girl  to  the  theatre,  send  her  flowers 
to  wear,  take  her  down  in  a  taxi,  and  treat  her  to  a  supper  after 
the  play,  should  I  kiss  her  good-night? 

Gob:     Damn  it! — NO!    You've  done  enough  for  her! 

— On  Every  Tongue. 

Strictly  on  Approval 

"Shall  I  bring  you  some  dinner?"  asked  the  steward  of  the  ship. 

"Yes,  you  may  bring  me  one  on  approval,"  replied  the  passenger 

as  he  gazed  over  the  bounding  deep.   "I  may  not  want  to  keep  it." 

— Around. 
Licked  Instead  of  Licking 

Shoeless,  he  climbed  the  stairs,  opened  the  door  of  the  room, 
entered,  and  closed  it  after  him  without  being  detected.  Just  as 
he  was  about  to  get  into  bed  his  wife,  half-aroused  from  slumber, 
turned  and  sleepily  said:  "Is  that  you,  Fido?"  The  husband 
telling  the  rest  of  the  story,  said:  "For  once  in  my  life  I  had  real 
presence  of  mind.     I  licked  her  hand." 

— Many  Tongues. 
35 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


"Eyes  Front!" 

"All  right  back  there?"  bawled  the  conductor. 

"Hoi'  on,  hoi'  on,"  shrilled  a  feminine  voice.  "Jes  wait  till  I 
gets  mah  clothes  on." 

And  then,  as  the  entire  earful  craned  their  necks  expectantly, 
she  entered  with  a  basket  of  laundry. 

— Around  the  Counir}). 

Kissing  an  Adder 

Things  were  slack  in  the  office,  as  the  manager  was  on  a  holi- 
day. The  chief  clerk,  therefore,  thought  it  was  his  chance  of 
wooing  the  stenographer. 

"Just  one  kiss,"  he  begged  fervently. 

"Certainly  not!"  replied  the  girl  coldly.  "I'd  as  soon  kiss  a 
snake  as  you!" 

"That's  all  right,  then,"  said  the  man  calmly.  "I  saw  you  kiss 
a  snake  yesterday." 

"W-w-what!" 

"Yes,  you  kissed  the  bookkeeper,  and  he's  an  adder,  you  know." 

— AnsTvers. 

The  Jolly  Pedagogue 

The  typical  college  professor  no  doubt  is,  as  he  is  credited  with 
being,  highly  pedagogical.  But  also,  to  his  praise  be  it  said,  nine 
times  out  of  ten  he  has  a  sense  of  humor  which  makes  him  love  a 
joke  just  as  much  as  his  unpedagogical  brethren. 

One  such  jocular  pedagogue  was  one  day  asked  by  a  student  if 
he  would  like  a  good  recipe  for  catching  rabbits. 

"Why,  yes,"  replied  the  professor.     "What  is  it?" 

"Well,  you  crouch  down  behind  a  stone  wall  and  make  a  noise 
like  a  turnip." 

"That  may  be,"  responded  the  professor  with  a  twinkle  in  his 
eyes,  "but  a  better  way  than  that  would  be  for  you  to  go  and  sit 
quietly  in  a  bed  of  cabbage  heads  and  look  natural." 

— Author  Murdered. 

A  Cannibalistic  Lily 

Lady   (to  colored  servant) — I've  told  you  several  times,  Lily, 
to  put  your  hand  over  your  mouth  when  j'ou  yawn. 
Lily — Yas'm,  but  I  got  bit  the  last  time  I  tried  it. 

— Ancient, 
36 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


The  King's  Sausages 

The  story  of  the  rival  bootmakers,  which  appeared  recently,  is 
matched  by  a  correspondent  of  an  English  paper  with  another  story, 
equally  old  but  equally  worth  repeating.  It  concerns  two  rival 
sausage-makers.  Again,  they  lived  on  opposite  sides  of  a  certain 
street,  and,  one  day,  one  of  them  placed  over  his  shop  the  legend: 

"We  sell  sausages  to  the  gentry  and  nobility  of  the  country." 

The  next  day,  over  the  way,  appeared  the  sign: 

"We  sell  sausages  to  the  gentry  and  nobility  of  the  whole 
country." 

Not  to  be  outdone,  the  rival  put  up  what  he  evidently  regarded 
as  a  final  statement,  namely: 

"We  sell  sausages  to  the  King." 

Next  day  there  appeared  over  the  door  of  the  first  sausage- 
maker  the  simple  expression  of  loyalty: 

"God  save  the  King." 

— Chrhtian  Science  Monitor. 

"Shortest  Way  Home"  ^""^ 

Patsy:    ,Mom,  won't  yer  gimme  candy,  now? 
Mrs.  Casey:     Didn't  Oi  tell  ye  Oi  wouldn'  give  ye  anny  at 
all  if  ye  didn't  kape  still? 

"Yes'm,  but " 

"Well,  the  longer  ye  kape  still  the  sooner  j^e'll  get  it." 

— Michigan  Gargoyle. 

Human  Tapeline 

"Golly,  but  I'se  tiuh'd,"  sighed  Eph  Johnson's  oldest. 

"What  you-all  been  a-doin'?"  asked  his  pal  'Rasmus. 

"Well,  you  see,"  explained  young  Eph,  "Paw's  settin'  fence 
posts,  and  I'm  just  five  feet  tall.  So  I'se  been  a-lyin'  down  and 
a-gettin'  up  all  around  his  ten-acre  field,  so's  he  kin  measure  posts 
ten  feet  apart." 

— Country  Gentleman. 

Everybody ! 

The  old  lady  in  the  confectionery  store  was  growing  impatient 
at  the  lack  of  service.  Finally  she  rapped  sharply  on  the  counter. 
"Here,  }'oung  lady,"  she  called,  "who  waits  on  the  nuts?" 

—Push. 
37 


sparks  of  Laughter 


Slighting  the  Judge 

Two  lawyers  before  a  probate  judge  recently  got  into  a  wrangle. 
At  last  one  of  the  disputants,  losing  control  over  his  emotions, 
exclaimed  to  his  opponent: 

"Sir,  you  are,  I  think,  the  biggest  ass  that  I  ever  had  the  mis- 
fortune to  set  eyes  upon." 

"Order!  Order!"  said  the  judge,  gravely.  "You  seem  to 
forget  that  I  am  in  the  room." 

— An  Old  Traveler. 

Their  Turn  in  Hell 

A  captain  in  the  merchant  marine  who  received  much  com- 
mendation for  his  wonderful  courage  and  endurance  during  the 
war  was  asked  to  address  a  meeting  in  the  West.  Ex-President 
Taft  spoke  first  and  at  considerable  length,  and  when  he  had 
finished  the  audience  rose,  almost  to  a  man,  to  leave  the  building. 
The  chairman  sprang  to  his  feet,  rushed  to  the  edge  of  the  plat- 
form, and  called  excitedly:  "Come  back  and  take  your  seats. 
Come  back,  every  one  of  you !  This  man  went  through  hell  for  us 
during  the  war,  and  it  is  up  to  us  now  to  do  the  same  for  him." 

—Chrlsllan  Register. 

Cannon  Fodder 

Uncle  Joe  Cannon  is  a  great  lover  of  green  corn.  One  day  he 
took  one  of  his  Illinois  farmer  constituents  to  dinner  with  him  in 
Washington.  Cannon  made  his  dinner  on  green  corn,  eating  seven 
ears.  The  farmer  asked  him  how  much  board  cost  at  the  Willard. 
Cannon  replied:     "Six  dollars  a  day." 

"Well,  Joe,"  said  the  .farmer  constituent,  "don't  you  think  it 
would  be  cheaper  for  you  to  board  at  a  livery  stable?" 

— Ubiquitous, 

Hot  Coffee — Promise  or  Threat? 

They  had  plighted  their  troth,  and  were  talking  things  over. 
They  both  decided  to  be  quite  unlike  other  married  couples — for- 
bearing and  long-suffering  and  patient  with  each  other. 

"No!"  said  the  man.  "I  shall  not  be  like  other  husbands  who 
get  cross  and  bang  things  about  if  the  coffee  is  cold !" 

"If  you  ever  did,"  said  the  girl  sweetly,  "I  would  make  it  hot 
for  you!" 

And  the  man  wondered  what  she  meant. 

— Pittsburgh  Chronicle-  Telegraph. 
38 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


"Empty  is  the  Cradle— Baby's  Gone" 

Hubby  had  been  celebrating,  and  arrived  home  in  the  small 
hours  feeling  rather  dubious  of  his  reception. 

Absolute  stillness  reigned,  however,  and  with  a  load  off  his 
mind  he  hurried  shoeless  to  the  cradle  and  commenced  rocking  it 
energetically  with  the  air  of  a  man  who  had  been  at  his  post 
for  hours. 

"What  are  you  doing  there,  James?"  queried  his  strong-minded 
spouse,  awakened. 

"I've  been  sitting  here  nearly  two  hours  trying  to  get  baby  to 
sleep!"  he  growled  in  return. 

"That's  strange,"  remarked  his  wife.  "Baby  is  here  in  bed 
with  me." 

— Ans'D)eTs, 

What's  Your  Fee? 

In  a  confidential  little  talk  to  a  group  of  medical  students  an 
eminent  physician  took  up  the  extremely  important  matter  of 
correct  diagnosis  of  the  maximum  fee. 

"The  best  rewards,"  he  said,  "come,  of  course,  to  the  established 
specialist.  For  instance,  I  charge  $25  a  call  at  the  residence,  $10 
for  an  office  consultation,  and  $5  for  a  telephone  consultation." 

There  was  an  appreciative  and  envious  silence,  and  then  a  voice 
from  the  back  of  the  amphitheatre,  slightly  thickened,  spoke: 

"Doc,"  it  asked,  "how  much  do  you  charge  a  fellow  for  passing 
you  on  the  street?" 

— Chicago  Journal. 

"We  Pause  for  a  Reply!" 

A  London  temperance  orator  was  in  the  habit  of  holding  forth 
in  a  workman's  hall,  and  was  constantly  being  interrupted. 

The  next  time  he  lectured  in  that  hall  he  engaged  a  prize- 
fighter to  sit  in  the  gallery  and  keep  order.  He  was  contrasting 
the  clean  content  of  home  life  with  the  squalor  of  drunkenness. 

"What  do  we  want  when  we  return  from  our  daily  toil?"  he 
asked.  "What  do  we  desire  to  ease  our  burdens,  to  gladden  our 
hearts,  to  bring  smiles  to  our  lips  and  joy  to  our  eyes?" 

As  the  orator  paused  for  breath  the  prize-fighter  shook  his  fist 
at  the  unruly  members  of  the  gallery  and  whispered  in  a  loud 
undertone : 

"Mind  yer,  the  first  bloke  what  says  'beer,'  out  he  goes!" 

— Everybody's. 
39 


sparks  of  Laughter 


"My  Daughter,  O  My  Daughter!" 

(From  the  Indianapolis  Star) 

ROOM  AND  BOARD— Modern,  home  privi- 
leges; gentleman  preferred.  Daughter  wishes  con- 
genial room  mate.     Woodruff . 

— Conning  Tower,  N.  Y.  Tribune, 

At  Least  as  Deadly  as  the  Male 

A  foppish  young  man  who  could  only  find  a  seat  next  to  a  fish- 
wife, in  a  north  of  Scotland  smoking  carriage,  expressed  his  dis- 
gust by  many  disdainful  glances.    At  length  the  woman  remarked : 

"I'll  bet  ye,  my  manny,  you  an'  me's  baith  thinking  the  same 
thing." 

"What  is  that,  woman?"  demanded  the  youth  haughtily. 

"You  are  wishing  you  was  sitting  next  a  gentleman  ?" 

"I  am,  indeed,"  replied  the  young  man. 

"So  am  I,"  the  fishwife  replied  calmly. 

— Pearson's  WeeJ^ly, 

Only  Wanted  to  "Yump" 

A  stalwart  Swede  stepped  into  a  corner  drug  store.  "I  bane 
sick,"  said  he  to  the  clerk.     "And  I  want  some  viskey." 

"Nothing  doing,"  answered  the  clerk.  "Don't  you  know  the 
country's  dry?  But,"  he  added,  "j^ou  might  be  able  to  get  some 
squirrel  whiskey  over  there  at  that  saloon," 

Across  the  street  the  big  Swede  made  known  his  v/ants. 

"Squirrel  whiskey,"  yelled  the  astonished  proprietor,  "we  don't 
have  such  a  thing,  but,"  in  a  whisper,  "I  can  fix  you  up  with  a 
little  'Old  Crow.'  "  The  Swede  shook  his  head,  "I  no  want  to 
fly,"  he  answered,  "I  yoost  want  to  yump  around  a  vhile." 

— A   Hundred  Publicalions, 

"That's  Where  My  Money  Goes" 

"Did  Fisher  have  a  good  time  on  his  little  outing?"  "Yes,  in- 
deed. I  only  saw  him  for  a  minute,  and  had  no  time  to  ask  any 
questions,  but  I  could  see  that  the  skin  was  peeling  off  from  his 
nose,  his  neck  was  so  sore  from  the  sunburns  that  he  could  not 
wear  a  collar,  his  hands  were  blistered  so  that  he  could  hardly  use 
them,  and  he  complained  that  he  had  rowed  the  boat  until  his 
arms  were  so  lame  that  he  couldn't  hold  a  pen.  Oh,  he  must  have 
had  a  magnificent  time!" 

— Exchange. 
40 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


As  Old  as  Eden 

A  Cambridge  undergraduate,  contrary  to  regulations,  was 
entertaining  his  sister,  when  they  heard  some  one  on  the  stairs. 
Hastily  hiding  his  sister  behind  a  curtain,  he  went  to  the  door  and 
confronted  an  aged  man  who  was  revisiting  the  scenes  of  his 
youth,  and  was  desirous  of  seeing  his  old  rooms. 

Obtaining  permission,  he  looked  round,  and  remarked,  "Ah, 
yes,  the  same  old  room."  Going  to  the  window,  he  said,  "The 
sam.e  old  view" ;  and  peeping  behind  the  curtain,  he  exclaimed, 
"The  same  old  game!" 

"My  sister,  sir,"  said  the  student. 

"Oh,  yes,"  said  the  visitor,  "the  sam.e  old  story!" 

— Tit-Bits  {London). 

Modern  Three-Ball  Service 

A  pawnbroker  in  a  small  town  was  awakened  in  the  middle  of 
the  night  by  a  furious  knocking  at  his  shop  door.  He  opened  his 
window  and  looked  out. 

"Wh-w-what's  the  matter?"  he  asked  breathlessly. 

"Come  down,"  demanded  the  stranger. 

"Who  are " 

"Come  down!"  interrupted  the  other. 

The  pawnbroker  hastened  downstairs  and  peeped  round  the 
door.     "Now,  sir,"  he  demanded. 

"I  wan'sh  to  know  the  time!"  said  the  bibulous  one. 

"You  blinking  idiot.  Do  you  mean  to  say  5'ou  woke  me  up  for 
that?     How  dare  you?" 

The  midnight  visitor  looked  injured. 

"Well,  you've  got  my  watch,"  he  explained. 

— Pittsburgh   Chronicle-  Telegraph. 

Patriot's  Plea  for  Patronage 

"Good  advertising,"  saj^s  a  man  well  up  in  that  line,  "benefits 
any  form  of  business.  The  right  sort  of  advertising  gives  you  a 
friendly  feeling  toward  a  firm.  It  makes  you  believe  that  it  will 
be  both  pleasant  and  profitable  to  deal  with  the  advertiser.  A 
certain  grocer  once  inserted  in  the  newspapers  an  advertisement 
that  had  this  merit.     It  ran : 

"  'Twins  are  come  to  me  for  the  third  time.  This  time  a  boy 
and  a  girl.     I  beseech  my  friends  to  support  me  stoutly.'  " 

— Pittsburgh  Chronicle-  Telegraph. 
41 


sparks  of  Laughter 


Idealization  of  Nature 

This  is  a  true  story  of  an  adventure  of  two  lady  artists  in  sunny 
Spain. 

They  were  walking,  and  arrived  at  a  little  country  inn,  hot, 
dusty  and  thirsty.  They  couldn't  talk  Spanish,  but  wanted  some 
milk  badly,  so  one  of  them  drew  a  most  beautiful  high-arty  cow, 
while  the  other  jingled  some  coins. 

The  Spaniards  looked,  and  a  boy  was  sent  off  post-haste.  N 

In  half  an  hour  the  boy  returned,  hot  and  triumphant — with  "^ 

two  tickets  for  a  bullfight. 

— Torvn  Topics  (London). 

Crows  Crow  Over  Scarecrow 

The  bucolic  one  had  been  asked  his  opinion  of  scarecrows. 

"No  good  at  all,"  he  grunted — "leastways,  against  the  crows  in 
this  district!  Only  last  year  we  put  up  what  we  thought  was  a 
fine  scarecrow — a  man  pointing  a  gun." 

"Well,  what  happened?" 

"Why,  all  the  crows  in  the  world  seemed  to  be  feeding  in  that 
field,  and  whilst  one  crow  perched  on  the  gun  and  worked  the 
trigger,  another  was  falling  down,  pretending  to  be  shot." 

— Answers  {London). 

Very  Far  Wrong? 

She  was  a  little  maid  of  ten  years,  flitting  butterfly-like  through 
the  National  Gallery.  For  some  seconds  she  had  stood,  however, 
gazing  at  a  picture  by  Nicolas  Poussin,  thus  described  in  the  cata- 
logue: "Centre,  nymphs  and  fauns  dancing;  right,  a  satyr  em- 
bracing a  nymph;  left,  two  infant  bacchanals,  one  raising  a  bowl," 
etc.  Suddenly  she  caught  sight  of  the  first  words  on  the  frame, 
and,  turning  to  her  mother,  exclaimed:  "Mummie!  Do  look! 
Isn't  this  funny?     It's  a  French  School!" 

— London  Morning  Post. 

Aarons'  Perfect  Fire 

Aarons  had  had  a  beautiful  fire,  a  perfect  fire.  Curtains,  hung 
ostensibly  to  keep  dust  from  the  shelves,  had  served  to  carry  the 
flames  right  round  the  warehouse.  Into  the  blackened  shop  stepped 
Umpstein,  full  of  condolences.  "A  bad  job,  Aarons,  mein  friend," 
he  said — "a  bad  job."  "Bad  job!"  ejaculated  Aarons.  "See  here, 
how  vould  you  improve  on  it?" 

— Bulletin  (Sidney). 

42 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


Some  Must  Kill,  Some  Must  Mop 

Mr.  Bacon — I  see  that  the  Bedouin  marriage  does  not  take 
much  time.  It  is  said  that  the  bridegroom  cuts  the  throat  of  a 
sheep  and  spills  the  blood  on  his  father-in-law's  threshold,  and  it  is 
all  over. 

Mrs.  Bacox — No,  it  is  not,  either.  Don't  jou  forget  that 
somebody's  got  to  clean  up  the  mess,  and  I  suppose,  of  course,  it's 
the  poor  bride. 

— YonlieTi  Statesman. 

And  the  Banker  Climbed  Down 

A  New  York  silk  merchant  went  to  the  bank  to  get  his  note 
renewed. 

"I  am  sorry,"  said  the  banker,  "but  it  will  be  absolutely  impos- 
sible for  me  to  renew  your  note." 

The  silk  merchant's  face  paled.  After  a  moment  of  thought  he 
looked  up  at  the  banker  and  said : 

"Were  you  ever  in  the  silk  business?" 

"Why,  of  course  not,"  answered  the  banker. 

"Well,  you're  in  it  now,"  said  the  silk  merchant  as  he  picked  up 
his  hat  and  started  toward  the  door.    The  banker  called  him  back. 

— Cincinnati  Enquirer. 

If  You  Are  a  Toastmaster 

An  author  who  has  helped  to  make  a  portion  of  New  England 
fam.ous  presided  at  a  banquet  in  a  suburban  town  some  nights 
ago.  He  had  fittingly  eulogized  the  principal  guest  of  the  even- 
ing, and  in  conclusion  told  this  story : 

"An  old  farmer  drove  into  town  one  day,  and,  going  into  a  feed 
store,  bought  half  a  peck  of  oats.  Stabling  his  horse  by  the  side 
of  the  road,  he  gave  him  a  royal  lunch.  When  it  was  ended  the 
farmer  hitched  up,  got  into  the  buggy,  took  up  the  lines  and 
addressed  the  nag,  'Now  that  you've  been  fed,  g[t  up!'  " 

The  toastmaster  turned  and  looked  at  the  guest  for  a  moment, 
and  sat  down. 

— Saturday  Evening  Post. 

Oh.  Yes— They  Do  It 

Sociology    Professor    (to   student):      Mr.    H ,    I   can't 

blame  you  for  looking  at  your  watch  while  I'm  lecturing,  but  I  do 
object  to  your  holding  it  to  your  ear  to  make  sure  it  hasn't  stopped. 

— Chicago  Tribune. 
43 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


A  Pal  of  Bob's 

The  census-taker  had  asked  many  questions  and  Mike  was  tired 
of  answering  them. 

"And  what  is  your  religious  belief?"  the  suave  census  man 
continued. 

"God  forgive  me,  but  I'm  an  atheist,"  said  Mike. 

— Everybody's. 

More  Manners  Than  Man  Has 

"Madam,"  said  a  man  standing  in  the  street  car,  "why  do  you 
persist  in  punching  me  with  yoi^r  umbrella?" 

"I  want  to  make  you  look  around  so  I  can  thank  you  for  giving 
me  your  seat.  Now,  sir,  don't  go  off  and  say  that  women  haven't 
any  manners." 

— Boston  Transcripl. 

Must  Meet  Him  in  Heaven 

"Did  you  hear  about  Blick  proposing  again  to  his  divorced 
wife?" 

"No;  what  did  she  say?" 

"Said  she  couldn't  think  of  marrying  a  man  whose  first  wife 
was  still  living." 

— Boston  Transcript. 

Fight  It  Out ! 

The  Irish  lad  and  the  Yiddish  boy  were  engaged  in  verbal  com- 
bat.   Finally  the  subject  came  down  to  their  respective  churches. 

"I  guess  I  know  that  Father  Harrity  knows  more  than  your 
Rabbi,"  the  little  Irish  boy  insisted. 

"Shure,  he  does;  vy  not?"  replied  the  Jewish  boy.  "You  tell 
him  everything." 

— Boxing  Blade. 

Why  Not? 

New  Floorwalker  (after  being  called  down) :  You  know  I'm 
very  new  on  the  job. 

Superintendent:  But  please  remember  that  our  executive 
and  advertising  offices  are  in  the  rear  of  the  store;  and  when  a 
man  wants  to  know  where  the  publicity  department  is,  don't  send 
him  to  the  ladies'  hosiery  counter. 

— Cartoons, 
44 


sparks  of  Laughter 


Blessed  Are  the  Peacemakers 

Commenting  on  the  statement  of  a  London  suffragist  that  "only 
women  can  keep  men  out  of  war,"  Colonel  George  Bailey  says: 

"Of  course.  All  nature  proves  that.  Let  two  roosters  occupy 
a  lot  and  they  will  be  friendly.  Let  one  little  brown  hen  fly  over, 
and  the  fight  is  on." 

— Atlanta  Constitution. 

He  Got  It 

A  convict  in  the  Kansas  penitentiary  has  asked  the  Governor  for 
a  pardon  on  the  plea  that  he  fears  he  will  corrupt  his  fellow 
inmates.  He  finds,  he  says,  from  what  the  others  say,  that  he  is 
the  only  guilty  man  behind  the  bars. 

— Nem   Yor}^  Morning  Telegraph. 

Using  the  Movie  Strutter 

"How  didja  get  yore  kids  to  take  them  deep-breathin'  exercises 
their  teacher  was  tellin'  me  about?"  inquired  Mrs.  Jeter  of  her 
better  or  worser. 

"Got  'em  to  actin'  like  they  was  leadin'  men  in  a  pitcher  show," 
answered  Clem. 

— Barber  County  {Kan.)  Index, 

A  Gilded  Topnotcher! 

"Dr.  Fillers  seems  to  be  a  fashionable  physician." 
"I  should  say  so!    He  has  patients  at  some  of  the  most  expensive 
health  resorts  in  America  and  a  waiting  list  of  people  whose  health 
will  give  way  as  soon  as  they  get  money  enough  to  consult  him." 

— Birmingham  Age-Herald. 

"Honor  Thy  Father,"  etc. 

The  following  recently  appeared  in  a  Chicago  newspaper's 
advertising  columns: 

"If  Wilbur  Blank,  who  deserted  his  wife  and  babe  twenty  years 
ago,  will  return,  said  babe  will  knock  his  block  off." 

— American  Legion   Weekly. 

And  Seeing  Was  Believing 

Affable  Clergyman,  in  street  car,  to  little  boy:    Who's  got 
nice,  round  chubby  legs? 
Little  Boy:    Mummy! 

— Bystander  {London). 
45 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


But  Leave  the  Squeal 

Sign  on  a  Western  farm:  "Hunters,  Take  Notice:  Hunt  all 
you  durn  please  and  when  you  hear  the  horn  blow  come  to  the 
house  for  dinner.  If  the  quail  are  scarce  kill  a  chicken  or  two, 
and  if  you  can't  get  any  squirrels,  kill  a  hog." 

— San  Francisco  Chronicle. 

Nor  Hair  Grower  If  Bald 

Lady  (at  fruit  stand)  :  Yes,  but  aren't  these  gooseberries  rather 
dirty? 

Merchant  (sarcastically):  Dirty!  Think  a  bloke  can  wash 
'em  and  part  their  'air  in  the  middle  for  fourpence  a  pound  these 
'ard  times? 

— Bulletin   (5j)JneJ)). 

Chicago's  Harsh  Justice 

Chicago  Judge:  So  you  murdered  your  whole  family,  eh? 
Thirty  days. 

Prisoner:  Don't  be  so  hard  on  me,  your  honor.  It  was  just 
a  small  family. 

— Nashville  Tennesiean. 

Financial  Economists 

The  Married  Man  (to  friend)  :  I  tell  you  this  in  all. frank- 
ness. My  wife  and  I  have  calculated  we  can  save  at  least  one 
hundred  dollars  a  month  by  not  insisting  that  our  friends  stay 
to  dinner. 

— L'llluitration  {Paris). 

Who  Wouldn't? 

"Hasn't  Boobs  any  rights  whatsoever  around  his  own  house? 
He  is  the  most  henpecked  man  I  ever  saw." 

"Well,  he  does  appear  a  little  rough  when  he  is  feeding  the  gold 

fish." 

— Florida  Times-Union, 

"This  Brave  Knight,  in  Armor  Bright" 

"Oh,  Estelle,  wouldn't  you  like  to  have  been  made  love  to  by 
an  old-time  knight?" 

"Nix  on  that,  kiddo — sitting  on  an  iron  knee  never  appealed  to 

me." 

— Florida  Times-Union. 
46 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


A  Godly  Bricklayer 

Bricklayer:  'Op  it — we  can't  'ave  you  a-blowin'  that  trumpet 
round  'ere. 

Boy  Scout:    Why? 

Bricklayer:  'Tain't  safe — you  know  wot  'appened  to  the 
walls  of  Jericho,  don't  yer? 

— Tit-Bits  {London). 

A  Lower  Optimist 

Peter  Lower  was  digging  away  at  the  weeds  in  his  potato  patch. 

"Makes  it  harder  to  have  the  weeds  so  thick,  don't  it?" 
remarked  Lem  Beebe,  leaning  over  the  fence. 

"Nope;  easier,"  declared  Pete;  "you  don't  have  to  walk  so  far 
to  the  next  weed." 

— Everjfbodya. 

Rogues'  Roguish  Repartee 

There  were  two  convicts,  one  in  for  stealing  a  watch,  the  other 
for  stealing  a  cow.  They  disliked  each  other,  and  their  conversa- 
tion was  full  of  innuendo. 

Thus  the  man  who  had  stolen  the  cow  said  to  the  man  who 
had  stolen  the  watch: 

"Jim,  what  time  is  it?" 

"Milking  time,  Joe." 

— Cottonyarns. 

No  Soul  to  Lose 

"Say,  Sam,  why  do  you-all  carry  that  parrot  around  with  you 
on  the  wagon?" 

"Well,  yo'  see,  boss,  I'se  a  membah  of  the  chu-ch,  but  de  mule 
ain't,  so  I  hauls  the  pa'ot  to  fu-nish  the  cussin'  fo'  de  mule." 

Quite  Human 

A  negro  registrant  from  a  farming  district  was  called  to  serv- 
ice. Arriving  in  town,  he  found  the  local  board  had  moved  to 
another  street.  At  the  new  address  another  negro  languished  in 
the  doorway. 

"Is  dis  whar  de  redemtion  bo'd  is  at?"  queried  the  newcomer. 
"Sho'  is,"  answered  the  second.     "But  de  blessed  redeemer  done 
gone  out  fo'  lunch." 

— American  Legion  Wee}(ly. 
47 


sparks  of  Laughter 


"While  the  Going's  Good" 

Conductor  (new  to  the  job)  :    I'm  sure  the  old  boy  just  here 
has  paid  his  fare  twice.     Think  I  had  better  tell  him  about  it? 
MoTORMAN :     No-o !    Ask  him  for  it  again. 

— Bulletin  (S^dne})). 

Sure,  Joe ! 

From  the  "Want"  columns  of  an  Oregon  paper: 
Stoled  or  Rund  Avay — Been  loose  him  bout  two  tree  veeks 
now,  hees  almost  black  and  white  dog  him  tail  cut  off  pritty  close 
to  my  body.     If  somebotty  find  her,  keep  it,  i  belong  to  him. 

— Joe  Bored  earn-,  in  San  Francisco  Chronicle. 

A  Decorated  Abdomen 

A  well-known  admiral — a  stickler  for  uniform — stopped  oppo- 
site a  very  portly  sailor  whose  medal-ribbon  was  an  inch  or  so  too 
low  down.  Fixing  the  man  with  his  eye,  the  admiral  asked:  "Did 
you  get  that  medal  for  eating,  my  man?" 

On  the  man  replying  "No,  sir,"  the  admiral  rapped  out:  "Then 
why  the  deuce  do  you  wear  it  on  your  stomach?" 

— Til-Bits  {London). 

Perhaps  They  Did 

"Of  course,"  observed  the  superior  person,  "the  homage  paid  to 
the  Unknown  Soldier  is  a  good  idea,  but  it  would  have  been  better 
to  grant  a  pension  to  his  poor  old  mother." 

— Carnival  {Barcelona). 

Uhuh? 

Mother:  I've  tried  so  hard  to  make  you  a  good  child,  Mar- 
garet, and  yet  in  spite  of  all  my  efforts  you  are  still  rude  and 
naughty. 

Margaret  (deeply  moved)  :    What  a  failure  j^ou  are,  mother. 

— London   V/eelil^   Telegraph. 

Prophylactic  Rivalry 

Recently  a  lady  dentist  was  trying  to  impress  upon  a  group  of 
mothers  the  necessity  of  making  the  children  clean  their  teeth. 
"Oh!  I  don't  'ave  to  tell  my  Rose  and  D'isy!"  declared  one  good 
lady.     "It's  a  fight  between  'em  which  shall  'ave  the  tooth-brush 

fust." 

— London  Opinion. 

48 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


Ab-so-lute-ly  Hopeless 

Breathless  Visitor:    Doctor,  can  you  help  me?    My  name  is 

Jones 

Doctor:    No,  I'm  sorry;  I  simply  can't  do  anything  for  that. 

— Bulletin   (5ijJne\;). 

Hellbent! 

After  a  sermon  by  an  old  colored  preacher,  one  of  the  brethren 

said  to  him: 

"Br'er  Jenkins,  how  fur  off,  you  reckon,  hell  is?" 
"How  old  is  you,  Br'er  Thomas?"  asked  the  preacher. 
"Well,  suh,  ef  I  don't  miss  my  kalkerlations  I  is  sixty-fo'." 
"Well,"  said  the  preacher,  "w'en  you  wuz  born  inter  dis  worl', 

hell  wuz  jes'  sixty-fo'  years  off,  an'  all  I  got  ter  say  is,  ef  you  ain't 

in  sight  er  it  now,  it  ain't  yo'  fault!" 

— Atlanta  Constitution. 

Devilish  Courage 

Two  little  boys  who  prided  themselves  on  their  courage  were 
sitting  over  the  nursery  fire  and  discussing  apparitions.  "But," 
said  one  very  confidentially,  "shouldn't  you  really  be  in  a  most 
awful  funk  if  you  did  see  a  ghost — a  most  evil-looking  one,  I 
mean?"  "Good  gracious,  no!"  was  the  boastful  reply.  "I  should 
just  say,  carelessly,  in  a  throaty  voice,  'Good  evening.  Devil, 
going  strong?  what?'  " 

— London  Morning  Post. 

Kitchen  Innards 

It  was  a  small  cafe  and  the  customer  overheard  this  from  the 
waiter : 

"Don't  throw  that  toast  into  the  alley,  chef.  I  gotta  customer 
for  a  club  sandwich." 

— Louisville  Courier-Journal. 

Those  Halcyon  Days 

The  June  groom  had  returned  to  work.  About  the  middle  of 
the  second  week  the  telephone  rang  as  usual,  and  the  stenographer 
said:  "Your  wife  wishes  to  talk  with  you,  Mr.  Green."  "Tell 
her  I'm  very  busy  now,"  he  replied,  "and  cannot  leave  to  come  to 
the  telephone,  but  be  sure  to  add  that  I  love  her  just  as  much  as 
ever." 

— Argonaut. 
49 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


Mose's  Mouthful 

Mose  Johnson  was  under  sentence  of  death  in  a  Kentucky  jail, 
and  as  the  fateful  day  drew  near  he  grew  very  nervous  about  it. 
His  keeper,  a  sympathetic  man,  suggested  that  Mose's  only  hope 
lay  in  an  appeal  to  the  governor.  As  Mose  could  not  write,  the 
keeper  offered  to  write  a  letter  from  dictation. 

Mose,  after  collecting  his  thoughts  very  earnestly  for  a  full  five 
minutes,  dictated  the  following: 

"Dear  Marse  Guv'nah:  1'hey's  fixin'  to  hang  me  come  this 
Friday,  and  here  it  am  Tuesday.     Mose  Johnson." 

— Eveiybodxf's. 

Taking  Her  Pick 

Jim  Peters  was  very  much  in  love  but  too  bashful  to  propose. 
Finally,  he  decided  to  pop  the  question  by  telephone. 

"Maggie,  I  love  you,"  he  breathed,  softly.  "Will  you  marry 
me?" 

There  was  a  moment's  hesitation  before  the  answer  came. 

"Of  course  I  will,  George.  Why  didn't  you  come  and  ask  me, 
you  simpleton?" 

And  Jim  yelled  back: 

"You'll  have  to  break  the  news  to  him  yourself.  I'll  be  darned 
if  I  will!" 

Lloyd  George's  Station 

The  new  guard  was  not  familiar  with  a  certain  railway  run  in 
Wales.  Came  a  station  which  rejoiced  in  the  name  Llanfairfech- 
anpwllgogerych.  For  a  few  minutes  he  stood  looking  at  the  sign- 
board in  mute  helplessness.  Then  pointing  to  the  board,  and 
waving  his  other  arm  toward  the  carriages,  he  called,  "If  there's 
anybody  there  for  here,  this  is  it!" 

— Christian  Register. 

Quick  and  the  Dead 

A  colored  man  in  Chattanooga,  Tenn.,  wrote  this  letter  to  a 
colored  man  in  Macon,  Ga. : 

"Dear  Sam:     Is  j^ou  dead  or  is  you  alive?    If  you  is  alive,  send 
me  that  ten  dollars  you  owes  me. — George." 
A  week  later  George  received  this  reply : 

"Dear  George:  I  is  dead,  and  that  ten  dollars  was  used  to  help 
buy  my  coffin. — Sam." 

— Cinctnnaii  Enquirer. 
50 


sparks  of  Laughter 


Blood  Thicker  Than  Garlic 

When  John  McCormack  was  singing  in  grand  opera,  as  Signer 
Foli,  some  years  ago,  he  had  on  one  occasion  to  sing  from  a  stage 
balcony  which  was  hardly  strong  enough  to  support  so  heavy  a 
man.  The  stage  manager  told  off  two  assistants  to  hold  it  up 
from  beneath,  but  before  Signor  Foli  was  more  than  half  through 
one  of  the  men  below  said,  "Be  jabers,  Moike,  the  Oitalian  is 
moighty  heavy!" 

"Let's  dhrop  him,  Pat;  he's  only  an  Oitalian,  after  all." 
Voice  of  Signor  Foli  above:    "Will  ye,  ye  divils,  will  ye?" 
"Tare  an'  'ounds,  Pat,  but  he's  an  Oirishman!     Hould  him  up 
for  the  loife  of  j'^ez !" 

— Boston  Transcript. 

A  Bolshevist  Applicant 

It  is  related  that  when  Judge  Benjamin  Toppan,  of  Ohio,  who 
died  in  the  early  '70's,  applied  for  admission  to  the  bar  of  that 
State  he  was  asked  just  two  questions:  "Mr.  Toppan,  what  is 
law?"  was  the  first  of  these. 

"An  unjust  distribution  of  justice,"  replied  the  applicant. 

"What  is  equity?"  was  the  second. 

"A  damned  imposition  upon  common  sense!" 

He  was  received  into  the  brotherhood  with  open  arms. 

— A^en>   Yorii  Evening  Post. 

Ha!  Hah!  Har!— He!  He!  He! 

Big  Man  in  Audience  (turning  round)  :  Can't  j^ou  see  any- 
thing? 

Little  Man  (pathetically)  :    Can't  see  a  streak  of  the  stage. 

Big  Man  (sarcastically)  :  Why,  then  I'll  tell  you  what  to  do. 
You  keep  your  eye  on  me  and  laugh  when  I  do. 

— Pearson's   Wee\l^    (London). 

Destiny's  Kid 

A  business  man  advertised  for  an  oflfice  boy.  The  next  morning 
tliere  were  som.e  fifty  boys  in  line.  He  was  about  to  begin  exam- 
ining the  applicants  when  his  stenographer  handed  him  a  card  on 
v/hich  was  scribbled : 

"Don't  do  anything  until  you  see  me.  I'm  the  last  kid  in  line, 
but  I'm  telling  you  I'm  there  with  the  goods." 

— Everybody's. 
51 


Spaj'ks  of  Laughter 


Knew  the  Ropes  and  Route 

The  Drunk:  Good  ol'  private  stock  from  muh  I'il  ol'  cellar. 
Whoopee!     Home,  James! 

The  Chauffeur:  That  wasn't  your  private  stock,  sir.  I 
saw  you  buy  it  from  a  bootlegger.    You've  forgotten,  sir. 

The  Drunk:    Aw  right.     Hospital,  James! 

The  Chauffeur:  And  it  was  a  strange  bootlegger — one  you 
didn't  know. 

The  Drunk:    Morgue,  James,  morgue! 

— Darrie  Payne,  in  Nashville  Tennesiean. 

"Don't  Gibe" 

Visitor:    I  would  like  to  get  you  to  teach  me  to  sail  a  boat. 

Boatman:  Sail  a  boat!  Why,  it's  easy  as  swimmin'.  Jest 
grasp  the  main  sheet  with  one  hand,  an'  the  tiller  with  the  other, 
an'  if  a  squall  strikes,  ease  up  or  bring  'er  to,  an'  loose  the  halyards, 
but  look  out  fer  the  gaff  an'  boom,  or  the  hull  thing'U  be  in  the 
water,  an'  ye'll  be  upset;  but  if  the  wind  is  steady  y'r  all  right, 
onless  y'r  too  slow  in  luffin',  'cause  then  ye'll  be  upset  sure.  Jump 
right  in  an'  try  it;  but,  remember,  whatever  ye  do,  don't  gibe! 

— Pearsons   lVee}(ly  {London). 

New  York's  Banditry  Fashion 

The  bandits  rushed  into  the  United  Cigar  store,  felled  the  clerks 
with  blackjacks  and  ransacked  the  place  leisurely. 

Then  they  leaned  against  the  counter  and  waited  for  the  clerks 
to  regain  consciousness.  Presently  the  head  clerk  regained  his 
senses  ...  he  peered  up  at  the  bandits  and  demanded,  "Well, 
what  are  you  waiting  for?" 

The  head  bandit  looked  down  at  him  in  scorn. 

"Coupons!"  he  replied  with  a  sneer. 

— Nen>  York  Globe. 

Penitential  Reformation 

It  was  visiting  day  at  the  jail  and  the  uplifters  were  on  deck. 
"My  good  man,"  said  one  kindly  lady,  "I  hope  that  since  you 
have  come  here  you  have  had  time  for  meditation  and  have  decided 
to  correct  your  faults." 

"I  have  that,  mum,"  replied  the  prisoner  in  heartfelt  tones. 
"Believe  me,  the  next  job  I  pull,  this  baby  wears  gloves." 

— American  Legion  fVee^l}f. 
52 


sparks  of  Laughter 


Learning  His  Trade 

The  cub  reporter  was  grinding  out  a  marriage  notice.  Finally 
he  brought  it  up  and  laid  it  on  the  city  editor's  desk : 

"Mr.  and  Mrs.  Blank  announce  to-day  the  marriage  of  their 
daughter  to  take  place  next  Monday " 

"Huh,"  grunted  the  editor,  "you  can't  say  they  announced  a 
marriage  yet  to  take  place," 

Again  the  cub  jabbed  away  at  his  typewriter.  And  when  he 
brought  it  back  this  time  it  read : 

"Mr.  and  Mrs.  Blank  predicted  to-day  the  marriage  of  their 
daughter." 

— A^en>   Yorli  Evening  Post. 

Finish  'Em  in  Next  World 

I  once  knew  a  man  named  Mart  Towne,  who  was  wasting  away 
with  illness.     Meeting  him  one  day,  I  suggested  a  remedy. 

"I  can't  try  your  suggestion  for  some  time,"  he  replied  in  a 
weak  voice,  "so  many  others  are  in  ahead  of  you." 

The  man  died  before  he  got  round  to  my  remedy.  Here  v/as  a 
man  who  had  had  good  advice  for  years,  yet  he  grew  thinner 
steadily,  and  finally  died  with  a  great  stock  of  good  advice  on  hand 
he  had  been  unable  to  try. 

— From  "The  Aniholog})  of  Another  Town,"  tp  E.  W.  Howe  {Knopf). 

A  Shining  Revenge 

"Two  young  bootblacks,  whose  stands  are  close  together  on 
Tremont  Street,  quarreled  the  other  day,"  said  a  clever  para- 
grapher  in  Wroe's  Writings.  "  'I'll  get  even  wit'  that  guy  yet,' 
vowed  the  smaller  of  the  two. 

"  'Goin'  to  fight  him,  are  ye,  Jimmie?'  he  was  asked. 

"  'Naw,'  said  Jimmie,  'but  when  he  gets  troo  polishin'  a  gent, 
I'm  goin'  to  say  ter  that  gent,  soon's  he  steps  off  the  chair,  "Shine, 
sir?    Shine?"'" 

— Argui  (Seattle). 

Can  You  "G.  &  B."? 

A  pretty  good  firm  is  Watch  &  Waite, 
And  another  is  Attit,  Early  &  Layte; 
And  still  another  is  Doo  &  Dairet; 
But  the  best  is  probably  Grin  &  Barrett. 

— Sherwood  Music  School  News. 
53 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


Dental  Delights 

Two  dentists  were  talking  "sliop." 

One  remarked : 

"My  treatment  is  so  painless  that  it  often  happens  that  my 
patients  fall  asleep  while  I  am  attending  to  their  teeth." 

The  other  dentist  gave  a  deprecating  shrug  of  his  shoulders. 

"Pooh,  pooh,  m}'  dear  man!  That  is  nothing!"  lie  cried.  "You 
should  sec  my  place  witli  all  the  latest  improvements.  Why,  my 
patients  nearly  always  ask  me  to  send  a  message  to  fetch  a 
photographer  so  that  they  can  be  photographed  with  the  expres- 
sion of  gladness  which  my  patent  dental  treatment  alone  can  give 
them." 

— Ansteers  {London), 

Why  Slam  "Hello?" 

Little  Bessie,  aged  five,  after  calling  her  mother  several  times 
during  the  night  and  receiving  no  reply,  said:  "Mother,  are  you 
really  asleep  or  are  you  just  p'tending  you're  a  telephone  girl?" 

— Boston   Transcript. 

Excused ! 

We'd  seen  the  name  of  "Betelgeuse," 
That  giant  star  so  far  away, 
But  didn't  know  it  was  a  star 
Until  we  found  it  out  to-day. 
So  "Betelgeuse"  is  just  a  star! 
We  thought  it  was  a  Pullman  car. 

— Broo}(l^n  Eagle. 

Deary ! 

Little  Girl:    Papa,  it's  raining. 

Papa   (whose  temjper  is  somewhat  ruffled)  :     Well,  let  it  rain. 

Little  Girl  (timidly)  :    I  was  going  to,  papa. 

— Pearson's   lVeel(ly   {London). 

Where  There's  a  Will 

"So  you  got  your  poem  printed  ?" 

"Yes,"  replied  the  author.  "I  sent  the  first  stanza  to  the  editor 
of  the  Correspondence  Column  with  the  inquiiy,  'Can  anyone  give 
me  the  rest  of  this  poem?'  Then  I  sent  in  the  complete  poem 
over  another  name!" 

— Christian  Register, 
54 


sparks  of  Laughter 


Woman !     The  Myriad  Countenance 

The  woman  in  the  crowded  downtown  department  store  wore 
a  very  irritated  expression  on  her  face. 

"I've  been  waiting  such  a  long  time,"  she  complained  to  one  of 
the  clerks. 

"Sorry,  madam,"  he  said,  "but  we  must  take  our  customers  as 
they  come." 

"Wretched  sei-vice!"  the  woman  was  heard  to  mutter. 

"Now,  what  is  it,  madam?"  the  clerk  asked,  returning  to  her. 

"Could  you  tell  me  how  to  get  to  the  nearest  Broadway  subway 
station?"  she  asked. 

— Ne-D>   Yorli  Sun. 

Lan'  Sakes,  Mandy! 

Dinah,  a  dusky  belle,  had  purchased  a  new  hat.     She  asked  her 
friend  Mandy  what  she  thought  of  it. 

Mandy:     I  think  it's  a  lovely  conskeption  but  it  doesn't  suit 
yo'! 

Dinah:     What's  the  reason  it  don't  suit  me? 

Mandy:     Well,   if  yo'  wants  my  honest  opinion,   I   think  it 
makes  yo'  look  too  French ! 

—Til-Bili. 

Well— You  Try  It! 

Sign  in  front  of  a  florist's  shop  in  Mt.  Clemens,  Mich. 
Arthur  Van  Derblumenscheuer 
Say  it  with  Flowers. 

— American  Legion   Weekly. 

Seaside  Morals  Mixed 

Romantic  Parent:     Some  still  maintain  they  can  see  people 
smuggling  on  this  beach  at  night. 

Little  Boy:    Yes,  I  know.     Grandma  said  it's  disgusting. 

— London  Mail. 

Bereaved  the  Baby 

Mother:     Good   gracious,    Marjs   what  is   the  matter  with 
baby? 

Nurse:  Oh,  if  you  please,  mum,  I  can't  do  nothing  with  him. 

Fido's  eaten  his  diary ! 

— London  Opinion, 
55 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


An  Oriental  Ad  Artist 

Japanese  advertisers  believe  in  a  lavish  use  of  similes. 

"Step  inside!"  is  the  invocation  of  a  big  multiple  shop  in  Tokio. 
"You  w^ill  be  welcomed  as  fondly  as  a  ray  of  sunshine  after  a  rainy 
day.  Each  one  of  our  assistants  is  as  amiable  as  a  father  seeking 
a  husband  for  a  dowerless  daughter.  Goods  are  dispatched  to  cus- 
tomers' houses  with  the  rapidity  of  a  shot  from  the  cannon's 
mouth." 

A  grocer  proclaims  that  his  "superfine  vinegar  is  more  acid  than 
the  tongue  of  the  most  fiendish  mother-in-law." 

— Edinburgh  Scotsman. 

Carnal  Courage 

Landlady:  Don't  be  afraid  of  the  meat,  Mr.  Grant. 
Grant  (a  new  boarder)  :    I'm  not  afraid  of  it.    I've  seen  twice 
as  much  meat,  and  it  didn't  frighten  me  a  bit. 

— Ro^al   Magazine    {London). 

Excuse  Enough 

An  income-tax  form  was  returned  recently  with  the  following 
remark : 

"Sir,  I  belong  to  the  Foresters  and  don't  wish  to  join  the  Income 

Tax." 

— Tit- Bits  {London). 

A  Derned  Selfish  Wife 

He  was — well,  very,  very  careful.  Each  week  he  would  go  over 
his  wife's  cash  account,  growling  and  grumbling.  Once  he  deliv- 
ered himself  of  the  following : 

"Look  here,  Sarah,  'mustard  plasters  one  shilling,  two  teeth 
extracted  five  shillings.'  There's  six  shillings  in  one  week  spent 
for  your  private  pleasure!" 


-Til-Bib  {London). 


Love's  Lane 

Friendship,  N.  Y. 
Love,  Va. 
Kissimee,   Fla. 
Ring,  Ark. 
Parson,  Ky. 
Reno,  Nev. 

56 


— IlUnoia  Star. 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


A  Bare  Threat 

Advertisement  in  the  Oklahoma  News:  "Party  who  took  green 
silk  pajamas  from  clothesline  at  440  West  12th,  please  return  and 
no  embarrassing  exposure  will  be  made  on  my  part." 

To  the  Credit  of  C.  S. 

I  know  a  Christian  Scientist  who  either  left  his  church  because 
of  a  quarrel,  or  was  turned  out.  I  am  not  vicious,  I  hope,  but 
find  much  amusement  in  inducing  this  man  to  talk  about  his 
trouble;  his  attempts  to  express  hate  in  Christian  Science  language 
are  very  amusing  to  the  old  sinner  now  addressing  you. 

— E.  W.  Horve's  Monthly. 

'Twill  Be  a  Noisy  Kingdom 

An  epitaph  in  San  Diego,  Cal.,  as  reported  in  the  Times  of 
Cuba: 

"This  j^ere  is  sakrid  to  the  memory  of  William  Henry  Skaraken, 
who  was  shot  by  Colt's  revolver — one  of  the  old  kind  brass 
mounted,  and  of  sich  is  the  kingdom  of  heaven." 

A  Vile  Panderer 

"How  do  you  manage  to  sell  so  many  fireless  cookers?" 

"It's  due  to  my  method  of  approach,"  said  the  smart  salesman. 

"I  begin  my  little  talk  by  saying,  'Madam,  I  have  called  to  enable 

you  to  spend  every  afternoon  at  the  movies.'  " 

— Birmingham  Age-Herald. 

The  Mouths  of  Babes,  Etc. 

The  5'oung  men  of  the  war  who  now  find  it  difficult  to  go  back 
to  the  draper's  counter  remind  us  of  the  boy  who  went  to  the 
circus.  On  his  return  home  his  mother  asked  him  how  he'd  liked 
it.  "Oh,  ma,"  he  said,  "if  you  once  went  to  the  circus,  you'd  never 
go  to  church  again  in  all  your  life!" 

— London  Opinion. 

Worms  Crawled  in  and  Worms  Crawled  Out 

He:  Have  you  heard  about  the  two  worms  fighting  in  dead 
earnest? 

She  :    No.    Poor  Ernest ! 

— Williams  Purple  Con>. 
57 


sparks  of  Laughter 


Names  Change,  Things  Don't 

Old  Robinson  (inspecting  young  R.'s  "personal  expenses"  ac- 
count for  last  college  term)  :  What  do  you  mean  by  forty  dollars 
for  tennis? 

Young  R.  (easily)  :  Oh,  that's  for  a  couple  of  rackets  I  had  to 
have. 

Old  R.  (severely)  :  Yes,  I  understand,  but  I  think  we  used  to 
call  them  bats. 

— Princeton  Tiger. 

Sticking  Together 

Representative  Cooper,  of  Wisconsin,  was  talking  about  Prus- 
sian militarism. 

"Prussian  militarism,"  he  said,  "prepared  for  this  war  since  '71 
as  frankly  and  openly  as — as — well,  as  the  club. 

"A  lady,  you  know,  rang  up  the  club  the  other  evening. 

"  'Please  call  my  husband  to ,'  she  began,  but  she  was  inter- 
rupted. 

"  'Your  husband  ain't  here,  ma'am,'  said  the  attendant,  blandly. 

"'My  goodness  gracious  me!'  the  lady  exclaimed,  'you're 
mighty  sure  about  it,  aren't  you?  And  I  haven't  told  you  my  name 
yet,  either.  Look  here,  mister,  how  do  you  know  my  husband  isn't 
at  the  club  when  I  haven't  told  you  my  name?' 

"The  attendant  answered  more  blandly  than  ever: 

"  'Nobody's  husband  ain't  never  at  the  club,  ma'am.'  " 

— JVashinglon  Star. 

An  Oily  and  Fiery  Prayer 

A  celebrated  revivalist  came  to  address  his  flock,  and  before  he 
began  to  speak  the  pastor  said:  "Brother  Jones,  before  you  begins 
this  discourse,  there  are  some  powerful  bad  negroes  in  this  here 
congregation,  and  I  want  to  pray  for  you,"  which  he  did  in  this 
fashion : 

"O  Lord,  give  Brother  Jones  the  eye  of  the  eagle,  that  he  may 
see  sin  from  afar.  Glue  his  ear  to  the  gospel  telephone,  and  con- 
nect him  with  the  central  skies.  Illuminate  his  brow  with  a 
brightness  that  will  make  the  fires  of  hell  look  like  a  tallow  candle. 
Nail  his  hands  to  the  gospel  plough,  and  bov/  his  head  in  some  lone- 
somx  valley  where  prayer  is  much  v/anted  to  be  said,  and  anoint 
him  all  over  with  the  kerosene  oil  of  Thy  salvation  and  set  him 

afire." 

— Congrcisional  Record, 
58 


sparks  of  Laughter 


A  Master  Craftsman 

The  wife  of  a  wealthj^  man  had  occasion  to  call  in  the  help  of 
a  new  floor-polisher, 

"Do  you  understand  your  business  thoroughly?" 
"All  I  ask,  madam,  is  that  you  inquire  for  yourself  at  my  last 
situation.  On  the  floor  of  the  large  drawing-room  alone  five  per- 
sons broke  their  limbs  during  last  winter,  and  one  lady  slipped 
down  the  grand  staircase.  It  was  I  who  polished  the  Hoor  and  the 
stairs." 

—Tit-Bits. 

A  New  Town 

Two  gentlemen  riding  on  a  train  were  both  very  much  intoxi- 
cated. 

First  Gent — What  time  is  it? 

Second  Gent  (after  extracting  a  match-box  from  his  pocket  with 
much  exertion  and  gazing  at  it  intently) — Thursday. 

First  Gent — My  God!   I've  got  to  get  oft  here. 

— Everyhody'i. 

Dinner  Religion 

Dr.  J.  M.  Buckley,  the  Methodist  divine,  was  asked  one  day 
to  conduct  an  "experience  meeting"  at  a  colored  church  in  the 
South. 

A  colored  woman  arose  and  bore  witness  to  the  preciousness  of 
her  religion  as  a  light-bringer  and  comfort-giver. 

"That's  good,  sister!"  commented  Dr.  Buckley.  "But  now 
about  the  practical  side.  Does  your  religion  m.ake  you  strive  to 
prepare  your  husband  a  good  dinner?  Does  it  make  you  look  after 
him  in  every  way?" 

Just  then  Dr.  Buckley  felt  a  yank  at  his  coat-tails  by  the  col- 
ored preacher,  who  whispered  ardently:  "Press  dem  questions, 
Doctor,  press  dem  questions.     Dat's  my  wife!" 

— Ladies'  Home  Journal. 

Love's  Fragrant  Generosity 

He  and  his  best  girl  were  seated  in  a  buggy  one  evening  in  town 
v/atching  the  people  pass.  Nearby  was  a  popcorn  vendor's  stand. 
Presently  the  girl  remarked: 

"My!     That  popcorn  smells  good!" 

"That's  right,"  said  the  gallant.  "I'll  drive  up  a  little  closer  so 
you  can  smell  it  better." 

59 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


Only  His  Money's  Worth 

Returning  home  from  the  dentist's  where  he  had  gone  to  have 
a  loose  tooth  drawn,  little  Raymond  reported  as  follows:  "The 
doctor  told  me  'fore  he  began  that  if  I  cried  or  screamed  it  would 
cost  me  a  dollar,  but  if  I  was  a  good  boy  it  would  be  only  fifty 
cents." 

"Did  you  scream?"  his  mother  asked. 

"How  could  I?"  answered  Ray.  "You  only  gave  me  fifty 
cents." 

— Boston  Transcript. 

A  Generous  Justiciary 

Fresh  from  Boston,  the  lawyer  in  the  frontier  town  had  just 
finished  a  glowing  summing  up  for  the  defense.  There  ensued  a 
long  pause,  and  the  Easterner  turned  in  some  embarrassment  to 
the  judge. 

"Your  honor,"  he  asked,  "will  you  charge  the  jury?" 
"Oh,  no,  I  guess  not,"  answered  the  judge  benignantly.     "They 
ain't  got  much,  anyway,  so  I  let  them  keep  all  they  can  make  on 
the  side." 

— American  Legion  iVeelily, 

Hot  Dog! 

"Carl,"  said  the  restaurateur  to  a  waiter,  "why  did  that  man  at 
table  No.  7  leave  so  suddenly?" 

"He  called  for  sausage,  sir,"  said  the  waiter,  "and  I  told  him  we 
were  out  of  them,  but  that  if  he  would  wait  a  few  minutes  I'd 
have  the  cook  make  some.  As  I  went  to  the  kitchen  to  give  the 
order,  I  accidentally  stepped  on  the  dog's  tail,  and  of  course  it 
yelped.    The  man  got  up  right  away,  sir,  and  ran  out." 

— Vnl^noTon. 

Politics  No  Sin 

Over  in  the  "Old  Gauntry"  an  Irishman  informed  his  confessor 
that  he  had  killed  two  policemen.  He  waited  a  moment,  and,  as  no 
comment  was  made,  he  repeated  the  information  in  a  louder  tone. 
Still  there  was  no  remark  on  the  part  of  the  priest,  so  he  raised  his 
voice  a  little  higher  and  asked,  "Are  ye  deaf,  Father?" 

"I  am  not,"  came  the  answer.  "I'm  waiting  for  3'ou  to  stop 
talking  politics  and  start  confessing  your  sins." 

— Savings  Banl^s  Journal, 
60 


sparks  of  Laughter 


God  Save  the  Queen! 

The  Shakespeare  Club  of  New  Orleans  was  noted  for  its  ama- 
teur performances.  Once,  a  social  celebrity,  gorgeous  in  the  cos- 
tume of  a  lord-in-waiting,  was  called  upon  to  say:  "The  queen 
has  swooned." 

As  he  stepped  upon  the  stage  his  friends  applauded  vociferously. 
Bowing  his  thanks,  he  faced  the  king  and,  in  a  high-pitched  voice, 
said:     "The  swoon  has  queened." 

There  was  a  roar  of  laughter.  He  waited  patiently  until  it 
had  subsided  and  tried  again:    "The  sween  has  cooned." 

Again  the  house  roared,  and  the  stage  manager,  in  a  voice  that 
could  be  heard  all  over  the  theatre,  said,  "Come  off,  you  doggoned 
fool!" 

But  the  ambitious  amateur  refused  to  surrender,  and  in  a  rasp- 
ing falsetto,  as  he  was  being  assisted  off  the  stage,  screamed,  "The 
coon  has  sweened!" 

— The  Rounds, 

Celestial  Physic 

A  preacher  is  said  to  have  received  from  a  patent  medicine  com- 
pany an  offer  to  provide  his  church  with  songbooks  free  of  charge. 
It  was  explained  there  would  be  a  few  ads  in  the  front  and  back 
of  the  books,  but  that  these  ads  would  not  be  offensive  to  members 
of  the  congregation,  since  the  books  were  being  secured  for 
nothing. 

The  preacher  gave  the  order  and  the  books  arrived.  He  found 
the  ads  to  be  mildly  worded  and  decided  to  use  the  books.  He 
explained  from  the  pulpit  how  the  books  had  been  secured  and 
announced  that  they  would  sing  hymn  No.  274.  Imagine  tlie 
congregation's  surprise  when,  on  reaching  the  second  verse,  they 
found  themselves  singing: 

"Hark  the  heavenly  angels  sing, 

Johnson's  pills  are  just  the  thing; 

Angel  voices  meek  and  milk — 

Two  for  man  and  one  for  child.'^ 

— Ancient, 

She'll  Keep  Her  Word 

Lou — "Will  I  have  to  give  up  my  club  when  we  are  married, 
love?" 

Laura — "Oh,  I'll  have  a  little  club  at  home  for  you,  dear." 

— Houston  Post. 
61 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


Faithful  Unto  Death 

An  old  darky  got  up  one  night  in  meeting  and  said: 
"Bredders  an'  sisters,  you  know  and  I  know  that  I  ain't  been 
what  I  oughter  been.  I'se  robbed  henroosts  an'  stole  hogs,  an'  tol' 
lies,  an'  got  drunk  an'  slashed  folks  wi'  my  razor,  an'  shot  craps 
an'  cussed  an'  swore,  but  I  thank  de  Lord  dere's  one  thing  I  ain't 
nebber  done — I  ain't  nebber  lost  my  religion." 

—  Various  Magazines. 

Show  This  to  Sadie 

"I've  an  invention  at  last  that  will  mean  a  fortune!" 

"What  is  it  this  time?" 

"Why,  it's  an  extra  key  for  a  typewriter.  When  you  don't 
know  how  to  spell  a  word  you  hit  that  key  and  it  makes  a  blur 
that  might  be  an  e,  an  a,  or  almost  anything  else." 

— Nerv   Yorf(  Evening  Pod. 

Had  Peter,  Noah  and  Gabriel  Guessing 

A  prominent  deacon  in  an  Ohio  church  was  seriously  ill.     As  he 
was  very  popular,  a  bulletin  was  posted  in  front  of  the  church 
to  inform  his  friends  of  his  condition.     It  read : 
"One  o'clock:    Deacon  Jones  very  ill." 

"Two  o'clock:    Deacon  Jones  is  worse  and  sinking  rapidly." 
"Three  o'clock:    Deacon  Jones  is  dead." 
A  jocund  traveling  man,  seeing  no  one  in  sight,  added : 
"Seven  o'clock:     Great  excitement  in  Heaven.     Deacon  Jones 
has  not  yet  arrived.    The  worst  is  feared." 

— Old  Favorite. 

Logic! 

The  ball  had  gone  over  the  railings,  as  balls  will  in  suburban 
gardens,  and  a  small  but  unabashed  batsman  appeared  at  the  front 
door  to  ask  for  it. 

Then  appeared  an  irate  father. 

"How  dare  you  show  yourself  at  my  house?  How  dare  you  ask 
for  your  ball?  Do  you  know  you  nearly  killed  one  of  my  children 
with  it?" 

"But  you've  got  ten  children,"  said  the  logical  lad,  "and  I've 

only  got  one  baseball." 

— Chicago  Nexps. 

62 


sparks  of  Laughter 


Too  Much  Watching 

Douglas,  aged  seven,  did  not  like  the  idea  of  guardian  angels 
watching  over  him  while  he  slept. 

One  night  his  mother  found  on  his  pillow  a  big,  black  false- 
face — a  souvenir  of  Hallowe'en — and  at  the  foot  of  the  bed,  under 
the  covers,  the  child  himself,  resting  uncomfortably. 

She  asked  him  what  was  the  matter — why  he  preferred  to  sleep 
upside  down,  and  what  was  the  idea  of  the  false  face. 

To  all  of  which  questions  he  boastfully  replied: 

"Why,  I'm  just  playing  a  little  joke  on  the  Lord!  I'm  sick  and 
tired  of  having  those  old  guardian  angels  watch  me  the  minute 
I  get  to  sleep!" 

— Harper's. 

His  Brute  Pa 

Vincent  was  altogether  too  garrulous  in  school  to  please  his 
teachers.  Such  punishments  as  the  institution  allowed  to  be  meted 
out  were  tried  without  any  apparent  effect  upon  the  boy,  until  at 
last  the  headmaster  decided  to  mention  the  lad's  fault  upon  his 
monthly  report. 

So  the  next  report  to  his  father  had  these  words: 

"Vincent  talks  a  great  deal." 

Back  came  the  report  by  mail  duly  signed,  but  with  this  written 
in  red  ink  under  the  comment:     "You  ought  to  hear  his  mother." 

— Chicago  Daily  News. 

Choosing  Language 

Johnny  looked  in  amazement  at  the  hippopotamus,  which,  after 
gazing  at  Johnny  for  a  while,  yawned  lazily. 

"Oh,  mamma,  ain't  that  a  hell  of  an  animal?"  said  Johnny. 

"Why,  Johnny,  what  kind  of  language  do  you  call  that?  I 
don't  want  to  ever  hear  you  use  that  word  'ain't'  again!" 

—New   York   World. 

Our  Opulent  English 

The  sweet  young  thing  had  been  unable  to  buy  the  article  she 
wanted,  but  in  each  case  the  clerk  had  assured  her  that  "next 
time"  it  would  assuredly  be  in  stock.  One  day  she  called  at  the 
store  to  find  a  new  clerk  on  the  job.  "Do  you  have  spats  yet?" 
she  inquired.  The  clerk  blushed.  "No,  m.a'am,"  he  stammered: 
"I'm  not  living  with  my  wife  now." 

— Minneapolis  Journal. 
63 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


The  Present  New  York  Way 

Mr.  Johnson  was  wending  his  way  home,  after  a  tiring  day 
house  hunting  with  no  result.  Passing  along  by  a  river  he  heard 
a  splash.  Horrors!  There  was  a  man  struggling  in  the  water. 
Could  it  be?  Yes — it  was  his  friend  Mr.  Robson.  Disregarding 
his  appeals  for  help,  Johnson  made  a  rush  for  Robson's  house  agent. 

"Excuse  me,"  he  said  breathlessly,  "but  can  I  have  Robson's 
house?    He  has  fallen  in  the  river  and  is  drowning." 

"Sorry,"  said  the  plaster-faced  house  merchant,  "but  you're  too 
late.     I've  already  let  it  to  the  man  who  pushed  him  in." 

— Afen>  York  World. 

An  Unconnected  Bluff 

He  was  a  young  law^^er  and  had  just  opened  his  office.  Client- 
less,  of  course.  Hearing  his  doorknob  turn,  he  quickly  picked  up 
the  telephone  receiver.     But,  let  him  tell  it! 

"  'Yes,  Mr.  S.,'  I  was  saying  as  the  stranger  entered  the  office, 
'I'll  attend  to  that  corporation  matter  for  you.  Mr.  J.  had  me 
on  the  phone  this  morning  and  wanted  me  to  settle  a  damage  suit, 
but  I  had  to  put  him  off  as  I  was  too  busy  with  other  cases.  But 
I'll  manage  to  sandwich  your  case  in  between  the  others  some- 
how.    Yes.    Yes.    All  right,  good-bye.' 

"Being  sure,  then,  that  I  had  duly  impressed  my  prospective 
client,  I  hung  up  the  receiver  and  turned  to  him. 

"  'Excuse  me,  sir,'  the  man  said,  'but  I'm  from  the  telephone 
company.     I've  come  to  connect  your  instrument.'  " 

—Ne-a>  York  World, 

Her  Obedient  Husband 

"What  do  men  know  of  women's  work?"  fiercely  queried  the 
lady  orator.  "Is  there  a  man  here,"  she  continued,  folding  her 
arms,  "that  has  day  after  day  got  up  in  the  morning,  gone  quietly 
downstairs,  made  the  fire,  cooked  his  own  breakfast,  sewed  the 
missing  buttons  on  the  children's  clothes,  cleaned  the  pots  and 
kettles,  and  swept  the  kitchen?  If  there  is  such  a  man  in  this 
audience,  let  him  rise  up.     I  should  like  to  see  him." 

In  the  rear  of  the  hall  a  mild-looking  man  in  spectacles,  in 
obedience  to  the  summons,  timidly  arose.  He  was  the  husband 
of  the  eloquent  speaker.  This  was  the  first  chance  he  had  ever 
had  to  assert  himself. 

— Going  Around. 
64 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


Milk,  Meat,  Murder 

A  negro  employed  at  one  of  the  movie  studios  in  Los  Angeles 
was  drafted  by  a  director  to  do  a  nov.el  comedy  scene  with  a  lion. 

"You  get  into  this  bed,"  ordered  the  director,  "and  we'll  bring 
the  lion  in  and  put  him  in  bed  with  }ou.     It  will  be  a  scream." 

"Put  a  lion  in  bed  with  me!"  yelled  the  negro.  "No,  sah! 
Not  a-tall.     I  quits  right  here  and  now." 

"But,"  protested  the  director,  "this  lion  won't  hurt  you.  This 
lion  was  brought  up  on  milk." 

"So  was  I  brung  up  on  milk,"  wailed  the  negro,  "but  I  eats 
meat  now." 

— Saturday  Evening  Post. 

A  Fraud  of  a  Father 

A  little  girl,  whose  father  is  widely  known  as  a  writer  of  humor- 
ous stories,  was  recently  approached  by  a  visitor  who  said : 

"It  must  be  nice  to  have  a  papa  who  knows  so  many  fine  stories." 

The  little  girl  blushed,  and  hung  her  head. 

"Aren't  you  proud  of  your  papa?"  the  visitor  asked. 

"Yes,"  the  little  girl  answered,  "but  I  think  I  ought  to  tell  you 
something." 

"What  is  it?" 

"The  stories  of  my  papa's  aren't  stories  at  all." 

"Not  stories?" 

"No." 

And  in  a  deep,  hoarse  whisper,  the  child  confessed: 

"He  makes  them  all  up  out  of  his  own  head." 

— Youngstown    Telegram. 

The  Myriad-Minded  Shakespeare 

Miss  Jones  gave  her  classes  a  test  in  which  she  asked  them  to 
name  five  of  Shakespeare's  plays.  Among  the  titles  received  were 
these : 

King  Liar. 

A  Merchant  of  Venus. 
Old  Fellow. 
McBath. 
Omelet. 
Which  reminds  us  of  the  high-school  pupil  who  said  that  Shake- 
speare's most  famous  poem  was  "Venice  an  Adenoids." 

— Cleveland  Plain-Dealer. 
65 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


Lighting  Her  Countenance 

One  evening  a  farmer  met  his  man  with  a  lantern  and  asked 
him  where  he  was  going. 

"Courtin'j"  was  the  reply. 

"CourtinV'  said  the  farmer,  "with  a  lantern?  I  never  took  a 
lantern  with  me  when  I  went  courtin'." 

"I  thought  not,"  replied  the  man,  "when  I  first  saw  your 
missus." 

— Pearson's   Wee}(l\f  {London). 

His  Great  Opportunity 

He  was  a  professional  conjurer.  "Now,  ladies  and  gentlemen," 
he  said,  with  a  wave  of  the  hand,  "this  is  the  magic  cabinet.  I  in- 
vite any  lady  in  the  audience  to  enter  this  cabinet.  I  will  then 
close  the  door,  and  when  it  shall  be  opened  again  the  lady  will 
have  disappeared,  leaving  no  trace." 

There  was  an  impressive  silence  until  a  little  undersized  man  in 
the  second  row  turned  to  an  enormous  woman,  who  sat  by  him, 
and  breathed  eagerly: 

"Marie,  dear,  won't  you  oblige  the  gentleman?" 

— Pearson's  IVeelily   {London). 

A  Wasted  Life 

One  of  Sir  Thomas  Lipton's  favorite  stories  concerns  an  old 
Scotchman  who  went  to  a  horserace  for  the  first  time  and  was  in- 
duced to  stake  a  sixpence  in  the  third  race  on  a  40-to-l  shot.  By 
some  miracle  the  horse  won,  and  when  the  bookmaker  handed  the 
old  man  his  winnings  he  could  hardly  believe  his  eyes. 

"Dae  ye  mean  to  tell  me  I  get  all  this  for  ma  saxpence?"  he 
exclaimed.  ,  i*.  i^ 

"You  do,"  replied  the  bookmaker. 

"Ma  conscience,"  muttered  the  Scotchman.  "Tell  me,  mon, 
how  long  has  this  thing  been  goin'  on?" 

— Boston  Transcript. 

Her  Supreme  Sacrifice 
"There  are  a  great  many  'human  interest'  stories  to  be  found  in 
the  'want'  advertisements." 
"Well?" 

"For  instance,  here's  one  in  which  Mary  says:  'Come  home, 
John;  I've  sold  the  poodle.'" 

— Birmingham  Age-Herald. 

66 


sparks  of  Laughter 


Extreme  Measures 

He  hated  having  his  photograph  taken,  but  his  wife,  indirectly, 
had  forced  him  to  undergo  the  much  dreaded  ordeal.  When  she 
saw  the  photograph  she  cried  out  in  horror,  "Oh,  George,  you  have 
only  one  button  on  your  coat!"  "Thank  Heavens,"  replied  friend 
husband,  "you've  noticed  it  at  last.  That's  why  I  had  the  photo- 
graph taken." 

— San  Franciico  Argonaut. 

Flip  Jack,  Flap  Jack 

"I  thought  sure  Jack  and  Miss  Flyrtie  would  make  a  match  of 
it.    \Vhat  caused  the  break?" 

"It  was  all  due  to  Jack's  unfortunate  knowledge  of  Shake- 
speare. You  see,  when  he  proposed,  Miss  Flyrtie  said :  'Well, 
here's  my  hand  and  my  heart  with  it.     'Twas  mine;  'tis  yours.' 

"  'And  has  been  slave  to  thousands,'  quoted  Jack  without  think- 
ing— and  it  was  all  off  in  the  twinkling  of  an  eye." 

— Boston  Transcript. 

Ever  Do  It? 

"Do  you  see  that  chromo  over  there  in  the  blue  dress?"  asked 
the  man  of  a  stranger  standing  next  to  him  at  a  party. 

"Yes,"  replied  the  man  addressed,  with  interest. 

"Let  me  give  you  a  quiet  tip.  She's  a  lemon.  She  walked  all 
over  my  feet.     Don't  try  to  dance  with  her." 

"I'm  not  likely  to.    You  see,  she's  my  wife!" 

— Yonl^ers  Statesman. 

"Helping"  Mamma 

Several  members  of  a  woman's  club  were  chatting  with  a  little 
daughter  of  their  hostess. 

"I  suppose  you  are  a  great  help  to  your  mamma,"  said  one. 

"Oh,  yes,"  replied  the  little  miss,  "and  so  is  Ethel,  but  it's  my 
turn  to  count  the  spoons  to-day  after  the  company  is  gone." 

— Boston  Transcript. 

Oh,  Edith! 

Dick — I  think  Edith  will  make  a  fine  wife.  I  have  been  calling 
on  her  for  six  months  now  and  nearly  alwajs  have  found  her 
darning  her  father's  socks. 

Jack — That  caught  me,  too,  until  I  found  out  that  it  was  the 
same  sock. 

— Boston  Transcript. 
67 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


An  Orthodox  Auld  Mither 

"Tell  me,  Jamie,  what  was  the  most  wonderful  thing  you  saw 
while  at  sea?" 

"I  think  the  strangest  thing  I  saw  was  the  flying-fish." 

"Noo,  laddie,  dinna  mak'  a  fule  of  yer  mither.  Wha  ever 
heard  o'  a  fish  fleein'?" 

"Another  strange  thing  I  saw  when  crossing  the  Red  Sea.  We 
dropped  anchor  and  when  we  raised  it  again  there  was  one  of  the 
wheels  of  Pharaoh's  chariot  on  it." 

"Aye,  laddie,  I  believe  you.     We've  Scripture  for  that." 

— Kansas  Citjj  Times. 

Modern  Salesmanship 

"Ethel,"  he  whispered,  "will  you  marry  me?" 

"I  don't  know,  Charlie,"  she  replied  coyly. 

"Well,  when  you  find  out,"  he  said,  rising,  "send  me  word,  will 
you?  I  shall  be  at  Mabel  Hicks's  until  ten  o'clock.  If  I  don't 
hear  from  you  by  then  I  am  going  to  ask  her." 

She  hurried  up. 

— Houston  Post. 

The  Supply  Holds  Out 

"Some  men  make  money  out  of  lumber,  others  out  of  wool,  still 
others  out  of  cotton,  corn  or  wheat." 

"A  man  can  make  money  out  of  almost  anything  nowadays,  if 
he  knows  how." 

"That's  true." 

"I've  just  met  a  member  of  the  medical  profession  who  told  me 
he  made  ten  thousand  dollars  last  year  out  of  adenoids." 

— Birmingham  A§e-Herald, 

Boston  Lowbrow  Habits 

A  fastidious  friend  of  ours,  being  down  on  Atlantic  Avenue  on 
business  the  other  day,  dropped  into  a  hashery  for  lunch.  It  was 
a  rough,  ill-smelling  place,  but  he  thought  he  could  manage  to  get 
down  a  cup  of  coffee  and  a  doughnut,  so  he  ordered  them.  The 
waitress  brought  his  coffee  in  a  thick,  heavy  cup. 

"Where's  the  saucer?"  inquired  our  fastidious  friend. 

"We  don't  give  no  saucers  here,"  replied  the  girl,  turning  her 
wad  of  gum.  "If  we  did,  some  lowbrows  would  come  blowin'  and 
drink  out  of  his  saucer,  and  we'd  lose  a  lot  of  our  swell  trade." 

— Boston  Transcript. 
68 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


Spic  and  Span  Spitting 

There's  a  suburban  home  whose  owner's  principal  delight  is  in 
keeping  it  spic  and  span.  After  dinner  he  and  a  guest  were  smok- 
ing on  the  front  porch.  The  guest,  after  lighting  his  cigar,  threw 
the  burned  match  to  the  ground. 

"Oh,  I  wouldn't  do  that,  George,"  said  the  host. 

"Why  not?"  asked  the  guest,  surprised. 

"It  spoils  the  appearance  of  a  place,"  was  the  answer.  "It's 
just  those  little  things  that  make  a  place  look  bad." 

The  guest  smoked  his  cigar  in  silence  for  a  minute.  Then,  with- 
out a  word,  he  got  up  from  his  chair,  walked  down  to  the  road  and 
disappeared.     He  returned  in  a  short  while,  and  his  host  asked : 

"Why,  where  have  you  been,  George?" 

"Oh,  I  just  went  down  to  spit  in  the  river,"  said  George. 

— Everybod)f'5. 

Caddie's  Slip-Up 

Golfer — Confound  you,  boy;  you  made  me  miss  that  putt! 
Caddie — I  didn't  do  nothing,  sir. 

Golfer — Yes,  5'ou  did ;  it  was  your  blooming  hiccough. 
Caddie — I  didn't  hiccup,  sir. 

Golfer — Of  course,  you  didn't.  It's  the  first  time  you've 
missed,  and  I  allowed  for  it,  you  idiot! 

— 5/rap  Stories. 

Show  This  to  Myra 

"Why  don't  you  go  on  writing  my  speech?"  said  the  orator. 
"I  am  spellbound,"  replied  his  typist. 
"Has  my  eloquence  such  an  effect?" 

"Yes,  sir.  I  never  worked  for  a  man  who  used  so  many  words 
I  can't  spell." 

— Boston  Transcript. 

Scriptural  Fashions 

"William  Dean  Howells,"  said  an  editor,  "often  joked  about 
the  latest  styles. 

"  'The  minister  made  a  witty  reference  to  the  latest  style  in  his 
sermon,  didn't  he?'  Mr.  Howells  said  one  Sunday  morning  to  a 
young  lady  of  New  York. 

"  'Did  he?     How?'  asked  the  j'oung  lady. 

"  'Why,  didn't  you  notice?'  said  Mr.  Howells.  'He  chose  his 
text  from  Revelations.'  " 

— Detroit  Free  Press. 
69 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


And  Sir  Walter  Turned  Over 

He  had  been  reading  knightly  romances  and  grew  dissatisfied 
with  the  present  sordidness  of  the  world.  He  believed  it  to  be  his 
duty  to  inject  some  romance  into  the  daily  grind. 

On  a  rainy,  muddy  day  he  sallied  forth  to  perform  some  knightly 
errand.  He  beheld  a  bewitching  princess  about  to  step  from  her 
limousine  upon  the  dirty  wet  pavement.  Hastening  forward,  he 
spread  his  fur  coat  under  her  dainty  feet. 

She  looked  at  him  in  surprise. 

"Well,  of  all  the  damn  fools!"  she  exclaimed. 

— Smarl  Sel. 

Good  One  on  Mike 

A  dignified  Episcopalian  minister  had  an  engagement  to  lecture 
at  8  p.  m.  in  a  New  York  auditorium.  A  dinner  engagement  held 
him  in  his  hotel  until  7.45  p.  m.  He  rushed  out  to  the  taxi  stand 
and  said  to  the  driver:  "I've  an  engagement  to  speak  in  Mechan- 
ics' Hall  at  8  o'clock.  Break  the  speed  laws!  Take  any  chances! 
I'll  take  the  responsibility!"  The  car  whizzed  away.  It  had  gone 
a  few  blocks  when  it  was  halted  by  an  Irish  traffic  policeman: 

"Shtop!"  he  shouted.  "Shtop!  Back  oop  there.  Whadda  ye 
mane  thryin'  tub  make  a  race-track  out  uv  me  boulevarrd?  Hop 
out  there  an'  give  me  your  name  and  number." 

The  minister  stepped  out.  The  policeman  took  one  look  at  the 
ministerial  choker  and  closed  front  vest.  Then  taking  off  his  hat 
he  said  softly: 

"I  beg  your  pa-a-r-rdon,  father.  I  sh topped  ye  so's  I  cud  tell 
the  laddy  here  to  be  careful  three  blocks  farther  down.  There's 
a  mean  Protestant  cop  dow-n  there  and  ye  might  get  pinched." 

— Journal  of  the  American  Medical  Association. 

Father  Feared  Another  Cough-Up 

"In  what  city  were  you  born?" 

(The  teacher  was  filling  out  questionnaires  for  new  pupils.) 
"I  wasn't  born  in  no  city." 

This  answer,  from  Uriam  Umson,  caused  surprise. 
"But  you  must  have  been  born  in  some  city — or  town." 
"No,  mam;  I  was  born  on  a  train." 
"Indeed!    Are  you  sure?" 

"Yes,  mam,  because  I  often  hear  mother  remind  father  of  how 
mad  he  got  when  he  thought  he'd  have  to  pay  another  fare." 

— Youngsloi»n  Telegram. 
70 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


The  Deadly  Saxophone 

A  Washington  man  was  taking  a  walking  tour  through  Mary- 
land. One  night  he  put  up  at  a  country  hotel.  The  next  morn- 
ing, at  breakfast,  the  landlord  said  to  him : 

"Did  you  enjoy  the  saxophone  playing  in  the  room  next  to 
yours  last  night?" 

"Enjoy  it!"  exclaimed  the  tourist.  "I  should  think  not!  Why, 
I  spent  half  the  night  pounding  on  the  wall,  trying  to  make  the 
man  stop!" 

"It  must  have  been  a  misunderstanding,"  said  the  landlord, 
regretfully.  "The  saxophone  player  told  me  that  the  person  in  the 
next  room  applauded  him  so  heartily  that  he  went  over  every  piece 
he  knew  three  times." 

— Harper's  Magazine. 

Entirely  Reasonable 

"I  am  in  receipt  of  your  letter  asking  why  I  cannot  receive  your 
shipment  at  Fargo,"  a  gentleman  writes  to  a  mail-order  house. 
"I  am  sorry  I  cannot  take  this  out,  but  you  see  I  am  in  jail  at 
Cando,  N.  D.,  on  charges  of  murder,  and  I  will  probably  go  to 
the  penitentiar>',  and  they  tell  me  that  place  is  steam-heated,  so  I 
won't  need  the  stove,  so  please  arrange  to  send  my  money  back." 

— Macon  Telegraph. 

Checkmate ! 

Not  long  ago  there  appeared  in  a  Western  paper  the  following; 

"The  gentleman  who  found  a  pocketbook  with  money  in  Main 
Street  is  requested  to  forward  it  to  the  address  of  the  loser,  as  he 
was  recognized." 

The  next  day  there  appeared  in  the  same  paper  the  response, 
which,  although  courteous,  had  an  elusive  air: 

"The  recognized  gentleman  who  picked  up  a  pocketbook  in 
Main  Street  requests  the  loser  to  call  at  his  house  at  a  convenient 
date." 

— Harper's  Magazine. 

A  Psychologist 

Asked  why  he  left  hell  out  of  a  recent  sermon,  Brother  Williams 
replied : 

"Ever'thing  to  his  season.  Whilst  I  wuz  a-preachin'  dat  sermon 
de  thermometer  vmz  in  de  nineties,  an'  hell  spoke  for  itself!" 

— A  llanla  Constitution. 
71 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


He  Was  Too  Darned  Sure! 

Cycling  Amazon  (after  collision) — It  was  your  fault!  I  was 
riding  my  wheel  carefully  and  I've  had  eight  years'  experience  in 
riding! 

Pedestrian — Madam,  I  think  it  was  yours!  I  was  walking 
carefully,  and  I've  had  sixty-eight  years'  experience  in  walking! 

— Pasiing  Show  {London). 

Scientific  Humor 

Al  Bert — How  do  these  love  triangles  usually  end? 
Phil  Bert — Most  of  them  turn  into  a  wreck-tangle. 

— Science  and  Invention. 

Poor  Margaret! 

Six-year-old  Margaret  often  played  with  Nellie,  a  neighbor's 
little  girl.  One  rainy  day  the  two  were  just  starting  across  the 
clean  kitchen  floor  at  Margaret's  home  when  the  latter's  mother, 
seeing  their  muddy  shoes,  headed  them  off  and  sent  them  out  to 
play  on  the  porch.    After  a  moment  Nellie  remarked : 

"My  mother  don't  care  how  much  I  run  over  the  kitchen  floor." 

There  was  quite  a  long  interval  of  silence.  Then  Margaret 
said: 

"I  wish  I  had  a  nice,  dirty  mother  like  you've  got,  Nellie." 

— Galveston  News. 

Fifty-Fifty  Sausage 

A  sausage  manufacturer  in  Milwaukee  built  a  reputation  for  a 
certain  brand  of  sausage.  He  called  it  rabbit  sausage.  A  sanitary 
inspector  called  one  day  for  an  analysis.  "Don't  you  use  some 
horse  :n  this  make  of  sausage?"  asked  the  s.  i.  "Yes,  I  use  some," 
was  the  reply.  "How  much?"  "Well,  I  make  it  a  fifty-fifty 
proposition.     One  horse,  one  rabbit." 

— Circuit  Rider. 

Well,  What  DOES  It  Mean? 

"It  means  'In  God  we  trust,'  "  replied  the  office  boy  confidently 
in  answer  to  a  question  over  the  telephone. 

"What  does?"  inquired  the  city  editor  who  caught  the  remark. 
"E  Pluribus  Unum,"  answered  the  boy.     "A  man  said  he  had 
a  bet  up." 

"What  did  he  say  when  you  told  him  that?" 
"He  said  he  guessed  he'd  lost  the  bet." 

— Kansas  Cit}f  Star. 
72 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


Jock's  Invisible  Porridge 

"Jock,"  said  his  employer,  "there's  a  fly  in  yer  pairritch." 

"That  disnae  matter,"  replied  Jock  gloomily;  "it'll  no  droon." 

The  farmer  glared  at  him. 

"What  do  ye  mean?"  he  angrily  asked.  "That's  as  much  as 
sayin'  ye  haven't  enough  mulk." 

"Oh,"  replied  Jock,  still  more  gloomily,  "there's  mair  than 
enough  for  a'  the  pairritch  I  have." 

— Detroit  Free  Press. 

We  Subscribe 

Mother — We  must  get  a  nurse  for  the  baby. 
New  Pop — A  nurse?    What  we  need  is  a  night  watchman. 

— Bostori  Transcript. 

Bringing  Up  Mother 

"Are  you  going  to  the  theatre  this  evening,  Mrs.  Frisber?" 
"Yes.     I  have  great  confidence  in  my  daughter's  judgment.    She 
has  found  a  play  she  thinks  it  would  be  quite  proper  for  me  to  see." 

— Birmiiigham  Age-Herald. 

'Twould  Take  a  Miracle,  Bill 

The  two  miners  had  never  seen  golf  played  before.  They  stood 
watching  a  fat,  unskillful  player  at  work  in  a  bunker.  The  sand 
flew  up,  but  the  ball  remained.  Seven  agonizing  shots  had  been 
played.  The  plaj'er  stopped  for  breath,  and  then  made  his  eighth 
attempt.  The  ball  was  lobbed  up,  dropped  on  the  green,  and  roll- 
ing gently  to  the  pin,  settled  in  the  hole. 

"Bagum,  Bill,"  said  one  miner  to  the  other,  "he's  got  a  devil 
of  a  job  on  now." 

— London  lVeel(ly  Telegraph. 

"Hello  Hoosit" 

A  suburban  housewife  relates  overhearing  this  conversation 
between  her  Cape  girl  and  the  one  next  door: 

"How  are  you,  Katje?" 

"I'm  well;  I  like  my  job.  We  got  cremated  cellar,  cremated 
plumbing,  elastic  lights,  and  a  hoosit." 

"What's  a  hoosit,  Katje?" 

"Oh,  a  bell  rings.  You  put  a  thing  to  your  ear  and  say  'Hello,' 
and  then  someone  says  'Hello,'  and  you  say  'Hoosit.'  "  , 

— Johannesburg  (South  Africa)   Times, 
73 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


The  Repression  of  Johnny 

"You  ought  to  have  seen  Mr.  Marshall  when  he  called  on  Dolly 
the  other  night,"  remarked  Johnny  to  his  sister's  young  man,  who 
was  taking  tea  with  the  family.  "I  tell  you  he  looked  fine  a-setting 
there  alongside  of  her  with  his  arm " 

"Johnny!"  gasped  his  sister,  her  face  the  color  of  a  boiled 
lobster. 

"Well,  so  he  did,"  persisted  Johnny.     "He  had  his  arm " 

"John,"  screamed  his  mother  frantically. 

"Why,"  whined  the  boy.    "I  was " 

"John,"  said  his  father  sternly,  "leave  the  room." 

And  Johnny  left,  crying  as  he  went:  "I  was  only  going  to  say 
that  he  had  his  army  clothes  on !" 

— A/en»  Yot}^  Central  Magazine. 

An  All-Protecting  Providence 

Says  the  bachelor  editor  of  the  Wathena  Times:  "How  can 
you  expect  girls  to  marry  and  be  satisfied  with  their  husbands? 
They  are  seldom  satisfied  with  themselves.  There  is  always  some- 
thing, complexion,  weight,  height,  the  color  of  the  eyes  or  hair,  that 
does  not  suit  them.  And  it  is  a  case  where  'murder  will  out,'  for 
they  just  can't  keep  from  telling  where  they  themselves  think  they 
could  be  improved.  Except  for  that,  easily  fooled  men  might  read- 
ily imagine  them  to  be  perfect.  A  wise  Providence  seems  to  have 
decreed  that  they  should  tote  fair,  to  the  extent  of  warning  men 
of  their  imperfections." 

— Houston  Post, 

Elinor  Glyn— But  NOT  "Three  Weeks" 

Elinor  Glyn  said  at  a  dinner: 

"The  average  Spanish  couple  have  a  child  a  yea.T  for  twenty 
years  or  so.  A  good  many  of  these  children  die,  but  nevertheless 
the  average  Spanish  family  boasts  about  twelve  children. 

"A  Spanish  grandee  took  his  family  to  America  last  year,  and 
one  day,  as  he  was  leading  the  way  into  a  New  York  department 
store,  a  policeman  halted  him  rudely : 

"  'Here,  what  you  been  doin'?'  the  policeman  said. 

"  'Nothing,'  said  the  Spanish  grandee. 

"  'Then  what  are  all  these  children  foUerin'  you  for?'  the 
policeman  said  suspiciously." 

— Detroit  Free  Preu. 
74 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


Presence  of  Mind 

"So  you  got  $200  out  of  the  railway  company  for  the  accident?" 
"  'Twas  no  an  accident.    I  just  cracked  the  old  wife  on  the  heid 
wi'  me  stick  when  the  crash  came." 

— London  Mail. 

A  Pulling  Ad 

"Why,  Hello,  Pat,  I  hear  you  lost  your  job  in  the  department 
store." 

"Oh,  yes,  I  got  fired." 

"You  got  fired?     How  did  that  happen?" 

"Oh,  I  just  took  a  sign  from  a  lady's  shirtwaist  and  put  it  on  a 
bathtub." 

"And  you  got  fired  for  that?    Well,  tell  me  what  the  sign  read." 

"It  said,  'How  would  you  like  to  see  your  best  girl  in  this  for 
$2.75?'" 

— Keeping  in  Touch. 

The  Best  None  Too  Good 

The  other  day  a  negro  went  into  a  drug-store  and  said : 
"Ah  wants  one  ob  dem  dere  plasters  you  stick  on  yoah  back." 
"I  understand,"  said  the  clerk.     "You  mean  one  of  our  porous 

plasters." 

"No,  sah,  I  don't  want  none  of  your  poores  plasters.     I  wants 

de  bes'  one  you  got." 

—Nev  York  Globe. 

Phew! 

The  young  man  was  telling  his  sweetheart  how  he  had  been 
attracted  to  her. 

"You  were  a  lovely  flower  and  I  was  a  bee,"  he  explained  to 
her.     "I  was  a  mouse  and  you  were  a  piece  of  cheese." 

And  then  he  wondered  why  she  rose  and  left  the  room. 

— The  American  Legion   M^ccj^/j). 

Fraternal  Hope 

At  the  grave  of  the  departed  the  old  darky  pastor  stood,  hat  in 
hand.  Looking  into  the  abj'ss  he  delivered  himself  of  the  funeral 
oration. 

"Samuel  Johnson,"  he  said  sorrowfully,  "you  is  gone.  An'  we 
hopes  you  is  gone  where  we  'specks  you  ain't." 

— The  American  Legion  lVeel(l}f. 
75 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


His  Blessed  Helpmeet! 

Neighbor    (bearer  of  message,   breathlessly) — "You're  wanted 

at   'ome,    Charlie.     Yer  wife's  just  presented   j-er  with   another 

rebate  off  yer  income  tax." 

— Punch   {London). 

A  Resourceful  Sergeant 

An  Irish  drill-sergeant  was  instructing  some  recruits  in  the  mys- 
teries of  marching  movements,  and  found  great  difficulty  in  getting 
a  countryman  of  his  to  halt  when  the  command  was  given.  After 
explaining  and  illustrating  several  times,  he  approached  the 
recruit,  sized  him  up  silently  for  a  couple  of  minutes,  and  then 
demanded  his  name. 

"Casey,  sir,"  was  the  reply. 

"Well,  Casey,  did  ye  iver  drive  a  mule?" 

"Yis,  son" 

"What  did  ye  say  when  you  wanted  him  to  stop?" 

"Whoa." 

The  sergeant  turned  away  and  immediately  put  his  squad  in 
motion.  After  they  had  advanced  a  dozen  yards  or  so  he  bawled 
out  at  the  top  of  his  lungs!    "Squad,  halt!    Whoa,  Casey!" 

— The  Argonaut  {San  Francisco). 

"Association  of  Ideas" 

"The  storm  burst  upon  us  so  suddenly  we  had  no  warning  of  its 
approach,"  related  the  tornado  victim.  "In  an  instant  the  house 
was  demolished  and  scattered  to  the  four  winds.  How  I  escaped 
being  torn  to  pieces  I  do  not  know     .     .     ." 

"Good  Lord!"  ejaculated  little  Mr.  Meek.  "That  reminds  me. 
I  almost  forgot  to  do  an  errand  for  my  wife." 

— The  American  Legion   lVeelil\f. 

His  Place — "Down  Beneath  and  Far  Below" 

"My  idea  of  heaven," 
Said  Aaron  K.  Agatehead, 
The  well-known  truck-driver, 
"Is  a  long  stretch  of  pavement 
Full  of  holes  and  puddles  of  water, 
And  the  curb  lined  with  people, 
All  drest  in  white."  . 

— Detroit  Motor  News. 
76 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


And  Then  She  Haunted  Him 

A  widower  ordered  a  headstone  for  his  wife's  grave.  The 
inscription  concluded  with:  "Lord,  she  was  thine."  When  it 
was  finished  it  was  found  that  the  stone-cutter  did  not  have  room 
on  the  stone  for  the  "e"  in  "thine." 

— The  Drexerd. 

And  All  the  Race  Swallows  Them 

Johnny — "Did  Moses  have  dyspepsia  like  what  you've  got?" 
Dad — "How  on  earth  do  I  know?     Why  do  you  ask  such  a 

question  ?" 

Johnny — "Well,   our   Sunday  school   teacher  says  the   Lord 

gave  Moses  two  tablets." 

— London  Mail. 

Poor  Little  Infidels! 

A  colored  woman  one  day  visited  the  courthouse  in  a  Tennessee 
town  and  said  to  the  judge : 

"Is  you-all  the  reperbate  judge?" 

"I  am  the  judge  of  probate,  mammy." 

*T'se  come  to  you-all  'cause  I'se  in  trubble.  Mah  man — he's 
done  died  detested  and  I'se  got  t'ree  little  infidels  so  I'se  cum  to 
be  appointed  der  execootiner." 

— The  Laroyer  and  Banker. 

Wouldn't  Be  Caught  Napping 

Doctor — "He'll  be  up  in  a  day  or  two,  Mrs.  Jones,  Why  all 
this  distress?" 

Apprehensive  Wife — "I  was  so  afraid,  doctor;  all  night  he 
was  practising  the  harp  on  the  bed-rails." 

— London  Opinion. 

And  Probably  Perfimied 

The  other  day  a  little  fellow  of  middle-class  parents  and  drest 
accordingly  was  having  a  merry  romp  on  the  esplanade,  rolling 
around  on  the  concrete  walk  regardless  of  his  clothes  entirely. 
During  a  pause  in  his  play  his  mother  said  to  him,  pointing  to  two 
boys  in  immaculate  white  suits:  "Look,  dear,  wouldn't  you  like 
to  be  nice  and  clean  like  those  children  there?" 

"Huh!"  replied  the  youngster  scornfully,  "they're  not  children; 
they're  pets." 

— Boslon  Transcript. 
77 


sparks  of  Laughter 


Baiting  the  Public 

"Say,  Jim,"  said  the  friend  of  the  taxicab-driver,  standing  in 
front  of  the  vehicle,  "there's  a  purse  Iving  on  the  floor  of  your 
car." 

The  driver  looked  carefully  around  and  then  whispered:  "Some- 
times when  business  is  bad  I  put  it  there  and  leave  the  door  open. 
It's  empty,  but  you've  no  idea  how  many  people'U  jump  in  for  a 
short  drive  when  they  see  it." 

— Kind  Wordi. 

Taking  No  Chances 

A  salesman  was  showing  an  elderly  lady  the  virtues  of  the  car 
he  sells.  He  made  a  number  of  turns  and  at  the  proper  times 
extended  his  arm  as  a  turning  signal.  The  old  lady  watched  the 
proceedings  for  some  time.  Then  she  craned  her  neck  and  looked 
at  the  sky. 

"Mister,"  she  said  sternly,  tapping  him  on  the  shoulder,  "you 
just  tend  to  your  driving!  It  don't  look  like  rain,  but  if  it  should 
I'll  let  you  know." 

— Argonaut, 

Does  Yours? 

And  this  is  the  time  of  year  when  men  ask  each  other,  "How  is 
your  wife  going  to  vote?"  And  the  men  answer,  "She's  going  to 
vote  the  same  way  I  do."  And  the  women  ask  each  other,  "Are 
you  going  to  vote  the  way  your  husband  does?"  And  they  answer, 
"He  thinks  I  am." 

— Sjfracuie  Herald. 

No  Noticeable  Difference 

Algy — "Parker,  I'm  ruined  socially!  Last  night  at  the  ball  I 
drank  too  much  and  staggered  into  everybody." 

Valet — "Scarcely  that,  sir.  Every  one's  talking  of  you  as 
inventing  a  new  dance." 

— Passing  Shor»  (London), 

Has  Plenty  of  Comrades 

"I  don't  see  why  you  call  your  place  a  bungalow,"  said  Smith 
to  his  neighbor. 

"Well,  if  it  isn't  a  bungalow,  what  is  it?"  said  the  neighbor. 
"The  job  was  a  bungle,  and  I  still  owe  for  it!" 

— Pearsons  lVeelil}f. 
76 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


World's  Sharpest  Weapon 

A  homely  young  English  chap,  having  his  view  obstructed  by 
the  headgear  of  the  girl  in  front  of  him,  ventured  to  protest.  "See 
here,  miss,"  he  said,  leaning  over,  "I  w^ant  to  look  as  well  as  you." 

"Oh,  do  yer?"  she  replied,  in  a  rich  Cockney  accent.  "Then 
you'd  better  run  'ome  and  change  yer  fice." 

— Boston  Tramcript, 

A  Wunnerful  Echo 

MacTavish — "Ay,  it's  a  wunnerfu'  echo.  When  folk  roond 
aboot  here  gang  tae  their  beds,  they  juist  put  their  heids  oot  o'  the 
window  an'  shout,  an'  the  echo  waukens  them  i'  the  mornin'!" 

— The  Passing  Show   {London). 

He  Stopped  Short 

Perkins  (during  neighborly  quarrel) — "By  Jove,  if  you  don't 
stop  trying  to  make  me  angry,  I'll  buy  my  wife  a  new  hat,  and 
then  you'll  have  to  buy  one  for  yours!" 

— The  Passing  Show   {London). 

Tongue- Wagging  Worse  Than  Leg-Shaking 

A  notorious  gossip  one  day  went  to  Dean  W,  D.  Wilson,  burn- 
ing with  indignation:  "Oh,  doctor,  have  you  heard  the  disgrace- 
ful news?  The  young  people  of  your  church  are  going  to  have  a 
dance,  they  say.     How  shocking!     What  do  you  think  about  it?" 

To  which  the  saintly  scholar  responded  sweetly,  "Madame,  I 
had  rather  have  them  shake  their  legs  than  their  tongues!" 

— The  Christian  Register  {Boston). 

And  Its  Patches 

Professor — "When  you  examine  a  dog's  lungs  under  the 
microscope,  what  do  you  see?" 

"The  seat  of  his  pants,  I  suppose." 

— The  Pelican, 

And  It  Worked 

"What  are  you  doing  with  that  porous-plaster,  Claude?" 
"Well,  I  want  an  idea  for  a  Futurist  Fugue  and  I  thought  I'd 
just  try  this  over  on  the  pianola!" 

— London  Mail. 
79 


sparks  of  Laughter 


Business  Partners 

"Who's  the  swell  guy  you  was  just  talkin'  to?"  asked  Tony 
the  bootblack. 

"Aw,  him  and  me's  worked  together  for  years,"  answered 
Mickey  the  newsboy.     "He's  the  editor  of  one  of  me  papers." 

— The  American  Legion  W^ee^/j). 

What  Makes  'Em  Savage 

According  to  Dr.  Bramer,  the  savages  of  Brumari  Island  never 
kiss  each  other.  Judging  by  their  photographs,  we  don't  blame 
them, 

— The  Passing  Shoii>   {London). 

The  Thrilling  Limit 

"What  sort  of  a  time  is  your  friend  having  on  his  motor  tour?" 
"Great!  I've  had  only  two  letters  from  him — one  from  a  police 
station  and  the  other  from  a  hospital." 

— The  Bulletin  (S^dne^). 

Good  Scheme 

"Sages  tell  us  that  the  best  way  to  get  the  most  out  of  life  is  to 
fall  in  love  with  a  great  problem  or  a  beautiful  woman." 
"Why  not  choose  the  latter  and  get  both?" 

— Amherst  Lord  Jeff. 

Even  If  It  Is  Smith 

When  a  girl  begins  calling  you  by  your  first  name,  watch  out, 
boy !    She  likes  your  last  one. 

— Judge. 

Caught  'Em  in  His  Mouth,  Too 

"Yes,"  he  bragged,  "I  once  invented  a  rubber  pneumatic  suit 
for  men  working  at  great  heights." 

"And  was  it  successful?"  asked  an  unsuspecting  one. 
"I  should  say  it  was,"  he  replied.    "D'you  know,  the  first  work- 
man who  fell  off  a  building  wearing  one  bounced  so  hard  and  long 
that  we  had  to  throw  biscuits  to  him  to  keep  him  alive." 

— Los  Angeles  Times. 
80 


sparks  of  Laughter 


Emulating  the  Barber 

As  a  special  inducement  to  kick  the  bucket,  we  find  Yonkers 
undertakers  advertising,  "Lady  Embalmer." 

— Buffalo  Express. 

Isaac's  Peer 

Insurance  Agent — "But  you  surely  agree  to  taking  out  an 
insurance  policy  to  cover  your  burial  expenses?" 

Wily  Scot — "No,  na,  mon;  I  micht  be  lost  at  sea!" 

— The  Passing  ShoTU  {London). 

Man's  Universal  Friend 

Want  white  man  to  milk  and  run  Ford  car;  one  mile  south  of 
Fifteenth  on  Lewis.     Devlin. 

— Ad  in  Tulsa  World. 

Auto  Shoulder-Chip  Deadly 

"Why  do  j'ou  turn  out  for  every  road  hog  that  comes  along?" 
said  the  missus,  rather  crossly.  "The  right  of  way  is  ours,  isn't 
it?" 

"Oh,  undoubtedly!"  answered  he,  calmly.  "As  for  our  turning 
out,  the  reason  is  plainly  suggested  in  this  epitaph  which  appeared 
in  a  newspaper  recently: 

"Here  lies  the  body  of  William  Jay, 
Who  died  maintaining  his  right  of  way ; 
He  was  right,  dead  right,  as  he  sped  along. 
But  he's  just  as  dead  as  if  he'd  been  wrong." 

— Boston  Transcript. 

Fulfilled  His  Mother's  Prophecy 

"When  I  was  a  little  child,"  the  sergeant  sweetly  addrest  his 
men  at  the  end  of  an  exhaustive  hour  of  drill,  "I  had  a  set  of 
wooden  soldiers.  There  was  a  poor  little  boy  in  the  neighborhood 
and  after  I  had  been  to  Sunday  school  one  day  and  listened  to  a 
stirring  talk  on  the  beauties  of  charity  I  was  softened  enough  to 
give  them  to  him.  Then  I  wanted  them  back  and  cried,  but  my 
mother  said,  'Don't  cry,  Bertie,  some  day  you  will  get  your  wooden 
soldiers  back.' 

"And,  believe  me,  you  lob-sided,  mutton-headed,  goofus-brained 
set  of  certified  rolling-pins,  that  day  has  come." 

— The  American  Legion  Weekly. 
81 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


'Twas  Worth  the  Penalty 

When  Eve  upon  the  first  of  men 
The  apple  prcst,  with  specious  cant, 
Oh,  what  a  thousand  pities  then 
That  Adam  was  not  adamant! 

—  The  Cakiva^   (Detroit). 

Santa  Was  Cold 

Freddie,  seven,  and  Bennie,  five,  had  agreed  to  stay  awake  and 
watch  Santa  Claus  fill  their  stockings.  But  the  sandman  was  too 
much  for  Bennie  and  he  went  to  sleep.  At  about  eleven  o'clock 
he  roused  enough  to  ask  Freddie,  sleepily: 

"Did  he  come?" 

"Yes." 

"Did  you  see  him?" 

"Yes." 

"What  did  he  do?" 

"Oh,  he  jus'  fussed  with  our  stockings  a  bit  and  then  he  went 
and  got  into  bed  with  mother." 

— Yulelide   Talet. 

And  Pat  Had  a  Sign 

An  Irishman  crossing  the  golf  links  got  hit  by  a  ball.  The 
player  hurried  up,  and  finding  Pat  not  seriously  hurt,  he  said 
sharply:  "Why  didn't  you  get  out  of  the  way?" 

"An'  why  should  I  get  out  of  the  way?"  said  the  Irishman 
angrily.     "I  didn't  know  there  was  any  murderers  around  here." 

"But  I  called  'fore,'  "  said  the  player,  "and  when  I  say  'fore' 
that's  a  sign  you  are  to  get  out  of  the  way." 

"Oh,  it  is,  is  it?"  said  Pat.  "Well,  when  I  say  'foive'  it's  a  sign 
that  you  are  goin'  to  get  hit  in  the  jaw.     Foive!" 

— Boston  Transcripl, 

The  Oldest  Joke  in  the  Modern  World 

"Go  ask  papa,"  the  maiden  said. 

He  knew  that  her  papa  was  dead, 
He  knew  the  life  that  he  had  led, 

And  understood  when  the  maiden  said, 

"Go  ask  papa." 

— Methuselah. 

82 


SUGGESTIONS  TO  TOASTMASTERS 

This  is  to  be  as  if  we  were  sitting  down  together  and  you  asked 
me  to  tell  you  something  about  toastmastering.  If  you  are  with- 
out experience  you  would  do  well  to  act  on  these  suggestions,  at 
least  until  your  own  judgment  is  seasoned ;  and  if  you  are  a  master, 
still  you  may  find  in  these  few  paragraphs  a  helpful  hint,  for  none 
of  us  is  all-knowing. 

Great  toastmasters  prepare  for  the  occasion,  and  do  not  depend 
on  the  "inspiration  of  the  moment."  The  "moment"  gives  them 
opportunities  to  add  to  or  change  what  they  had  planned  to  do  or 
say,  and  sometimes  necessitates  a  variation ;  but  the  frame  of  their 
evening's  work  is  m.ade  in  advance.  This  preparation  has  two 
parts — having  a  finger  in  planning  the  program,  if  that  is  possible, 
and  getting  ready  for  one's  own  conduct  of  the  program. 

Preparation 

The  Date:  When  choosing  the  dinner's  date,  diligently  inquire 
about  dinners  or  meetings  of  other  organizations  which  might 
draw  some  whom  you  desire  as  guests  and  some  of  jour  own  mem- 
bers also.  You  want  the  fullest  possible  attendance.  Avoid  Fri- 
day if  you  can,  that  all  your  members  and  all  your  guests  may  be 
able  to  partake  of  all  food  that  is  set  before  them. 

Menu:  The  day  of  the  many-course,  heavy-dish  dinner  has 
gone  by,  and  such  a  banquet  nowadajs  is  served  only  when  display 
is  desired.  A  few  courses  satisfy  hunger  and  pleasure  and  are  long 
enough  for  the  generation  of  comradeship  and  jollity. 

Punctuality:  Insist  and  insistently  emphasize  to  the  caterer — 
club  or  restaurant  or  hotel — that  the  dinner  must  and  shall  begin 
oti  time.  Then  advertise  the  beginning  as  a  quarter  of  an  hour 
earlier.  Guests  and  members  grow  weary  with  standing  around 
a  half  hour  or  an  hour,  and  are  impatient  at  the  long  delay.  A 
good  part  of  a  banquet's  success  is  due  to  the  right  start,  and  only 
the  "on  time"  start  is  the  right  start. 

Waiters:  See  to  it — have  it  clearly  understood — and  drum  it 
into  the  head  waiter  if  you  can  get  at  him — that  the  waiters  are  to 
leave  the  room  as  soon  as  the  coffee  and  cigars  are  served,  or,  at 
least,  that  they  shall  collect  the  cups  and  saucers  as  soon  as  the 
cups  have  been  emptied — shall  do  it  quickly,  and  get  out,  and 
stay  out. 

The  Tip:  Arrange  with  the  management  to  add  the  equivalent 
of  the  collective  tip  to  their  charge,  and  thus  avoid  the  annoyance 

83 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


of  passing  the  plates  or  saucers  among  j'our  guests.  That  is  a 
banquet  barbarism  which  nowadays  is  never  seen  at  well-ordered 
affairs. 

The  Newspapers:  And  whatever  else  j'ou  niaj'  overlook  do  not 
forget  the  newspapers.  The  newspaper  will  be  one  of  the  best 
friends  an  organization  can  have,  if  it  is  given  half  a  chance.  We 
want  a  good  story  of  our  dinner  in  the  next  day's  paper,  but  too 
often  do  nothing  to  earn  it.  The  newspaper's  commodity  is  news, 
and  our  dinner  is  news;  but  also  we  desire  publicity;  and  so  our 
relation  to  the  press  is  reciprocal.  Now,  the  reporter  is  a  human 
being,  with  feelings  and  usually  with  fine  sensibilities,  and  the  way 
to  gain  him  as  an  ally  is  to  show  him  and  his  employer  that  you 
respect  the  newspaper  as  an  institution  and  that  you  respect  his 
profession.  A  good  way  not  to  do  this  is  to  stay  away  from  the 
newspaper  office,  give  them  no  notice  of  the  dinner,  and  offer  no 
facilities  to  the  reporter  for  doing  justice  to  the  occasion.  And  a 
good  way  to  procure  and  secure  newspaper  goodwill  is  to  call  on 
the  city  editor,  give  him  the  data,  solicit  cordially  his  own  attend- 
ance or  that  of  a  reporter,  and  leave  tickets  for  reserved  seats,  and 
then  see  to  it  that  the  seats  are  seats  of  honor,  near  the  head  table, 
where  the  scribe  can  hear  perfectly  and  can  see  perfectly  both  those 
at  the  head  table  and  all  others  in  the  room ;  and  see  to  it  also  that 
someone  at  the  door  has  been  told  about  these  seats,  and,  when  the 
newspaper  men  come,  will  welcome  them  with  a  warmly  glad  hand 
and  conduct  them  to  their  places.  How  would  j^ou  like  to  stand 
about  a  banquet  door,  while  some  ignoramus  trots  up  to  the  head 
table  and  tells  the  toastmaster  that  a  reporter  from  the  Totun 
Booster  is  outside  and  asks  what's  to  be  done?  Yet  that  happens 
often  enough,  and  then  there's  wonderment  that  the  dinner  did  not 
have  a  front  page  fat  story  next  day. 

Still  more:  If  you  are  to  have  an  out-of-town  speaker,  try  to 
obtain  from  him  a  manuscript  of  his  address,  or,  better,  an  abstract, 
and  see  that  each  paper  has  a  copy  of  it  twenty-four  hours  in  ad- 
vance of  the  banquet.  In  these  complex  times  dinner  speeches  are 
given  far  less  space  than  was  accorded  to  them  before  August  1, 
1914,  yet  sometimes  a  little  more  space  is  available  if  the  material 
is  on  hand  early.  Well-managed  newspapers  usually,  or  com- 
monly, write  to  such  a  speaker  for  manuscript  or  abstract ;  but  you 
should  not  rely  on  its  being  done. 

Music:  What  about  music?  Just  two  kinds  are  allowable  dur- 
ing the  dining.  One  is  mere  murmuring  music — not  murdersome 
music — that  does  not  interfere  with  conversation  and  merriment. 

84 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


Men  do  not  like  at  a  public  dinner  to  have  their  voices  drowned 
and  their  laughter  quenched  by  a  brass  band  or  by  a  blaring  or- 
chestra. Set  your  foot  down  hard,  and  keep  it  down,  if  rackety 
music  is  proposed.  If  the  musicians  are  artists  they  should  play 
after  the  dinner — and  so  with  the  singers — and  not  while  plates 
are  clattering,  and  silver  and  glass  are  clinking,  and  waiters  are 
bustling,  and  there  is  the  hum  of  voices  and  laughter.  The  diners 
do  not  enjoy  it,  and  the  artists  loathe  it.  There  is  a  time  for  every- 
thing. The  other  kind  of  allowable  music  is  that  in  which  the 
banqueters  can  participate  with  song — such  as  good  chorus  sing- 
ing, backed  by  an  orchestra.  But  keep  out  the  mere  row  music, 
and  give  fellowship  the  chance  it  looks  for  at  a  dinner  table. 

There  are  few  banquet  programs  that  cannot  be  made  more  en- 
joyable by  fine  vocal  or  instrumental  music,  to  be  alternated  with 
the  speeches — just  enough  to  fill  in,  and  relieve  the  monotony  of 
the  speaking,  and  far  from  enough  to  throw  the  program  out  of 
balance  and  give  to  music  instead  of  to  speaking  the  chief  place. 

Printed  Frogrmn:  An  engraved  or  printed  menu  and  program 
is  desirable,  at  least  for  an  annual  or  a  special  dinner — it  is  kept  as 
a  souvenir  by  many. 

Speakers:  This  is  the  ticklish  part  of  the  planners*  task,  fre- 
quently. First,  say  that  this  is  the  annual  dinner  of  your  organi- 
zation. There  is  not  to  be  an  outside  speaker.  And  you  have  a 
horde  of  officials  w'ho  will  sit  at  the  head  table.  Now,  here's  what 
you  are  after: — to  make  your  dinner  so  enjoyable  that  next  year 
everybody  will  say,  "Let's  go!"  But  they  won't  say  it  if  every 
magnate  at  that  long  head  table  makes  a  speech.  Midnight  will 
not  find  them  finished.  And  most  of  them  God  did  not  purpose 
should  ever  make  a  speech.  Wherefore  the  facts  that  they  are  offi- 
cials does  not  justify  j'our  banquet  committee  in  compelling  them  to 
daze,  but  not  to  dazzle,  j'our  audience.  Your  program  should  end 
not  later  than  eleven  o'clock,  and  your  members  and  guests  should 
not  be  compelled  to  listen  to  a  procession  of  men  half  of  whom  get 
up  and  say,  "I  am  not  a  speechmaker,"  or  "I  am  not  going  to  make 
a  speech" — the  first  usually  tells  the  truth,  and  the  second  is  often 
an  unmitigated  liar.  Firmly,  gently,  tactfully  pick  out  four  or  five 
who  can  make  a  decent  address,  and,  without  explanation  or  apol- 
ogy, name  them  as  your  speakers;  adding,  as  occasionally  is  neces- 
sary, some  venerable  or  honored  member,  to  whom  all  delight  to 
pay  respect.  Tell  each  one  exactly  how  many  minutes  he  may 
speak,  and  explain  why  the  limit  was  fixed — that  will  help  some, 
even  though  one  or  more  may  exceed  his  minutes. 

85 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


4 


If  you  are  to  have  an  out-of-town  speaker,  all  the  more  reason  for 
keeping  down  the  number  of  local  orators.  You  must  get  the 
crowd  away  at  ele\en,  and  you  can't  do  it  if  "the  whole  town" 
plays  orator.  A  hint  here: — some  of  your  members  and  guests  may 
have  come  by  train  and  must  leave  before  eleven.  If  so,  call  up 
your  out-of-town  speaker  first,  or  at  least  early  enough  for  these 
early  leavers  to  hear  his  entire  address — they  have  paid  their  money 
to  see  the  show,  and  he  is  the  star  attraction. 

Some  men  have  a  deserved  reputation  as  writers  or  as  doers.  But 
that  does  not  make  them  acceptable  banquet  orators.  Make  sure 
that  a  proposed  speaker  can  indeed  speak,  and  is  known  as  a  capable 
speaker.  Otherwise  his  reputation  with  your  people  is  liable  to 
suffer  and  he  may  ruin  your  dinner.  I  have  seen  it  happen  more 
than  once.  Fix  this  in  your  mind  and  don't  let  it  get  out: — a 
great  name  as  a  writer  or  doer  is  not  a  guarantee  of  a  great  or 
even  an  ordinary  capable  speaker.  Don't  risk  it,  don't  yield  to 
persuasion — know  what  you  are  doing  when  you  engage  your  chief 
show  piece. 

The  Toastmaster 

The  "Once  Over" :  And  now  it  is  time  for  the  dinner,  and  we 
will  give  the  room  the  "once  over"  before  the  doors  are  opened. 
Yes,  the  place  cards  are  at  the  head  table,  each  with  a  name  upon 
it — and  in  its  right  place!  Better  remove  that  tall  vase  that  stands 
squarely  in  front  of  the  place  of  toastmaster  or  guest  of  honor — 
it  would  hide  either  one  from  the  banqueters. 

Seating  Your  Guests:  All  right — let  them  in.  The  bugle 
blows  or  the  orchestra  plays,  and  in  they  come.  If  your  speaker 
is  a  non-mem.ber  you  will  escort  him  to  the  place  of  honor  at  your 
right  hand.  If  there  are  two  such  guests,  you  will  bring  in  both, 
and  place  the  chief  one  at  your  right  and  the  lesser  one  at  your 
left;  or  you  may  bring  in  the  chief  guest  and  another  officer  may 
pilot  the  lesser  light,  to  be  seated  at  your  right  and  your  left. 

The  Start:  The  company  is  standing  at  the  tables,  and  waiting 
jour  invitation  to  be  seated.  Here's  where  your  work  begins. 
Here's  where  you  set  the  atmosphere,  so  to  speak.  Instead  of 
merely  saying,  "Be  seated,  gentlemen,"  say  more.  First  of  all 
you  must  have  complete  silence.  Get  it  by  pounding  a  heavy  plate, 
or  the  table,  with  the  end  of  your  table  knife.  Don't  try  tinkling 
your  glass — they  won't  hear  it.  Pound  with  that  knife — if  you 
haven't  a  gavel.  (Own  and  carry  a  gavel.)  Some  will  imme- 
diately stop  talking  and  look  toward  your  throne,  but  there  will 

66 


sparks  of  Laughter 


still  be  a  few  who  do  not  hear  or  hearing  do  not  heed.  Pound 
again.  Keep  your  poise,  and  don't  open  your  mouth  until  the  hall 
is  silent.  Then,  in  a  voice  that  reaches  to  the  edges,  quote,  say, 
Bobbie  Burns: 

"Some  hae  meat,  and  canna  eat; 
Some  can  eat,  and  want  it; 
But  lue  hae  meat  and  we  can   eat. 
So  let  the  Lord  be  thankit." 
"Will  you  take  your  seats,  gentlemen?" 
or  something  equally  appropriate — you  can  get  a  book  of  toasts  at 
any  bookstore  and  make  your  own  selection.     If  a  minister  is  at 
the  head  table,   this  quotation  from  Burns,   would  not  serve,  of 
course.     In  that  case,  after  silence  had  been  obtained,  you  would 
say,  "Will  the  Rev.  Dr.  [or  Bishop]   Robinson  say  grace?"     And 
then,   if  j'ou  are  dead  sure  j'our  quotation  would  not  spoil  the 
grace,   follow  with  your  sentiment,    quickly   enough   so   that   the 
diners  would  not  have  sat  down,  and  j'et  not  so  quickly  as  to  seem 
to  be  pushing  the   grace   aside — a  little   practice   will   make  you 
expert. 

Control  the  Singing:  During  the  dinner  there  may  be  light 
music  or  chorus  singing,  and  if  you  are  the  local  song  leader  you 
will  do  the  leading.  Commonly,  song  sheets  with  numbered  songs 
are  scattered  among  the  tables,  and  the  diners  with  rivalry  do  the 
selecting — table  outshouting  table.  Catch  the  fun  at  the  top  mo- 
ment and  3'Ourself  announce  the  winning  number — don't  let  the 
fun  run  wild,  but  help  it  along  and  direct  it  with  a  word  of  jest  or 
repartee.  Have  it  understood  with  the  leader  of  the  orchestra  that 
he  is  to  play  only  what  you  announce.  Be  boss! — and  keep  the 
control  which  3'ou  gained  when  at  the  beginning  3'ou  compelled 
them  to  silence.     An  audience  admires  a  firm  toastmaster. 

Compacting  the  Audience:  Keep  your  eye  on  those  coffee  cups 
— that  head  waiter  may  have  forgotten.  Don't  hesitate  to  send 
someone  to  remind  him.  The  waiters  have  gone  at  last — don't 
begin  until  they  have  gone.  Is  the  hall  large?  Then  at  once  re- 
quest the  banqueters  to  move  toward  the  head  table,  in  order  both 
that  the  speaker's  task  may  be  easier  and  that  no  one  may  miss 
any  part  of  what  is  said. 

You  Begin:  And  now  you  start.  But  not  to  make  a  speech. 
No! — a  thousand  times,  no.  You  are  toastmaster  and  not  speech- 
maker.  Your  sole  job  is  to  be  the  connecting  link  between  the 
speakers  and  the  audience,  and,  as  I  said  before,  to  fix  the  atmos- 

87 


sparks  of  Laughter 


phere,  and  keep  it  fixed.  That's  all : — doing  it,  however,  with  all 
the  grace  of  personality,  and  play  of  wit  or  seriousness,  as  may  be 
required,  that  you  can  command.  First,  a  few  words  of  welcome 
and  of  compliment  to  guests  and  members.  Next,  a  few  words 
about  the  object  and  character  of  your  organization,  that  your 
guests  may  be  informed.  Then  a  few  words,  if  needed  or  appro- 
priate, abont  the  purpose  of  the  dinner.  Five  minutes  is  ample, 
and  two  would  be  a  volume.  Learn  letter-perfect  what  you  intend 
to  say — don't  fumble,  don't  stumble,  don't  hesitate,  and  don't  read 
from  a  wretched  little  piece  of  paper.  Speak  it  out  like  a  man  and 
a  toastmaster!  All  right?  Well,  then,  begin  your  introductions. 
If  the  speaker  is  an  outsider,  jou  should  have  learned  the  reason 
for  his  eminence  and  the  extent  of  his  reputation — and  have  mem- 
orized the  introduction.  Just  a  brief  presentment  of  his  virtues  or 
powers,  or  whatever  made  him  famous — in  modest  language,  that 
avoids  world-bursting  superlatives.  Two  minutes  is  enough.  And 
for  heaven's  sake  don't  say,  "We  have  with  us  to-night!"  Now 
he's  on  his  feet  and  is  receiving  his  welcoming  hand  clap.  Stay  on 
your  feet  and  lead  the  clapping  as  soon  as  you  have  uttered  his 
name.  If  he  is  one  to  whom  should  be  accorded  the  honor  of  a 
rising  welcome,  and  the  audience  is  a  second  slow,  pull  them  to 
their  feet  by  a  raising  of  your  eyebrows  and  a  slight  motion  of 
your  hands — they'll  come.  If  he  is  one  to  be  received  with  cheers, 
be  the  cheer  leader.  And  then  keep  on  standing  until  he  has 
turned  to  say,  "Mr.  Toastmaster,"  at  which  you  bow  and  take 
your  seat. 

//  Only  One  Speaker:  While  he  is  speaking,  listen.  You  will 
probably  catch  a  sentence  or  a  drift  that  will  suggest  a  jest,  or  a 
serious  anecdote,  or  the  recitation  of  a  verse,  or  the  utterance  of  a 
follow-up  and  clinching  sentiment,  after  he  has  ended.  Give  his 
audience  a  chance  to  applaud  him  and  give  him  "curtain  calls" 
before  you  rise.  Then  say  the  say  which  his  address  has  inspired, 
thank  him  in  behalf  of  your  organization  and  its  guests  for  hav- 
ing honored  your  banquet  table,  speaking  appreciation  of  his  elo- 
quent or  learned  or  whatnot  address.  Then,  if  there  are  no  others, 
thank  your  guests  for  having  graced  your  banquet  tables  with  their 
presence,  thank  the  representatives  of  the  press  for  their  most 
friendly  and  long-continued  service  to  your  organization,  and  bid 
all  "Good  Night!"  Books  of  poetical  quotations  will  supply  an 
appropriate  verse. 

If  Other  Speakers:  If  you  have  member  speakers,  you  will  have 
prepared  your  introductions  carefully — for  this  one  a  humorous 

88 


sparks  of  Laughter 


story  or  jest,  for  that  one  both  jest  and  serious  word,  and  for  that 
other  a  serious  word  only.  You  will  find  plenty  of  appropriate 
stories  in  Sparks  of  Laughter. 

"Good  'Night!"  Frequently  a  part  of  the  audience  begins  to 
ooze  out  as  soon  as  the  chief  speech,  which  usually  is  the  last  one, 
has  been  finished.  Bang  your  gavel  and  stop  them  and  hold  them 
and  make  them  join  in  the  courtesy  of  your  "Good  Night"  utter- 
ance. 

You  started  the  banquet,  and  you  ended  it.  You  had  control 
throughout.  You  pleased  your  audience,  and  you  made  their  en- 
joyment more  complete  because  you  did  start  and  did  control  and 
did  announce  the  end ;  never  leave  the  audience  to  wonder  whether 
or  not  the  program  has  ended — do  the  ending  yourself. 

Toastmastering  is  an  ornamental  art.  I  have  tried  to  show  j'ou 
some  of  its  first  principles.  Use  them  and  5^ou  will  not  go  far 
wrong.  Prepare  thoroughly  all  that  you  do.  And  by  and  by  your 
workmanship  will  be  a  master's,  the  product  of  your  own  person- 
ality and  suited  to  your  own  temperament. 


How  to  Tell  a  Funny  Story 

I  assume  that  you  do  not  know  how,  and  that  you  have  not  de- 
veloped any  part  of  the  instrument  for  story  telling.  I  assume  also 
that  you  earnestly  desire  to  develop  this  faculty  or  power,  and  that, 
being  reasonable,  you  will  agree  that  a  few  minutes  a  day  must  be 
given,  for  some  w^eeks  or  months,  to  practice — just  as  you  would 
be  obliged  to  do  in  acquiring  facility  in  any  other  easily  acquired 
art.  I  do  not  mean,  of  course,  that  you  need  to  defer  the  begin- 
ning of  j'our  story-telling  for  several  months,  but  merely  that  to  be- 
come a  thoroughly  capable  jester,  methodical  and  persistent  prac- 
tice is  necessary.     Let  us  first  take  the  easier  part  of  the  work — 

The  Easier  Part 

Gather  a  Fund:  From  the  start  be  on  the  watch  for  good  brief 
bits  of  laughter,  in  magazines  and  newspapers.  Clip  them,  and  file 
them  alphabetically,  according  to  the  subject.  Also  be  a  watchful 
listener,  and  write  down,  at  the  earliest  moment — don't  trust  mem- 
ory too  long — each  usable  story,  and  put  it  in  your  files.  You  will 
thus  create  a  valuable  stock,  that  will  contain  something  for  every 
occasion. 

Carry  a  card  in  your  pocket,  bearing  the  first  or  a  suggestional 
line  of  several  stories,  and  when  you  find  yourself  in  a  company, 
public  or  private,  in  whose  entertainment  you  are  likely  to  be  a 
participant,  refresh  your  memory  by  glancing  at  your  memoranda. 
Do  this,  and  you  will  not  later  regret  not  having  told  some  story 
that  had  a  special  relish. 

Memorize:  Memorize  your  stories.  Get  them  down  letter 
perfect.  Don't  spoil  your  chance  to  earn  a  laugh  by  hesitating, 
stumbling,  recalling,  apologizing.  Let  the  story  come  trippingly 
on  the  tongue.  Face  3fourself  in  the  mirror.  Tell  your  stories  to 
the  man  in  the  mirror.  Satisfy  him — completely — and  then  you 
may  confidently  expect  to  satisfy  a  larger  audience. 

Voice:  If  the  story  is  without  dialogue,  you  will  use  your  natural 
voice  alone,  of  course.  But  if  it  has  dialogue,  j^ou  must  use  at  least 
three  voices — the  narrator's  (your  own),  and  a  different  voice  for 
each  of  the  two  in  the  dialogue.  Give  one  of  them  a  bass  and  the 
other  a  tenor  voice ;  or  one  of  them  may  need  an  old  man's  quaver- 
ing, toothless  voice,  and  the  other  the  voice  of  a  man  in  his  prime; 
or  both  may  be  boys'  voices;  or  one  a  man's  and  the  other  a 
woman's.  You  must  give  to  each  speaker  such  a  voice  as  belongs 
to  the  character  you  are  depicting.     If  you  employ  only  your  own 

90 


sparks  of  Laughter 


voice,  you  produce  monotony,  and  you  cannot  create  the  individual 
color  that  variety  of  voice  permits.     That  is  obvious. 

Face:  But  the  voice  is  only  a  part  of  story-telling.  You  must 
use  such  facial  expressions  as  would  be  used  by  the  man  of  whom 
you  are  telling.  If  the  words  are  angry,  so  must  the  face  be;  if  of 
grief,  the  face  must  respond;  if  of  joy,  the  face  must  show  it;  if 
of  disdain,  derision,  truculence,  dissemblance — the  face  should 
match.  Again  the  mirror.  Tell  the  story  to  its  man.  Tell  it 
again  and  again,  until  you  satisfy  him.     Then  take  it  out  and  try  it. 

Gesture  and  Posture:  Nor  are  voice  and  face  all.  There  are 
also  gesture  and  posture — gesture,  the  action  of  fingers,  hands, 
arms,  shoulders;  posture,  generally,  the  body's  action  of  attitude. 
Some  stories  require  neither  gesture  nor  posture ;  others  require  one 
or  both.  An  excited  Frenchman  or  a  voluble  Hebrew  is  apt  to 
talk  with  his  entirety,  as  is  also  the  lively  darky.  And  so  you 
must  be  a  mimic  also  in  these  respects.  Watch — watch — 
WATCH !  when  you  see  a  "character,"  and  then  as  soon  as  pos- 
sible go  to  the  man  in  the  mirror  and  practice  until  he  tells  you 
that  you  may  try  out  on  somebody  else. 

What  to  Tell:  What  kind  of  a  story  shall  you  tell?  Humor  in 
stories  may  lie  in  a  play  upon  words,  or  in  the  incident,  or  in  the 
dialect  and  action,  or  in  a  combination  of  these  elements.  Assume 
that,  although  you  enjoy  dialect,  you  have  yet  no  facility  in  its  use. 
Choose,  then,  a  story  with  play  on  words  or  of  incident ;  and  stick 
to  that  kind  until  you  have  developed  ease  with  dialect. 

Dialect:  The  man  who  can  use  dialect  has  a  rich  talent. 
Nearly  all  of  us  are  attracted  to  one  dialect  more  than  to  another 
— to  the  Hebrew,  or  the  Irish,  or  the  Scotch,  or  the  Canuck. 
Which  is  jour  favorite?  The  Hebrew?  All  right.  Then  never 
miss  an  opportunity  to  listen  to  a  Hebrew.  And,  I  repeat,  as  soon 
as  you  can  reach  your  mirror,  use  your  power  of  mimicry  to  copy 
what  you  have  heard.  Do  it  over  and  over  again,  and  listen  over 
and  over  again — and  not  to  only  one  subject,  but  to  several ;  at 
the  same  time  noting,  and  copying  before  your  mirror,  the  t>^pical 
Hebrew  motions  of  shoulders  and  arms.  Scotch?  Go  where 
Scotchmen  are,  and  as  soon  as  you  can  try  it  on  the  man  in  the 
mirror.  Practice  "rolling  the  r" —  difficult  at  first,  but  soon  you 
will  be  able  to  roll  one  as  long  as  those  of  Harry  Lauder.  When 
you  have  your  dialect  down  pat,  try  it  out  at  that  little  luncheon 
or  card  game.  If  it  goes,  as  it  probably  will,  keep  on  practicing, 
and  take  on  at  the  same  time  another  dialect.  Soon  you  will  have 
two  or  three  at  command. 

91 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


Choose  Your  Time:  How  to  tell  a  story  comprises  also  when 
to  tell.  The  greatest  success  is  obtained  by  using  such  a  story  as  the 
subject  of  tlie  conversation,  or  the  address,  or  the  character  of  the 
occasion,  naturally  educes,  for  the  minds  of  .your  hearers  are  already 
receptive  to  it.     Don't  jar  with  an  ill-timed  jest  a  serious  moment. 

The  Banquet  Table:  Suppose  you  are  at  a  banquet  table  and 
are  called  upon  without  warning  to  speak  on  a  subject  of  which 
you  know  little.  Self-deprecation  would  be  appropriate,  and,  if 
you  did  indeed  speak  to  the  purpose,  so  much  the  greater  your 
credit  with  your  audience  because  j'ou  began  so  modestly.  For 
example:  "Mr.  Toastmaster  and  gentlemen,  I  am  only  so  slightly 
familiar  with  the  subject  under  discussion  that  I  fear  anything  I 
might  say  would  remind  5'ou  of  the  man  who  recently  was  a  po- 
lice-court prisoner" — and  then  tell  the  police  court  stuttering 
story:  A  prisoner  recently  was  called  to  the  bar  of  a  New  York 
police  court.  Judge:  Prisoner,  your  name?  Prisoner: 
F-f-f-f-f-f.  Judge  (angrily)  :  Officer,  what  is  this  man  charged 
with?  Officer:  Beggora,  your  Honor,  an'  I  do  be  thinkin'  he 
is  charged  with  sody  watter.  Or:  "Mr.  Toastniaster  and  gentle- 
men, I  am  obliged  to  plead  dark  ignorance  of  the  subject  that  has 
been  so  ably  analyzed  and  illumined,  and  if  I  should  attempt  to 
add  to  what  has  been  said  I  should  as  certainly  fail  to  set  up  an 
intelligent  contact  with  this  audience  as  did  the  young  lady  who 
for  the  first  time  in  her  life  was  seated,  at  a  dinner,  next  to  so 
high  a  dignitary  as  a  bishop" — and  go  on  with  the  bishop-pyjama 
story:  A  young  lady  was  for  the  first  time  seated  next  to  an 
elderly  bishop  at  a  banquet  table.  And  her  brain  wouldn't  work 
and  her  tongue  was  paralyzed.  Each  minute  the  silence  became 
more  embarrassing.  At  length  the  fruit  was  reached,  and  as  she 
passed  him  the  bananas  she  asked:  "Are  you  very  fond  of 
bananas?"  The  dear  old  man  was  a  trifle  deaf  and  he  thought  she 
said  "pyjamas."  And  he  answered:  "My  dear  young  lady,  since 
you  ask  me  I  must  frankly  confess  that  I  much  prefer  the  old- 
fashioned  nightshirt."  These  are  suggestions  for  twisting  a  story 
to  your  need.  The  power  to  adapt  will  quickly  respond  to  cultiva- 
tion. 

You  have  noticed  that  quite  a  number  of  the  stories  in  Sparks 
OF  Laughter  are  aimed  at  the  finer  sex.  But  they  shouldn't  be 
blown  at  a  feminine  audience  like  ball  from  a  cannon.  Sugges- 
tion:— "Mr.  Toastmaster,  and  ladies  and  gentlemen:  The  pres- 
ence of  the  ladies  makes  it  certain  that  no  member  of  this  associa- 
tion will  every  be  guilty  of  engraving  on  the  marble  memento  of  his 

92 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


better  half  the  sentiment  which  a  Vermont  farmer  carved  on  the 
tombstone  of  his  lamented  one — 'Here  lies  our  wife,  Samanthy 
Proctor;  she  catched  a  cold  and  wouldn't  doctor.  She  couldn't 
stay,  she  had  to  go — praise  God  from  whom  all  blessings  flow." 

Stories  of  what  precious  imps  of  children  said  to  discomfit  their 
parents  when  company  was  present  always  are  acceptable  at  a 
"Ladies'  Night" — of  Rotary  Club,  Publicity  Club,  or  other  or- 
ganization. The  mothers  are  thinking,  while  the  stories  are  being 
told,  of  their  own  little  saints  and  their  speeches  and  antics,  and 
they  like  to  hear  of  the  pranks  of  other  mothers'  angels.  Sugges- 
tion: "I  am  glad  that  this  occasion  has  been  made  more  bright 
by  the  light  that  lies  in  woman's  eyes.  Our  youngsters  are  tucked 
in  their  beds,  and  inothers  and  fathers  together  are  enjoying  the 
pleasures  of  this  occasion.  But,  ah,  those  youngsters  of  ours! 
What  don't  they  do  to  us!"  Then  tell  two  or  three  of  the  child 
stories  which  you  will  find  in  Sparks  of  Laughter — saving  for 
the  last  the  one  you  believe  to  be  best. 

Don't  Overdo:  Stuttering  stories  and  hare-lip  stories  are  al- 
ways enjoyed  if  told  well.  The  stuttering  should  be  accompanied 
by  facial  contortions.  Be  careful  in  this,  however:  don't  drag  the 
stuttering  out  too  long — your  audience  will  grow  impatient ;  yet  be 
deliberative  enough  to  give  them  the  full  flavor  of  the  stutter.  In 
telling  a  hare-lip  story  be  sure  that  )'our  enunciation  is  clear 
enough,  though  clouded  by  the  simulated  deformity,  to  give  your 
hearers  the  sense  of  what  you  are  saying,  else  you  will  fail — they 
must  be  made  to  hear  the  point  of  the  story. 

"That  Reminds  Me" :  One  emphatic  "Don't!"  Don't  ever  be- 
gin a  story,  whether  in  public  or  in  private,  by  saying,  "That  re- 
minds me  of  a  story."  More  good  stories  have  been  done  to  a 
sorry,  soggy  death  by  men  who  use  that  phrase  than  by  any  other 
class  of  humor  murders.  The  conversation,  or  the  address,  or 
your  own  remarks,  suggest  a  story,  glide  into  it  thus: — "Something 
like  Bill"  or  "Much  like  Bill"  or  "As  in  the  case  of  the  dear  old 
lady" — and  then  without  any  other  word  tell  your  story. 

Discriminate :  In  a  public  address  it  is  well  to  use  two  kinds  of 
jests.  One  is  the  line-or-two  jest,  that  is  run  in  at  the  end  of  a 
sentence,  to  illustrate  a  point  or  to  lighten  a  too  pronounced  sober- 
ness. Don't  make  too  much  of  this  brief  form — use  it  casually, 
and  be  satisfied  with  grins  or  chuckles,  and  don't  act  as  if  you  ex- 
pected your  audience  to  "fall  apart  in  chunks." 

Save  your  best  effort  for  a  laughter-compelling  story — a  com- 
plete anecdote.     Rehearse  it  carefully,  and  weigh  and  polish  its 

93 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


parts.  Then,  when  you  tell  it,  note  its  effect  upon  the  audience. 
You  will  tell  some  stories  that,  to  your  surprise,  will  yield  more 
than  the  one  expected  laugh — the  audience  will  break  in  at  a 
point  where  no  humor  had  been  apparent  to  you.  The  next  time 
you  tell  the  story  in  public,  be  prepared  to  let  your  hearers  have 
their  laugh  at  that  spot.  Then  give  them  the  climax,  and  you  will 
get  doubled  laughter.  Remember  this,  however: — a  sizeable  audi- 
ence is  more  likely  to  laugh  easily  than  is  a  little  group  of  three 
or  four,  and  so  the  same  story  that  publicly  pulls  two  laughs  may 
not  in  private  gain  more  than  one. 

A  Caution:  All  the  time  have  this  in  mind,  so  that  you  will  not 
be  narrowed  to  3'our  own  likes  and  dislikes  in  your  story-telling: — 
Tastes  in  humor  differ.  There  are  as  many  different  tastes  in 
humor  as  there  are  in  food,  clothes,  jewelry,  perfumery,  music, 
painting,  cards,  books,  sermons,  politics,  climate,  and  men  and 
women  and  children.  Your  task  is  to  please  the  average,  and  you 
must  therefore  forget  yourself,  and  get  over  the  fence  and  mingle 
with  the  crowd,  that  you  may  see  with  their  eyes,  think  with  their 
minds,  and  use  their  varied  humor. 

Study  Sparks  of  Laughter — don't  merely  read  it  just  once 
— it  is  full  of  usable  material  for  every  occasion,  which  will  lie  "all 
unlocked  to  your  command"  after  you  have  long  enough  practiced 
your  imagination  and  ingenuity  in  twisting  the  stories  to  j^our  use. 

Summary:  Memorize  your  stories.  Tell  them  to  the  man  in 
the  mirror.  Suit  the  voice  or  voices  to  the  story.  Make  the  face 
accord  with  the  voice.  Obtain  command  of  gesture  and  posture. 
Begin  your  story-telling  with  the  kind  of  a  story  you  are  at  present 
able  to  tell  well.  Tell  the  right  story  at  the  right  time.  Gather  a 
fund  of  stories.  Study  Sparks  of  Laughter,  and  force  your  in- 
genuity to  adapt  the  stories  to  actual  or  imaginary'  needs.  In  brief, 
put  as  much  desire,  work,  persistence  into  your  learning  of  this 
art  as  your  abilities  or  deficiencies  require.  And  now,  if  your  de- 
sire is  strong  enough  to  arouse  your  will  to  compel  you  to  grind 
hardj  that  you  may  attain  the  utmost  success,  read  with  care  the 
following: 

If  You  Have  the  Grit 

You  will  need  an  expressive  face  and  a  varied  voice,  among 
other  things.  We  will  begin  with  the  face — that  is,  with  the 
brows,  the  eyes,  and  the  mouth.     We  must  break  open  your  face. 

Your  Face:  Face  your  mirror — and  at  first  always  practice  be- 
fore it.  Lift  your  right  brow  up  and  down,  without  moving  the 
left.     Probably  you  cannot  do  it.     Take  your  finger  and  push  that 

94 


sparks  of  Laughter 


brow  up  and  down.  Now  try  it  without  the  finger.  Alternate 
with  and  without.  After  a  few  days  you  will  find  that  you  have 
gained  some  control.  Keep  up  your  practice,  and  soon  the  brow 
will  obey  you.  Then  attack  the  left  brow,  and  give  it  the  same 
treatment,  as  long  as  is  necessary.  Next  raise  the  two  brows 
alterjiately,  as  many  times  as  you  wish — slowly  at  first,  and  then 
rapidl3^  Various  emotions  use  the  brows  in  expressing  themselves. 
You  must  and  you  can  subdue  them. 

Open  the  eyes  as  far  as  you  can.  Imagine  you  are  struck  with 
horror — wider  and  still  wider  open  them,  until  a  broad  circle  of 
white  shows  all  around  the  pupils.  Almost  close  the  lids,  until  you 
can  barely  see  through  the  "narrowed  lids."  Now  keep  one  eye 
at  norm.al  and  narrow  the  lids  of  the  other.  Alternate.  Keep  at 
it  day  by  day  until  you  can  open  wide,  narrow,  and  narrow  alter- 
nately the  moment  you  comm.and  yourself  to  do  it.  A  few  weeks 
at  most,  and  probably  only  a  few  days,  will  show  a  gratifying  re- 
sponse. 

Stretch  the  right  side  of  the  mouth  as  far  as  3'ou  can,  in  a  line 
with  the  mouth.  Do  it  until  the  muscles  tire.  Treat  the  left  side 
the  same.  Then  rapidly  alternate — right-left,  right-left,  right-left, 
and  so  on.  Stretch  the  right  side  of  the  mouth  obliquely,  to  point 
between  cheek  and  ear.  Keep  at  it,  day  by  day,  until  you  can  do 
it  easily.  Left  side  of  the  mouth  the  same.  Then  alternate  rap- 
idly. Pull  the  right  corner  of  the  mouth  down — "down  in  the 
mouth"  expression.  Master  it.  Then  tackle  the  left  and  master. 
Now  both  corners  down  at  once.  Then  alternate  rapidly.  Smile 
pleasantly ;  broaden  to  a  grin ;  break  wide  open  into  a  whole-souled 
"Ha!  ha!  ha!"  Shrink  to  the  grin,  narrow  to  the  smile,  go  back 
to  normal.  Do  this  repeatedly.  Wife  laughing  at  you  and  asking 
if  you  are  crazy?  Of  course! — that's  one  of  the  things  wives 
are  for! 

These  muscles  are  now  fairly  obedient.  We  will  therefore  take 
another  step.  Imagine  you  are  expressing  horror.  Brows  up,  eyes 
staring  open,  mouth  open.  Do  it  both  with  and  without  mirror. 
Now  you  are  sneering: — Eyes  a  little  narrowed,  nose  turned  up, 
upper  lip,  one  or  both  sides,  drawn  up  from  the  teeth.  You  are 
weeping: — Brows  wrinkled,  eyes  a  bit  narrowed,  corners  of  the 
mouth  drawn  down.  You  are  joyful: — Brows  up,  eyes  wide  and 
bright  but  not  staring,  mouth  open.  Go  through  the  whole  range 
of  emotions  in  the  sam^e  way,  practicing  on  each  until  you  could  in- 
stantly assume  its  expression  no  matter  when  or  where  called 
upon.    You  know  these  expressions — every  man  does — or,  at  least, 

95 


Sparks  of  Laughter 


his  mirror  will  soon  reveal  them.  Practice  faithfully,  and  you  will 
be  surprised  at  how  short  a  time  was  required  to  make  you  a 
master.  Further: — this  practice  will  give  you  a  more  expressive 
face  in  ordinary  conversation,  in  business  or  in  social  converse,  and 
if  5'ou  are  a  speaker  it  will  add  to  your  power  to  convince. 

Voice:  You  must  have  a  varied  voice.  I  don't  mean  that  you 
need  to  go  to  a  teacher  of  elocution.  Not  at  all.  You  must  school 
yourself,  to  assure  that  your  tone  of  voice  expresses  the  emotion  you 
are  depicting.  The  unsuccessful  storyteller's  oral  expression  is 
monotonous,  because  he  tells  all  his  stories  in  practically  the  same 
tone  of  voice,  and  thus  fails  to  make  the  most  of  them.  If  the  story 
has  a  sneer  in  it,  put  into  your  voice  the  sneeriest  tone  you  can 
imagine;  if  it  has  fury,  choke  with  fury;  if  a  wheedle,  "wheedle 
like  the  devil,"  as  old  Crookback  Gloster  said.  Color  of  tone! 
COLOR  OF  TONE!  is  necessary.  How  shall  you  get  it? 
Again  your  mirror!  Having  chosen  your  story,  get  it  down  pat, 
every  word  in  its  place,  so  that  you  can  tell  it  without  hesitation  or 
self-correction.  Then  look  at  the  man  in  the  mirror.  Tell  it  to 
him!  Watch  him  respond!  Tell  him  over  and  over  again;  and 
when  you  have  satisfied  him,  then  you  may  "try  it  on  the  dog" — 
that  is,  tell  it  among  your  friends  when  the  occasion  offers.  And 
after  you  have  told  it,  don't  act  as  if  you  are  begging  your  hearers 
for  a  laugh,  or  are  fearful  that  they  won't  laugh — just  tell  it.  If 
it  "goes,"  why,  then,  you  will  know  you  have  made  a  start. 
Watch  for  the  next  favorable  opportunity,  and  try  it  on  another 
dog. 

Finally:  Break  open  your  face.  Master  the  expressions  of  the 
various  emotions.  Practice  on  the  man  in  the  mirror  until  he  tells 
you  to  try  it  on  the  dog.  Observe  and  practice  dialect.  Above  all, 
a  few  minutes  a  day,  and  every  day,  in  mirror  exercise.  When  you 
begin  to  tell  stories,  watch  for  opportunities  to  tell  more,  and  make 
opportunities  to  tell  them.  It  will  not  be  long  until  you  will  hear, 
"George,  tell  us  that  story  you  told  the  other  day  at  the  Club,"  or, 
if  you  are  an  occasional  toastmaster,  until  your  reputation  will 
have  been  enhanced  and  you  will  be  in  still  greater  demand.  The 
power  to  tell  a  story  is  profitable — it  makes  a  man  sought  after  in 
business,  in  social  circles,  in  civic  and  other  organizations,  and 
again  and  again  it  takes  a  man  from  obscurity  and  thrusts  him  into 
the  public  eye  because  of  the  pleasure  he  gives  at  meetings  and 
banquets  and  similar  occasions.  I  have  told  you  how  to  acquire 
this  power — but  whether  or  not  dollars  and  power  and  satisfaction 
shall  result  depends  altogether  upon  yourself. 

96 


UC  SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 


AA    000  935  748    4 


